Isn't He Just Delicious?

Meet my new grandson, Alexander (Xander)...

Isn't he just too adorable?

I cannot wait to get my hands on him!

swan

Rituals, Protocols, and Patterns

Awhile back, in response to my post about rebooting, Amber asked --

...must rebooting always be ... so completely dire ... what worked much better for me by far were the times I was quietly told to kneel, my chin held firm so I had to look up into his face and I had to meet his eyes ...

In fact, Amber has wondered on more than one occasion about the efficacy of "kneeling" for helping me to center and calm myself in the context of our dynamic. I've been mulling her comments/questions on that subject over for awhile, trying to figure out what to say because, simply put, it just isn't the way He does things.





As with just about everything in the world of BDSM practice, there are as many different variations as there are people who do what it is that we do. From the complex and formal "slave positions" of those who model their practice on the Gor novels, to those who have lengthy contracts and lists of rules, to others who ascribe to Old Guard Leather protocols, there are ceremonies and formulas to spare. Whether a person is interested in negotiating a single scene, or going off to meet a potential play partner for the first time, or considering the offer or acceptance of a collar, or establishing the limits, boundaries, and expectations of an ongoing relationship, ours is a community that puts enormous stock in the pagentry of it all. A casual read from blog to blog around our circle, and it is possible to harvest a bushel full of ideas for BDSM rituals.



But you'll read very little of that here. The reason is that it just isn't part of how we relate most of the time.



Oh, it is true that we have some pretty consistent patterns and expectations for our actual play sessions. It is the one place where I am expected, no required, to use the honorific "Sir." And it is also true, that He has a very definitive "philosophy" about the use of safe words, although as far as either of us can remember, I've never once used a safeword with Him. I've communicated to Him, occasionally, that I have had some difficulty or problem (and He's moved to resolve whatever it was), but I've never moved to end a session with a safeword.



His expectations are very simple -- He wants to be cared for and loved; to have what He wants and needs provided smoothly and without His having to cause it to happen. He wants to be treated with respect and deference. He wants a willing play partner who will submit to His sadistic drives. He is not interested in layering on rules or rituals that require the two of us to put energy into the whethers and what ifs of enforcement and continuous correction.



I'd happily kneel at His feet if He wanted that. He generally prefers me where He can snuggle me into His chest. I'd do my level best to follow any rules He wanted to put into place, but I believe He sees no value in rules for the sake of rules.



I understand that the "formalized" rituals that so many ascribe to are intended to establish a certain mental frame of mind. I understand that it may be "easier" in some ways to maintain that sense of submission with all of those routines, but He is generally not willing to invest that much energy in something which doesn't produce anything pleasurable for Him.



So, I understand the suggestion that Amber makes, and I really do appreciate the thought, but it isn't the way my world works. I can only imagine how all that "fru-fru" slavish stuff would be, but in the end, what we do is just fine for us.



swan

Joy and Happiness

If we try hard to bring happiness to others, we cannot stop it from coming to us also. To get joy, we must give it, and to keep joy, we must scatter it. --John Templeton

This is the true joy of life, the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clot of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the community, and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it what I can. --George Bernard Shaw

Yesterday morning (Thursday), when I arrived at school and pulled out my phone to make my usual call home to Master, I saw that He'd tried to call me while I was enroute. The phone was in my purse, and I didn't hear it ring... It isn't our normal pattern for Him to call me on my way to school, and I was a little alarmed, so I quickly called Him to ask if He was alright. His voice when He answered seemed shakey, and my fears were heightened.

Then, He told me that He'd received an email from the Master of caitlin. Some of you will remember that caitlin died last December after a long battle with a whole host of health issues. We had often talked about meeting when she and her Master traveled to our area. We'd looked forward to that for a good while, but as her health worsened, it became clearer and clearer that the meeting would never happen. Still, caitlin and I were friends.


It was a unique and interesting friendship we shared. Caitlin was a woman of great and abiding religious faith. She was a Christian who managed to practice and live what she claimed to believe. Caitlin reached out and touched so many lives, she cared for a stunningly large extended family, made a difference in the lives of those in her community that were struggling against some of the most dire life circumstances, and chose to look at others without judgement. She embodied kindness and compassion, and in that, she was for me a teacher. She knew and understood that I was a "non-believer," and she never once made me feel dismissed or rejected because of that. She loved the person I am, and it mattered not at all that our beliefs were different.

