Nothing New

Nothing is happening here outside of the day to day work of recovering from major surgery and learning an entirely new lifestyle.

We are tired but fine.

Daily, I see the stats declining, and I understand that our silence is sending our readership elsewhere looking for something interesting. I cannot help that. There is nothing to say just now, and I will not fill this space with fluff.

When life comes around and there is anything substantive to report, we'll be back. Until then, play nice.

swan

Snuggle

Healing from abdominal surgery is painful and limiting. There have been very few positions that Master finds comfortable for sitting, standing, or lying down. It has been impossible for Him to lie on His side.

Our customary sleeping habit is to sleep snuggled together. When He is well, He tends to pull me in close and tuck me tightly against His chest, under His chin. For me, that is a place of warmth, comfort, and safety -- the best place in all the world. It has not been possible to get there since the surgery.

That has left me feeling "out in the cold." I've managed everything. Advocated with doctors, nurses, and pharmacists. Coordinated the scheduling of medications and dressing changes. Kept track of grams of protein. Screened our diets for fats and sugars... And maintained my teaching work.

But the place where I go to recharge is to Him -- the security and safety of His care and His arms is, for me, a refuge. That hasn't been available, and I am beginning to feel the strain. I can tell that I am emotionally tender, inclined to be weepy, plagued by intense and dark dreaming.

This morning though, just after the alarm went off and I was lying there in the darkness gathering myself to start the day, He rolled toward me, onto His side, and gathered me in. We snuggled! I held my breath; I tried not to cry; I stayed there in the darkness far longer than I should have -- drinking in the pure and simple joy of being back in His arms.

Things are on the mend.

swan

Easter Laughs

It's pretty quiet these days.

Recuperation just takes time.

Here's a silly something to hopefully brighten your day...

swan

Solidifying

All those long, long days in the hospital were mostly grim -- surely not much fun.


Master was out of it, terribly ill, taking some significant pain medications... He was unable to get in and out of bed without assistance, unable to keep much food down, suffering from terrible diarrhea and unable to tend to His own toileting independently. He needed help to dress, help to shower, help with just about everything.


One of the things that I tried to do, on a fairly regular basis, was go into His email account and delete things so that His mailbox wouldn't start bouncing. He subscribes to a whole bunch of Yahoo Groups lists, and so He gets lots and lots and lots of emails every day. I knew that He could always go to the Group webpages and look back at any of those mails, and so I felt it was OK to just delete them all. On about the second or third day that I'd been doing that, I felt like He was coherent enough to understand what I was telling Him about it all, and so I explained what I'd been doing to Him.


At first, He said, "Oh, good. Thank you for taking care of that." Then, He got an ornery look in His eye, and He said, "Did you delete all the emails from my girlfriends?"


That stopped me for a half a beat until I realized that He was pulling my string. I got right in front of Him and told Him, "If there are girlfriends out there who want to come up here and clean up Your puke, and wipe Your ass, then I'm going to send them emails and tell them to get the hell down here right now!"


We had a good laugh together over that one. We did.


I think though that that little exchange is emblematic of a shift that I can feel happening for myself as we've come through this latest ordeal together. I am coming to understand the place in which I stand with all of this. I've proven to myself, that I will do what is needed -- anything that is needed, and never balk and never blink. I am not just playing; not just pretending. I am more than "up to" the task of being His, and if there was ever any doubt, then it has been banished in these last few weeks. Anyone who wants to go toe to toe for the position that I hold in His world -- just bring it.


All the "others" that have worried the crap out of me for years, have resolved themselves into bits of fluff. They'll continue to appear on the horizon every so often; asking Him for this and that -- wanting whatever it is that they think they want. They'll negotiate with Him, and He with them, for the fulfillment of mutual needs and desires. They'll come and go -- probably more and more as His energy and strength and health recover to levels we haven't seen in many, many years.


Whatever that amounts to, I HAVE this place. I am no longer in doubt about my capacities or my willingness or my value. I will defy anyone to measure up. The "others" can't do it. Not one in a thousand could do what I can do and have done in His house. I will not worry anymore about the pretty little playthings that float around the edges of my world. I've always been told that the solid foundation of polyamory and the "compersion" it requires is that partners have to feel emotionally secure. For me, finally, things have gotten very solid.

swan

Awwww...How Cute is That?

This morning, Master wanted to relax in bed and watch the Sunday morning talking heads. He was bemoaning the fact that the one drawback to our bed does not adjust up and down in the same way His hospital bed did, and wasn't that just a darned shame...

