Power Exchange and Balance

We most commonly refer to our primary lifestyle choice as BDSM -- the acronym standing for the various broad practices Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism.  However, there are those who choose, sometimes very deliberately, to call this particular lifestyle Leathersex.  That nomenclature comes down to us directly from the post World War II gay leather phenomenon, and is, unlike the increasingly mainstreamed BDSM, a bit more in your face about the sex part of our lifestyle.  In writing about leathersex, well known leatherman, Joseph Bean writes:

Fundamental to most definitions of leathersex is power exchange. The idea that some player ... is on 'top' or dominant and some other is in a 'bottom' or submissive role...Power exchange can happen in many ways...A skilled and caring top invariably must be able to read the bottom well, and usually a bottom who's really having a good time simply exudes feedback ...SM scenes without power exchange tend to look ... regimented. Scenes with power exchange feel well 'powerful'...Leathersex today is quite vibrant and widely pansexual.

I want to talk about that notion of power exchange.  It is, I think, a phrase that has fallen out of favor to some degree.  These days, people seem much more inclined to name these kinds of relationships Owner/property or TPE or Daddy/little or HOH and wife or..., and the notion that there is some sort of de facto transaction being carried out in those relationships is often downplayed. 

I think that if we do not talk about power exchange within the context of our relationships, then we miss out on an essential truth.  Power exchange is a deliberate and conscious manipulation of the energies that exist and are generated between two people in an intimate context.  Entering into such a relationship requires that both parties bring their own very real power to the table, and make it available within the context of the relationship.  Whoever takes up the power and exercises the control, they are only capable of holding that power because it is literally laid in their hands by their submissive partner.  It is a handoff that is no less delicate and no less breathtaking than the mid-air, high-in-the-sky, whirling, flying exchange between trapeze artists. 

Timing is crucial.  Careful, nearly perfect balance is a requisite.  Courage and temerity and daring are all part of the mix.  Grace and strength are needed and valued.  Trust and total reliance on the other part of the equation is the keystone. 

Master and I have been out of sync with one another for a very long time.  We've lost our balance, and each of us have felt a bit lost and unable to sort out the tangle of emotions and needs and fears between us.  We have each nursed a whole stew of doubts and conjectures and hurts and frustrations -- and the distance between us has grown and grown and grown.  Neither of us have been happy with all of that, but it has seemed that neither of us has known how to restore the balance. 

We had a serious bump in December, and this last round has wobbled us again.  We've struggled to keep up with all the day-to-day stressors and frustrations, and at the same time we've wondered how to ever find our way back to the delight and joy in one another that was once the water in which we swam together. 

And then, something shifted.  Yesterday.  He was keeping me apprised (via email) of the progress of the Reds baseball game, and I was relaying the information to my kids at school.  At some point, He wrote that He really wanted me -- wanted to be able to hold me, or be held by me.  I wrote back that I simply wanted a hug -- and maybe a little practice spanking. He wrote back that He thought we should practice lots.

It was a late evening for me, and I didn't arrive home from school until well after 7PM.  We had some dinner and He began to test the waters about the idea of "practice" spanking.  He clearly had some ideas about how that might go, and as is usually the case, what He was envisioning was significantly more extreme than what I'd contemplated when I wrote that bit about "practice spanking."  It wasn't what I had in mind, but it was an opportunity to reconnect, and I wasn't about to pass it up.  He went to collect paddles and other goodies and I closed the blinds at the windows. 

We had quite the session before it was all over with.  No switchy thing and no rubber floggers, but a good, solid, serious, lengthy paddling.  Mixed in with the strokes from all the various implements was a thread of conversation -- about my fears, about His wishes, about us, about sex and spanking, about listening and hearing and talking... 

And then we headed off to bed and slept.  Together.  All night.  Both of us peaceful.  The first time in a long, long time.  Today, I have felt hopeful and so has He.  It feels like last night was the beginning of us coming back to one another; regaining our balance; and learning how to do this and be this for one another again. 

There'll be much more in the days ahead.  Life will continue to challenge.  But we have found ourselves once again, face to face with the truth of who we are together, and we have regained our balance as we have retraced the steps to passing the power between us.

swan