I am depressed.The hormone replacement therapy is not working. I've lost all sexual functioning. No orgasm. Very little sensation. Very little urge. I have memories. From before the surgery in December that resulted in my sexual mutilation.
I still fulfill my duties. Still take care of the cooking and laundry and other chores. Still get spanked and am still able to give Him sexual pleasure.
I am aware that He continues to seek connection to other partners. That makes me sad and angry. Knowing that I shouldn't feel that way just makes everything worse because, after all, here I am. So how hypocritical is that? Besides, even if I were free to pursue that (and I'm not), even if I could find another partner, even if I wanted another partner -- what on earth would I do with such a person now that I have no sexuality left to me. Damn! I read about all those who are in the prime of their sexual prowess and it makes me want to scream. It seems so unfair that I spent almost all the good years tied to a man who didn't really want much of that, and now, when it had just come to be so good... So I've pretty much quit reading everywhere because it just hurts.
I have no desire to live like this. I have suicidal thoughts. There is no joy. I've lost my belief in everything. I have no faith. I am dead although I am still up walking around. The women in my line live well into their 90's. I just keep imagining all those years, and trying to keep from getting swallowed up by the blackness.
swan
*HUGS*
ReplyDeleteI can't say that I can feel your pain, but I can imagine how hard it must be.
I have no advice, or words of wisdom, but I offer you my support.
Take care of yourself :)
SG
Hello
ReplyDeleteI've been reading for a while now, sent here by my darling friend Kaya, and while I am not much of a commenter, I had to respond to this post.
I totally understand your feelings, your depression, your anger. I am 41 and have Graves' Disease - between it and the medications I am on for it, I find myself with little to no sex drive at all. I do have some times of respite, where I almost feel like my ld self again - but they are few and far between.
I do have one thing that helps, though, and I am going to pass it along to you in the hopes it might help you as well.
There is an herb called Damiana, available in most health/herbal/new-age shops. To say it is an aphrodisiac is an understatement - I once described its effect by saying it would make a nun do an orgy. It would, too, I think.
I'm not sure how many forms it can be purchased in - personally, I buy it in dried form and smoke it, but I'm sure it could be steeped like tea, or even used in food.
I was always a totally sexual creature - so horny all the time I could make myself come just from listening to music, not even having to touch myself. I was like that my whole life - and when I realized just how little I cared about sex now, it was one of the hardest blows I've ever had. It was like ... losing myself, really. Who am I now that I'm not sexual? More importantly, too - what am I? A sex-slave with no sexual desire?
It's been very hard, but luckily I have a very patient Emperor and a store that sells Damiana.
I hope it works for you - that something works for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
blue, thank you for the suggestion. I've looked on line and there seem to be numerous palces to order this on line in widely varying dosages. What do you use and how much?
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for posting this.
All the best:)
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
swan, have you talked to your doctor? I have friends who have had to go through several different types of hormones and different levels to find what was right for them. We are all unique creatures and so please don't give up on finding the right combo for you.
ReplyDeleteI have seen the passion that is within in you from your words you write....and so it is there...please keep trying.
*hugs*
Danae, we have been back to the Dr. twice the first tiem getting hormone replacement therapy, and the second time resulting in a doubling of the dosage. Each of these measures seems to have proven completely ineffective. I am insisting that she get back with her Dr. again, and have spent much of today researching other speicalists in the area that perhaps may be able to help.
ReplyDeleteBelieve me, we will in fact beat on the medical establishment here until we find an answer that restores her happiness. In the mean time, I've just called her as she's driving home to stop at the nearby Wild Oats store to pick up some Damiana.
What the heck! It just might help.
Thank you for your support.
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
Dear Swan,
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your posts for quite awhile, and have been especially interested in your recent medical issues and surgury and recovery ( or lack thereof!) I had what seems like very similar issues, a vaginal hysterectomy with removal of both my uterus and overies.... the only difference may have been that when I woke up after surgury, I had on a estrogen patch which I wore until I began taking oral estrogen replacement (estratest) about a week later.
I must say I never felt less of a woman,for the loss of my "female organs". Actually, I felt much better for the lack of bleeding, anemia, and constant worry about where and who I was going to bleed all over next! I must say that I felt freer and sexier than I had felt in a long time.
How this all applies to you, I am not sure. However, in rereading some of your posts, I wonder if you didn't kind of talk yourself into feeling as you do. Sort of a self-fulfilling prophesey. In reading your posts one can almost see it coming. You are so frightened of being less than a woman, even before the surgury, And you don't much let up on yourself even after.
You said in your last post "I am.... aware that He continues to seek connection to other partners. That makes me sad and angry,etc"
Why shouldn't you feel that way? Especially now, given all that you are struggling with? Don't you possibly think that maybe contributing your lack of sexual feelings....sort of like....I have to hurry up, or he'll find someone who is really a sex bomb and leave me in the dust!
