Words, words, and more words

I spent some time over the weekend capturing the writings from The Swan's Heart along with those here at The Heron Clan, and storing them all in a word file. We do worry that Blogger could suddenly do something evil, and all those years of blogging could be lost. So... a bit of work, and everything is archived on my personal computer. I haven't done anything at all to edit any of it, or cull out the bits that may not be especially "valuable," but as it stands, it comes to 1055 pages -- 427,360 words. Goodness! That doesn't include the comments. It is strictly the words produced by us.

There is so much there. Many, many, many words -- a good portion of what's there, I've forgotten. When I go back and look at some of it, I feel as if I am reading thoughts and feelings recorded by someone else. Perhaps that isn't that far off. I've changed. We all have.

I think there was a more open voice in some of the earlier entries. I've come to edit and filter much more than I once did. I protect myself more now. I am less trusting, less willing to expose myself, or any of us, to outside judgements. I miss that open, free-wheeling sound. But, it feels like there's a lot more to consider now when I put words together. I wonder about who is reading. I wonder about how He will feel about what I write. I'm sure I frequently sound too negative or too whiney or too angry or too unhappy. I wonder if whatever I have to say will make the statistics go up or down. I worry that I'll hurt feelings or make people angry. I am afraid that I'll be misunderstood. I'm afraid that I might scare or intimidate some unknown, unseen someone.

By the time I navigate all of that, the words sometimes won't come at all. What does come often feels cramped and lifeless. Often, I suspect I am too careful to spill out words that have any real impact anymore. So, this place has changed. It has changed me. Much as I'd like to claim that I write for me, for Him, for us (and I do try to do that) -- it simply isn't possible to keep writing publicly and not get moved by that same public.

I once compared this business of blogging to a whole lot of us, all singing in empty concert halls. If that were true, we might get some clearer words. Closer to the reality, I now believe, is that we are all performing as we simultaneously wander through one another's "shows." It is much more like a giant Busker's fair than any sort of concert-style performance. I keep right on doing my bit as the sword swallowers and jugglers and acrobats swirl around the edges. And, of course, like any fair, there are the unpredictable, uncontrollable vagaries of life and the world to contend with as well.

What becomes truly amazing, once you sort of think about it, is that any of us manage to make any sense of any of it. Ahhh well, here's to the words that bind us and cheer us and help us find our way.

swan