We have one of those TV backrest pillows. We don't ever use it for that purpose. It has become our "spanking pillow" and we keep it in the bedroom, so that it can be turned over on its face and I can lie over it for whatever He has in mind at the time. But, right now, there's no spanking going on. We're only two weeks post-op for Pete's sake!

So, I grabbed the pillow, and took it over to the side of the bed where He was resting and held it out and smiled sweetly. I figured it wasn't going to turn the bed into a magical, adjustable hospital bed, but it might make it more comfortable for Him to lie there and watch His shows.

He looked at that pillow and He looked at me, and He said, "awwww, Honey, I'd love to, but I just don't think I can." I kind of just stood there blinking stupidly for a couple of seconds, not quite getting what He was saying, and then it dawned on me -- "Oh no, I just meant You could lean on it for watching TV..."

We both got a laugh out of the silliness of the whole business. He got propped up and nice and comfy, and we went right on. It points to what we can't do just now, but it also reassures that we'll find our way back to it in time as the healing and recovering progresses. In the meantime, it is one of those moments that I'll keep close because it is just "cute."

swan

And YOU are?

This has been an interesting passage.

The somewhat unique circumstances of Master and T having their bariatric surgeries on the same day turned them into hospital celebrities. It seems that almost everyone around this place has heard the story of the couple who had their surgeries together. Especially on this floor, the medical staff all know about it, and they know that T went home and that Master had to come back in. They all believe that is the story: Husband in the hospital with post-surgical complications, and wife at home recovering from her own surgery. And, of course, we talk about her as "wife," and tell the story, and make it clear that there is a very real and very good and very loving marriage between the two of them.

And then there is me. I am here. Staying over night, leaving to go to school during the day, but back again each afternoon. There is no hiding the intimacy of our relatedness. It shows.

It is always intriguing to watch healthcare professionals as the confront our reality. Many, even most, simply choose to not acknowledge it. It really does seem that for the most part they believe that it isn't something that they need to know about, and so they simply look past it.

Every now and then, however, we run into someone who looks at it and gets curious and just cannot let it go. This morning, THAT person showed up. One of our roving gang of medical residents came into be part of the group that looks over the belly wounds and changes the dressings. He was particularly brash and arrogant seeming; a young person with more than just a little self-confidence. The rest of the crowd came in, said, "hi," and went on about their business, but this fellow looked at me, and looked at me, and looked at me again. Finally, he just got to it and asked the question, "Who are you? How are you related?"

Sometimes, when I get into that position with someone, I am gentle and try to finesse the situtation, but this morning, I just wasn't into making anyone's life easier. So, I looked right at him and said, "I am the other wife." That is an answer that tends to get people's attention, and he did sort of gasp and react visibly. Then he recovered himself and said to Master, "Wow! That's pretty cool! You'll have to tell me how You do that!"

And with that, I blew Master a kiss, left the resident gaggle to their work, and headed off to school.

swan

Things That I Worry About

People who know me fairly well come to understand that I have a very highly developed "WHAT IF" thought process. I am a worrier. My recollection is that I've done it all my life. I never really fully relax. I am forever projecting into the possible future and fussing about things that I cannot get a handle on.

I've gotten much better at that in these last years. I am far more able to simply let things go into Master's hands; do what it is that I am supposed to be doing; and simply trust that things will turn out as they ought to. Or perhaps I've just improved in my capacity for letting go of the things that I do not control.

Right now though, with things feeling so stressed, I am feeling the weight of the responsibility, and my worry reflex is kicking into high gear:

I worry that something will happen during the day while I'm at school, and I won't be there to help manage it.

I worry that T is home alone and that she is entirely without support.

I worry that she will overdo things and somehow set her own recovery back.

I worry about Master and His ability to keep being so courageous in the face of all the unexpected and unanticipated difficulty He is experiencing.

I worry about Master's father who is without much support from us at this time.

I worry about T's mother who is driving the distance from the town where she lives to be here with T every couple of days or so.

I worry about my job and their jobs as we struggle to hold this all together.

I worry about the costs of all of this. Hopefully insurance will pay MOST of it, but I cannot predict what amount we will actually owe when it is all over and done.

I worry about the friendships here that I am not tending to very well. I cannot seem to find the time, the energy, or the open computer access that I need to do that.

I worry that I will fall asleep and not wake up in time for something ... or not hear Him when He needs me ... or wreck the car.

I worry that I am worrying too much.

I worry that there is something that I should be worrying about that I haven't thought of yet.

Round and round and round and round...

swan