Our views about our submission were, on the other hand, entirely congruent. We were of one mind when it came to what it meant to belong to the Men we chose to serve. She and I supported one another when others, who didn't understand, attacked our choices and made us question our path. I have missed her phone calls and her emails and her comments here. The world is a lonelier place without her.

Master told me, that caitlin's Master indicates that He will be in our area in the latter part of the summer and will find time to connect with us. He wrote that He will bringing a gift left by caitlin... Hearing all of that, I was once again swept into my sense of loss about my friend, but also mindful of a feeling that she remains, somehow, a presence and a force in my life.


And then it was 8:00, and the children arrived and the day began. Thursday is the day when we take our kids to church for worship first thing in the morning. The heathen in me sometimes struggles with this "going to church" part of my work responsibilities. There are weeks when I wake up on Thursday, and feel just like a pouty two year old -- hands on hips, lip stuck out, totally bent out of shape with having to go to church. Other times, I can find myself in the space, let my spirit get lost in the music, and come to hear with my heart. When that happens, sometimes going to church with a bunch of 12 year olds turns into a mystical experience.


On this morning, it was as if I was in church with caitlin. All of the music seemed to speak of her, and the scripture pointed to living life for others rather than for oneself. I sat there wrapped up in thoughts of my friend and companion on this journey...


Then, it came the time for the sermon, and the words were about "happiness" and "joy." "Happiness" we were told, is fleeting. It is a feeling that comes and goes depending on what is happening. THINGS can make us happy, but happiness tends to wax and wane with the circumstances and moods of our days and nights. Joy, on the other hand, is quieter and deeper. Joy dwells within us. It isn't transitory.

That all just made sense to me. I am sometimes unhappy. Sometimes, things don't go to suit me. Sometimes, I get worn out or into a moody place and things can seem pretty grim. I can get all wrapped up in feeling whiney and old and just sad -- all kinds of icky feelings... Even as it is going on, even in the midst of it all, I know it isn't permanent, or even real.

Below all of that fussiness, there is something steady and solid and quiet and sure. I live with joy. I know that I am where I ought to be, in exactly the place I was born for. There is nowhere I'd rather be, and no two people in the world with whom I'd rather be. We are creating the world according to our own lights and the vision we share, and it is a very good thing.

That was the major lesson that I learned from my friend, caitlin: She lived with terrible and painful illnesses. Very early in our relationship, after she'd told me about some of her health challenges, I asked her what the future looked like for her in the face of all of that. She very calmly told me that it was likely that she might not have very many years... We never ever talked about it again. We talked of her son and her "little man" and her love of music and her mother. And -- we talked about her absolute joy in the life she shared with her Master. He was her world and her delight. She had days when she was not happy, when she worried and hurt and gave way to frustration, but she never, in all the time I knew her, lost her sense of joy.

swan

BDSM and Poly

A Fetlife writer recently described, as bluntly as I've ever seen anyone do it, a type of polyamorous dynamic that commonly arises when we combine poly and BDSM, in which the Dominant partner has all the options, freedoms, and opportunities that people associate with poly, and the submissive partner does not... The original piece ascribed the "good stuff of poly" to the male/Dominant, and stated that the female/submissive partner ends up unhappy and suffering without any choices or good options. Some of the assumptions made were perhaps a bit of a stretch, but the basic premise isn't that far out of line...

Here's the paradox:

Polyamory is nominally about all parties to the relationship having equal opportunity and equal rights to engage in multiple loving relationships in an open and honest manner. However, by definition, power-based relationships are NOT EQUAL. So, within the context of a relational power dynamic, it is possible that the submissive partner (regardless of gender) may not have the same freedoms or opportunities as the Dominant partner. That will likely be entirely subject to the whims and moods of the Dominant partner. Further, the submissive partner may not be given anything approaching an "equal" say in the creation of additional relationships by the Dominant.

It just ain't fair!

THAT is a fact and reality of the deliberate and conscious establishment of an unequal relational dynamic. It is not, at the root of it all, related to polyamory at all, except that it could impact the way poly is practiced. So, if the facts of the situation are not "making the submissive happy," then it seems to me that the question is about the nature of the power exchange. If that is operating within the context of the agreements between the partners, then there should be no particular surprise with issues arising from the actual polyamory.

Many of the respondents on Fetlife advised this person that, if the poly arrangement was making her unhappy, she should just leave the relationship. I imagine that might be the decision some would come to under the circumstances, but I am not convinced it is the only, or even best, solution to emotional discomfort in a relationship.

