Mule-headed Dolt

I've been stupid and stubborn. If ever there was a BAD slave, I'm it.

I'm still not sure I've got the thinking pattern sorted out, but let me see if I can capture most of it so that I can maybe start straightening this mess out.

I (that is really the problem here -- almost all my thinking starts with "I") have real trouble achieving orgasm. That shouldn't be a news flash to anyone who reads here. It just never really came back after the hysterectomy, and while an orgasm comes at me out of the blue now and then, it isn't anything that I can count on or predict. If I manage one orgasm from sexual intercourse in a month, that's good. It's been two and one half years. I know that I should be "over it" by now. I know that this is a life change that I should have adjusted to in the last 24+ months, but it still hurts me and I still grieve the loss.

I can achieve orgasm through masturbation. Using a vibrator, all by myself, usually late at night, I can sometimes get there. It is a lonely business, and not all that satisfying. I want what I lost. I want it enough that somedays, contemplating the years that lie ahead, I wonder why I should have lived through all of this...considering.

Every now and then, He approaches me with the notion of finding something that "is good for me." Except He hasn't got any idea what that might be or how to get there. He wants me to tell Him what to do. He really cares, and His intentions are good. It is just that I feel like the Garmin GPS system of sex: "in 3-1/2 minutes, move left then rub more intensely." That business gets me into a place where I want to just put my hands on my hips and say, "why bother?" If I have to do all of that, it is easier, in some ways to just do it myself.

The only problem with that is that I resent it. I really want Him to be able to fix this, and I feel like He should just take the time and invest the energy to figure out what works. It isn't that I'm unwilling to be interactive and participatory about it; I'd surely provide feedback and input. I just feel like I work to attend to what He wants and needs. Why is it OK that I've gotten to this point, and life has just gone on?

So, then the resentment fuels a move on my part to pull away; to begin a passive aggressive interior (mental) bargaining that really boils down to, "when I get what I want, I'll take care of what you want." That's not the way a slave behaves; not the way a slave thinks; not the way a slave reacts.

Because He really needs me to be attentive and proactive in terms of my service to Him. Right now, He is struggling with His own sexual performance issues. There are surely ways that I could probably facilitate His sexual pleasure, and I find myself lying there, stiff and silent beside Him, thinking, "welcome to my world." So wrong. So mean spirited. So self-centered. What am I thinking?

When I lay it all out like that, when I can see the distance that I've come from where I ought to be, I'm ashamed. I need to do better. I need to re-align my thinking, my emotional response, my behavior. Now.

Maybe, if I got back in line with what I say I am supposed to be doing and how I'm supposed to be living, maybe life would improve. For Him and for me too.

swan