I am not saying this is the reality, Tom certianly loves you very much, as is evident in his posts and yours, but when one is struggling with the huge loss that you feel it doesn't take much to switch off any stirrings before they get a chance to bloom.
Please forgive me for the long-winded post, and of course I can be deleted if you feel I have over stepped the cyber line! I wish the best for you and yours, and only hope perhaps to help a little.
BO
You are most welcome. I have my fingers crossed that it helps :-D
ReplyDeletePlease, accept my apologies if the coming drug references offend you.
I can't give an exact amount as to how much I use each time, but a rough guess would be three or fourth healthy pinches - about half a joint worth. (If you do happen to smoke reefer, you can mix it - a ratio of half and half works well.) When smoked, the Damiana does have a distinct flavor/aftertaste, but it's not offensive (at least not to me).
For the record, I have not tried it any way but smoked, so I'm not sure if ingesting or steeping would require a larger amount.
I do so hope this helps - and please, let me know?
peace,
blue
i'm not sure of what to say except that i am sorry you are hurting so. i wish you strength and recovery.
ReplyDeleteswan...
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like what I had a few years ago, " Clinical Depression " and I needed to go to the shrinks to get some pills that cured the problem. This illness CAN only be fixed by pills. you may have to try a couple of different ones until you find the correct ones for you...
Pls, ask your Master to take you to the shrinks and get those pills, it will make you better and happier again.
Sir,
Owner of moningstar
I want to make it clear that we are going to weather this together. I am insisting she get back with her Dr. again ASAP, and that we find a medical solution to this. I believe firmly this is a medical issue for sue and not one that is primarily psychogenic. If we were to employ anti-deprssants such as SSRI's likely that would squelch any orgasmic response. I believe her depression will clear when her sexual dysfunction clears.
ReplyDeleteI also want to make it clear that I seek connection with friends on the Internet. I am not seeking to replace sue or anyone else. While I would never eschew the opportunity to play with others, i am not primarily seeking "partners." Sue has been told that but feeling as insecure as she is right now she doesn't believe that. There is no sense that she needs to hurry her way through this before I find some "hottie" out there. I already have my "hottie." It is her.
Thank you to everyone of you who has responded here for your caring and support.
All the best:)
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
That was lovely up there Tom - I know where swan is coming from though.(Not the pain, misery of hysterectomy or the following deperssion, but the not being reassured no matter what you say)
ReplyDeleteit takes time. My ma tells me it took her a full 18months to recover completely from her hysterectomy (I should add this coincided with the onset of puberty in me which did NOT help matters!)
Patience and batter down the medical establishment would be the way to go I tihnk. And lots of hugs. gentle ones, but lots of. Honestly a hug can do more to reassure someone than a thousand words!
So here's some to start off- lots of hugs and I really hope things get better soon.
cuddlybum
To all who have taken the time to write here and privately, thank you. You cannot possibly imagine what your ongoing support means, and has meant. I know, as I look back over the months that I have written this blog, that far and away, more words have poured out about my gynocological issues than about anything even remotely related to BDSM or poly or any of the rest of it. My insides, or lack of same have taken up a huge amount of energy. That said, let me see if I can summon the focus to respond to some of what has been offered here:
ReplyDeleteMaster -- Thank you, Sir, for continued support; for listening and loving me through this all. I know I am not easy just now. I know that You are hurting as much as I am at the loss that we have suffered together with this. I know You would fix this if You could. I know that You have patiently borne much of my diffuse anger when it really wasn't ever rightfully Yours...
Bo -- You are right that I battled against ever having to have to travel this route, dreaded the decision, and feared the outcome. This was not a choice that I embraced easily or happily. It was something that I was forced to by sheer medical necessity. I am glad, that for you, the similar procedure turned out to be life enhancing. That has not been my reality. While I will grant you that I do struggle and have struggled with the pressures of our poly lifestyle, the simple fact is that we were fully and happily sexual together in spite of our sometimes stormy poly dynamics, and in spite of my entirely messy female issues prior to the surgical interventions of late December. The variant has been the removal of my uterus, ovaries, and cervix. Even with that, I was OK, just after we resumed sexual activity post-surgically. It took awhile for everything to tank. It is an interesting theory that I'm talking myself into all of this, but the facts just don't support that notion.
SG, Danae, minionette, cuddlybum -- the hugs, the words, the "girl" circle of support is just so much appreciated. I can almost feel the muscles in my shoulders relax just a bit when I think of you all out there...
blue -- thank you for the suggestion. We are tracking down a supply of damiana. So far, I haven't actually gotten my hands on any of it, but intend to find some perhaps this weekend and give it a try. What the heck? It can't hurt.
I am, as I write this, awaiting a call back from the doctor. Will ask again for another option, another appointment, something -- anything. There has to be someway to live through this.
swan
I read your blog sometimes, all I can say is that you have to hang on in there.
ReplyDeleteNever mind what the surgery was for, general anaesthetic is a massive thing for your body and brain to go through. Rest in the fact that you are loved and adored, and that you have time to heal within that.