BDSM and Poly

A Fetlife writer recently described, as bluntly as I've ever seen anyone do it, a type of polyamorous dynamic that commonly arises when we combine poly and BDSM, in which the Dominant partner has all the options, freedoms, and opportunities that people associate with poly, and the submissive partner does not... The original piece ascribed the "good stuff of poly" to the male/Dominant, and stated that the female/submissive partner ends up unhappy and suffering without any choices or good options. Some of the assumptions made were perhaps a bit of a stretch, but the basic premise isn't that far out of line...

Here's the paradox:

Polyamory is nominally about all parties to the relationship having equal opportunity and equal rights to engage in multiple loving relationships in an open and honest manner. However, by definition, power-based relationships are NOT EQUAL. So, within the context of a relational power dynamic, it is possible that the submissive partner (regardless of gender) may not have the same freedoms or opportunities as the Dominant partner. That will likely be entirely subject to the whims and moods of the Dominant partner. Further, the submissive partner may not be given anything approaching an "equal" say in the creation of additional relationships by the Dominant.

It just ain't fair!

THAT is a fact and reality of the deliberate and conscious establishment of an unequal relational dynamic. It is not, at the root of it all, related to polyamory at all, except that it could impact the way poly is practiced. So, if the facts of the situation are not "making the submissive happy," then it seems to me that the question is about the nature of the power exchange. If that is operating within the context of the agreements between the partners, then there should be no particular surprise with issues arising from the actual polyamory.

Many of the respondents on Fetlife advised this person that, if the poly arrangement was making her unhappy, she should just leave the relationship. I imagine that might be the decision some would come to under the circumstances, but I am not convinced it is the only, or even best, solution to emotional discomfort in a relationship.

I go through this dance on a fairly regular basis. In our world, the nature of the understanding about poly is that He can seek out or take on new relationships when and how He decides to. He might choose to share information about that with T and I -- but He might not, and He doesn't feel any particular obligation one way or the other.

Every single time one of those new relationships begins to germinate, I struggle with a whole myriad of emotions and worries and reactions. It isn't pretty. I worry that He'll like her better than me; that she'll be sexier; that she'll be a better masochist; that He'll get all wrapped up in her, and not have time or space for me anymore; I'll fuss about the use of "our" toys on HER; that I won't have a place anymore; that my home will become "not home" for me anymore. I get stuck in a place where I feel invaded. Often, one of the internal rants that I get wrapped up in goes something like: "Oh sure. He gets to bring in a new chach, and there is no way that I have any opportunity to do likewise. Easy for Him to preach how wrong-headed I am about being jealous when He doesn't ever have to confront it... Grumble, mutter, sputter, pout..."

So, I could have put together the declaration that poly and BDSM often work to put submissives into a situation that is unfair and often miserable. Except that I think that denies the truth that the power exchange defines/creates/insists upon those very inequities, and it IS what I signed on for. Knowing that and accepting that doesn't make my passage through the initial reactive stage of coming to terms with each new relationship easier, but it does help me to believe that I'll work my way through all the messiness and come out the other side still sure of my place and my committment to the relationship that He and I share.

I am resigned, for now, to having to periodically confront my own personal fears and demons with regard to His approach to poly. I know, as I am in the midst of the storm, that the misery is temporary; that I'll be angry and frightened and hurt, but that the emotional turmoil will resolve to something calmer. I know that my wish (in that maelstrom) to see Him have to struggle with the same challenges is one of those places where I kick at the constraints of our dynamic. I also know that being challenged and emotional does not mean that I am actually unhappy at some fundamental level. It means that there is growth occuring. It means that I am learning. It means that I am in a place where I can feel and react and express myself without the fear that He will stop loving me in my messy places.

I know that "vanilla" poly people find that lack of equity to be very disturbing. I've been caught up in several fruitless discussions of this subject. It may simply be a place where our two worlds simply cannot meet and understand one another. It doesn't make poly a bad practice, and it doesn't make BDSM bad either. Doing BDSM and poly together presents its own unique hurdles. Looking at the dynamic really does require us to park our cultural assumptions at the door.

swan