And so, the question coming as it did out of the blue after years and years, caught me off guard: "What does this T E on your back mean?" I muttered something about it being a very long, very old story, and let it go at that. So did she. But, I have been plunged into a month of wondering, after almost eleven years, what those old scars do mean.
I know what they meant then, when we did it. I remember how intensely I wanted to belong to Him, and I remember that having those marks meant that we were connected in blood and flesh, but also in spirit, mind, and heart. I remember what He said they meant to Him ... that He felt He had freed marks that were on my soul to become evident on my flesh. To Him, and to me, it was that cutting that signified our bond and our commitment to one another. I remember the long period during which we did not allow the cuts to heal, working instead to cause scarring that would remain visible -- and it has done that. I remember the burning and itching that drove me to distraction; that can still flare up and live, even now, in the flesh on my shoulder blade.
Of course, we have passed through fire and storm, and nothing is as it was. Today, the marks remain. We are alive, and our love continues. The marks are still, obviously there. But the trust and the faith and the simple belief that we were meant to be? All of that is gone. The willingness to hold onto each other and risk everything is blown away. I don't think we'll ever find that again. And so... if there remains any meaning in the marks on my skin, it is the meaning that one finds in any bit of history...
swan
It sounds like right now, it's a story of what was, what they meant once. Presumably the story of what they may come to be might still be in there?
ReplyDelete-sin
Or maybe you are right Sue (yes, it's me, back again).
DeleteThis post, speaks to me, you'll know that because I flip flop around saying similar things. Maybe you're right, but when I read it from someone else I want to add that little hint of optimism, because I don't want to be the one that says the pessimistic stuff.
But it's very fucking hard to get the trust and faith back. I hope you do. I hope I do. Really.
-sin
ReplyDeleteReally? Is it true that the willingness to hold on to one another and risk everything is blown away? Haven't you proven just the opposite these last couple of years? Cuz from where I'm sitting, I've seen at least two people (in the triad) who have actually risked everything, everything,
For the sake of
Holding on to one another. And you've pulled through, somehow. You don't have what you once had, but maybe you had to get through this to find something better? I just do not believe they once we have discovered some component of ourselves that we think must now be the definition of who we are or how we relate is necessarily correct. Maybe it's just a stepping stone to getting us closer to where we really need to be. And I tend to think that you hit that wall between where you think you should be, and where you should be. And I think you won that battle.
Sorry. That was Rhonda ^^
ReplyDeleteHow can you say your love continues and then add the trust, the faith and the willingness to hold onto each other... are gone?
ReplyDeleteThis is an antinomy. Love includes all these components.
And Rhonda is right when she says "Haven't you proven just the opposite these last couple of years?"
Hello Dear Heart
ReplyDeleteI too think Rhonda has the truth of it. The fact that the three of you are together now, that you choose to remain together, in spite of everything that you've gone through, rather proves the depth of relationship. Has the rituals of daily life changed? Sure. Change is the nature of life.
I say celebrate the scar, celebrate the life you live, in all it's ever-changing glory.
Peace
Tapestry
I read a different lesson here, Sue. We can never tell what the future holds for us, and we can never be sure our intentions will be fulfilled or even that the intentions will remain what they were. Let life drive itself. We are like children, with our little hands on the steering wheel while Daddy drives.
ReplyDeleteGiven that it is doubtful, despite the universal conviction, that we have free will, I think it's best to remember that "the best-laid schemes o' mice an' men Gang aft agley."
Your past resolves don't matter now, Sue. Only the present ones.