“Yesterday we obeyed kings and bent our necks before emperors. But today we kneel only to truth, follow only beauty, and obey only love.” ~~Kalhil Gibran~~
I have been aware, in these last months, of just how far I've come from the ideal of obedience which feels like the core of submission for me. On more than one occasion, I've found myself disputing with Him, just because I felt that I could. He'd ask me (or tell me) to do something, and I'd put Him off with a "I'll just finish this, and then I'll do whatever it is that You want..." I've fussed about things that were not mine to fuss about, and attempted to negotiate in places where I never should have thought that was my right.
I've also noticed, in just the last few days or weeks, that where I can find myself in a place of simple acceptance and love, I fare much better in our SM play. Anger, frustration, and resentment don't serve Him or me well. That seems like that should be obvious, and I'm sure I knew that early on. Somewhere in the last few years, I've lost track of how to get to that place, and I've forgotten why I ever felt it was appropriate or good for me to forget to obey.
There is hardly a word in all the vastness of the Internet about obedience in the context of a loving intimate relationship. There's lots of information and opinion about the practice of obedience in a religious context, and there is plenty of material about obedience within a child/parent dynamic. And, of course, there's a wealth of information about obedience training for dogs. But for those of us who live in power dynamics; who seek to obey as an expression of our sexuality and our love for our partners -- not a word anywhere. This kind of learning, I guess, must be acquired by us, for us, with very few guides or models.
I am looking forward to summer. I am looking forward to time. I am looking forward to quiet and calm and some space to re-assess and re-learn my place. I want to learn how to obey again. How to find myself in the place where my love for Him evokes my "yes." That is, for me, a way to feeling safe, feeling gentle, feeling soft and secure and special.
You know Swan, I think there's a difference between obedience and submission. Where obedience is doing as he says. And submission is... wanting to? Or feeling it? Or obeying gladly?
ReplyDeleteSometimes my obedience feels very unsubmissive. I can do what he says angrily. But submissive obedience, that's what he wants.
Just my thoughts. Thanks for sharing.
A very heartfelt sharing swan. I was struck by your words and just wanted to sit with you about it. I can feel your wistfulness for how you want things to be...for how you wish them to match your ethics and values about relationship.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is filled with an impulse to find words about your situation, but none especially come.
Guess there's no need for them anyway. Your post was a sharing of self, not an invitation to reflect on your life per se.
There's questions in me though. Not necessarily about you and your family and dynamic. My questions are about how to manage life happening and personal evolution within the context of such a dynamic..?
Sometimes I think that the closest approximation we can make is between a teen and the parent. It certainly just doesn't cover the incredible complexity of a marriage in the midst of aging, or illness or economics or career challenges or polyamory...or a whole host of other things that you and so many other submissives face each day and try to do so within the context of your chosen lifestyle and dynamic.
What I've noted is that you are evolving personally. I am too and I think its a pretty natural way to live life. I sometimes think that in that process of personal development there comes a need to express many of the same developmental stages that occur for an individuating teen.
At least it feels that way to me and I especially feel a need for my independent expressions and space when I've felt especially challenged about my security about something. Is it in keeping with my dynamic to want individuation? No. Not really.
And that's where the questions come in for me. How does one carve out the space for expressions of Self that we all have in all its forms and yet also be in our dynamic?
I think you are right that the answers for each person must surely come in the immersion of Love and in the immersion of the profound satisfaction submissives derive from service...but then, I think that its a natural developmental stage to regain that place emotionally, mentally and spiritually after the individuation occurs.
I don't know. Prolly mental masturbation after all, the dualistic thinking of a switch or perhaps its just late and I've spent too much time on my critical thinking texts. LOL!
I certainly agree with sin about the difference between obedience and submission.
All inner mumblings out loud aside, what has always seemed perfectly obvious to me is that whatever bubbling up of concern about your performance or emotions about your submission, its always been rooted in Love and it will continue to be so...and so I just always feel sure that you'll work it out given time and enough rest. *smiles* What teacher isn't too tired to fully evaluate anything until summer break anyway? LOL!
It will soon be here won't it? My summer courses just started...so my summer break is a long way from now...a whole other year. I don't wanna think about it. *smiles* I'm always happy and charmed by the warmth expressed here. Bless you all.
May you find the peace that you are looking while still serving your Master too.
ReplyDeleteIt is good to see you looking forward, friend.
ReplyDelete