I go through this dance on a fairly regular basis. In our world, the nature of the understanding about poly is that He can seek out or take on new relationships when and how He decides to. He might choose to share information about that with T and I -- but He might not, and He doesn't feel any particular obligation one way or the other.

Every single time one of those new relationships begins to germinate, I struggle with a whole myriad of emotions and worries and reactions. It isn't pretty. I worry that He'll like her better than me; that she'll be sexier; that she'll be a better masochist; that He'll get all wrapped up in her, and not have time or space for me anymore; I'll fuss about the use of "our" toys on HER; that I won't have a place anymore; that my home will become "not home" for me anymore. I get stuck in a place where I feel invaded. Often, one of the internal rants that I get wrapped up in goes something like: "Oh sure. He gets to bring in a new chach, and there is no way that I have any opportunity to do likewise. Easy for Him to preach how wrong-headed I am about being jealous when He doesn't ever have to confront it... Grumble, mutter, sputter, pout..."

So, I could have put together the declaration that poly and BDSM often work to put submissives into a situation that is unfair and often miserable. Except that I think that denies the truth that the power exchange defines/creates/insists upon those very inequities, and it IS what I signed on for. Knowing that and accepting that doesn't make my passage through the initial reactive stage of coming to terms with each new relationship easier, but it does help me to believe that I'll work my way through all the messiness and come out the other side still sure of my place and my committment to the relationship that He and I share.

I am resigned, for now, to having to periodically confront my own personal fears and demons with regard to His approach to poly. I know, as I am in the midst of the storm, that the misery is temporary; that I'll be angry and frightened and hurt, but that the emotional turmoil will resolve to something calmer. I know that my wish (in that maelstrom) to see Him have to struggle with the same challenges is one of those places where I kick at the constraints of our dynamic. I also know that being challenged and emotional does not mean that I am actually unhappy at some fundamental level. It means that there is growth occuring. It means that I am learning. It means that I am in a place where I can feel and react and express myself without the fear that He will stop loving me in my messy places.

I know that "vanilla" poly people find that lack of equity to be very disturbing. I've been caught up in several fruitless discussions of this subject. It may simply be a place where our two worlds simply cannot meet and understand one another. It doesn't make poly a bad practice, and it doesn't make BDSM bad either. Doing BDSM and poly together presents its own unique hurdles. Looking at the dynamic really does require us to park our cultural assumptions at the door.

swan

It's a Boy!
My new baby grandson arrived this morning at 5:17 (Mountain Standard Time).
Alexander Matthias (Xander) weighed in at 8 pounds 5 ounces. He is 21 inches long.
Dad, Mom, and baby boy are all fine; tired but happy and well.
Now I just have to hang on until June 11 when I can make the trip west to get my hands on this little dude!

swan

Sometimes Being Poly is Just Funny

We've been paying premiums for Aflac insurance for years. Every now and then the duck coughs up a check for $25.00 or $50.00, which we happily cash, but we've never collected anywhere near what we've paid in. That is, until this last surgical adventure. Between the two surgeries and the hospital days for Master and for T, Aflac finally came through for us. We took the insurance settlement money and used a chunk of it to go shopping for some furniture items that we've been wanting for a very long time. We just figure it is our way of participating in the economic recovery process.

So there we were, the three of us, at our local Ashley Furniture store, in search of two sofas, a couple of nightstands, and a new dining set. We first encountered a sales lady who asked what we wanted, and when we told her, she waved vaguely at the huge space and said, "It's out there somewhere. I'll be glad to help you when you find what you are looking for." BIG mistake on her part.

So, we wandered for a bit, until another sales person, Walter, spotted us and came to see if he could help us. Turns out Walter is a heck of a sales pro. He stuck to us like glue, affably wandering with us from place to place, showing us whatever it was we told him we were interested in. Too, Walter was a talker. He and Master got into a running conversation about this and that, and were just like a couple of long-lost best buddies. Walter seemed absolutely convinced that he knew Himself from somewhere...

Shopping with the crew of us is a little like herding cats. T tends to wander off and then come scooting back with news of whatever she's found. Master is highly distractable in a big shopping environment, and so tends to carrom from one thing to another. It looks pretty random if you aren't clear about how His mind works. Me? I hate to shop with a passion, and so I tend to wander along behind Master, resignedly enduring the sensory overload that hits me the moment I walk through the door of the place.

Walter, as it turns out, is a retired cop. He doesn't miss much, and he spent a whole lot of time with the bunch of us. Finally, as we were parked on the sofa that was to become T's, happily bantering back and forth, our sales guy just couldn't resist it any longer. He looked at T and I, and then looked at Master and asked the $64 million dollar question: "Which one of them are You with?" Master just shrugged and replied, "Both of them."

Walter sputtered for a minute, but recovered quickly, and then asked Him, "How the heck do You pull that off?!?!?" From that point on, things got seriously zany as he became quite convinced we were the most interesting and intriguing bunch he'd dealt with in a very long time. Because the things we purchased are technically being delivered to two addresses, there had to be two transactions, and as it turns out, there is more furniture coming to "my" side than to T's. Walter clearly found that to be a mental stretch -- "Did we really mean for the other woman to get more out of this transaction than the WIFE?" He didn't ask, however. Just shook his head and rang it all up.

We had a great time imagining the conversations that our friend was likely to have with the other sales staff (especially with the gal who blew us off), and later with Mrs. Walter as he described the really big sale he made to the crazy family of three...

swan

Absolute Dominance

Many of our readers have been following along on our recent journey through the trials and tribulations of bariatric surgery and the subsequent recovery. We are now working our way, as a partnership, back to something closer to what seems like "normal" to us, and that process is not as simple as I imagined it would be. Somehow, in spite of experiences with previous surgical recoveries for both of us, I think I believed that there would come a day when we could just "flip the switch" and it would all be back in place. Now, I understand that I was indulging in fantasy with that belief, but I just wasn't prepared for how long it was going to take ME to get myself back after the surgery -- Him, yes, but not me...

But power-based relating is about the balance that is created when two partners choose to deliberately and consciously manipulate the power and energy that exists between them in relationship. He and I have been doing it for some years now, so we have some knowledge and experience between us. In particular, He brings a great depth of experience to our dynamic, and He knows me so well, that there is very little that happens with me that He doesn't see and understand. The Dominance that He practices, with regard to me, is almost reflexive and instinctive, and as such it becomes over-arching and all encompassing. It happens almost as naturally as breathing...

Here's one of those rare places where He actually writes with so much amazing insight and depth about the internal process of His thinking and decision making --

I ... was tempted ... to follow through on (Amber's) suggestion ... I pride myself on having a sense of when this sort of discipline would be constructive ... spanking her so severely, it may well have been a significant interruption of her internal monologue ... that derailed her previous thought process to the extent that a void remained ... that had to be replaced with a new thought stream. ... significantly change someone's internal belief system by ... severely blistered by someone who knew what he was doing and with whom they had a very intensive love ... I was performing a role and technique I had perfected ... to reach out to someone I loved and communicate that I would no longer tolerate her harming herself and thus hurting me ... I have felt that swan's and our current situation is different ... for a couple of months ... our power exchange has been temporarily intentionally reversed ... Our power exchange is seminal to our relationship, our love, and her security at a level that approaches spirituality ... suspension of this key dynamic ... in the interest of caring for me and of becoming aggressive advocate to have me well cared for after my surgery ... is confusing for her ... and has required her to sacrifice this dynamic that nurtures her soul and reinfices her security. She is trying to regain her orientation now ... My instincts now, and so far, have not lead me to that approach ... for now I am letting her work her way through this without my "rebooting" her ... I am sure what my decision is ...

I think that, in that small bit, there is a primer for those who believe that they are Dominant, and who would conceive of relating in this fashion with another. There is quiet assurance, and intense awareness, and careful consideration of what is good and needed. This is not a Dominance that looks to physical power to underpin it. This is Dominance that understands the roots and applications of power, and which stands calmly in the face of its own nature.

Too, for me, there is wisdom to be gained by those who would choose to submit to someone who is worthy to hold that power in their hands. Too often, submissive women seek the man who is physically powerful, handsome, someone with "the voice" and "the look" that bespeaks Dominance. The less obvious attributes are easy to overlook I suppose. Experience and knowledge and personal integrity and self-assurance are harder to see, harder to quantify, perhaps not as "storybook" style appealing. They are, however, from my perspective, the most important, most critical and irreplaceable prerequisites to successful power exchange.

He is, for me, Master. He is my rock and my safe harbor. He is the One that I trust and turn to when I am feeling small, worn, scared. He brings me to my best self and keeps me safe and strong and centered. He is the model of what I believe Dominance is and should be, and I am proud to be His.

swan