First of all, let me say thank you to our friends and readers here who have been way more helpful, caring, and supportive here than I/we deserve. I can say that, contrary to how this may appear, we have shared as much here as we dared in terms of our own well-being and legal process. I very much appreciate the concern and support of our friends here and apologize for frustration that our inability to be revealing of our current circumstances has created.
I can now be somewhat more forthcoming (if only slightly) and can imagine a time in the future when (perhaps)after healing, and the perspective that time and distance create, we might be able to write openly about the last month's ordeal.
We have passed through our greatest challenge to the future of our family's continued existence, and in my case, my own personal existence. It has been a time in which I have had the misfortune to experience first hand, for the first time in my life, a truly severe mental health crisis. I thought I had seen the worst I ever would with divorce, the loss of my status as a parent, the loss of my career, deaths of my parents and friends, but all of those pale in comparison to the crisis we have passed through and are still in the process of out-living. To make things more complicated all of this has taken place in the aftermath of the last two years. During that time, as a back drop to the latest "events," I have buried both my parents. I think these losses, and the care-giving that preceded them, was to a degree enhanced by my being an only child. Then there was t's and my gastric bypass surgeries and my subsequent loss of 174 pounds, or 54% of my pre-surgical fast body weight of 320 pounds, has been, while wonderful in many ways, especially in improving my health, also a great loss and hugely revolutionary upheaval in my life (a dynamic pointed out to me by the psycho-therapist I have just started seeing.) All of this has occurred over the last year and eight months, and not only is my weight loss maintaining, but I have lost an additional 5 pounds over the last week as I have passed through this latest crisis. One year ago November 23 I had a very close call with death, as a result of my bowel obstruction, an emergency bowel re-section surgery, and subsequent post operative complications. My dad was dead 8 weeks later. following that there was my daughter's alienation from me, and her choosing to permanently end all relationship with me. Then there was my crisis with my agency and board which resulted in the loss of my career last June, my first unemployment in 35 years, and my being forced into what we have come to call my "defacto retirement." Regular readers here are very much aware of the struggles I/we have had as I have adjusted to this and how it has been effected by my struggles with drinking. Many here have supported sue,t, and I through all of this. It has been as one would say, "A TIME."
Then, on the heels of all this the last month ensued. I am still not able to share explicit details and hope that at some point it might be cathartic and helpful to. I can give some inklings of what has occurred. I've been arrested in my home and thrown in jail. I've been at times quite wildly insane and violently dangerous to myself and others (my family). I am sorry to disappoint the mean-spirited anonymy whose comments I have deleted hypothesizing that I must certainly have had a DUI, but no I have not had that befall me now or ever. I will say though too, that alcohol, and its effect on my gastric bypass altered physiology, was a factor in what has occurred, and we are figuring out what to do about that. I suspect I will not have the luxury of deciding how to deal with that issue, but that the courts will decide how that issue will be resolved....but.....time will tell.
I have been in a state of terrible post traumatic stress, and acute clinical depression the last four and a half weeks since all this has evolved. I have been questioning my continued existence, enraged with almost everyone, and sue and t in particular. sue has questioned our continued relationship. Poor t has gone through total knee replacement as all this has been in play and we (especially sue) have been working at caring for and supporting her recovery and rehabilitation. (t is btw progressing in her rehabilitation with achievement that places her in the 98th percentile for successful total knee replacement patients. She is working hard, being very brave, and we have a really great surgeon.) When I made my previous post changing my life motto, I was struggling through a particularly low point in my emotional reaction to all this.
THEN SUDDENLY!!!!!!!!!!!!! yesterday afternoon, somehow, from no where I rebounded. I feel fine...........better than fine I feel great. I am in love as much as ever with my t and swan and have a handle on the fact that while they both made horribly unfortunate decisions in all this, that did lead to great harm, they did what they did out of caring, and trying to protect me and themselves from losing me. I am, BTW, not experiencing a bi-polar mood swing.
I have not written and will not say more now in that there is legal process ensuing. I have, thanks to sue and t, an excellent attorney (the cost of which may well scuttle our future economically) and he thinks we will have a positive outcome and perhaps even a dramatically reduced charges, or even acquittal, or dropped charge. I surely hope he is right. The four days I spent in jail, two of which were on suicide watch, were abusive, neglectful, and dangerous. I fear not only the emotional impact were I to return to jail, but the total unwillingness of the folks there to provide even the most minimal medical care and supports someone, with my medical needs, must have to be well and survive.
Not everyone who reads here is "on our side." I do not want to compromise our future legal process by sharing more that they might choose to harm us. Perhaps when/as we move forward I/we will be able to safely share more, and feel there is some purpose in doing so.
I don't know what has transpired the last 18 hours, but suddenly I have emerged from the most awful, fearful, enraged, terrorized, hopeless, helpless, place I have ever passed through. I couldn't imagine a way forward and suddenly everything feels OK again......Wild!............Just Wild!
Thank you again to all those who have supported us here, have continued to check in with us, and for your forbearance as we have been able to share so preciously little of our current reality.
All the best,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
11/30/2010
11/28/2010
My New Motto
I am jetisoning my previous, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." quotation by Thoreau, in favor the Asimov quote far more appropriate for my current and future reality, if future there is, "In life, unlike chess, the game contines after checkmate."
Tom
Tom
Saying "No"
I hadn't been at my exploration of power-based relationships very long when the book, Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle, burst onto the scene. While Doyle declares that she does not advocate that women be "submissive," but rather that they surrender the urge to control OTHERS, the book gained a huge following -- especially among devotees of the Domestic Discipline model.
I never read the book, so this is neither review nor critique, and I have no deep opinion about what Doyle espouses, but others do (Leanne Bell):
... includes keeping your mouth shut about everything. Everything. If it occurs to you, don't say it. If it's a belief you have, stifle it. If it contradicts your husband's ideas or actions in any conceivable way, just repeat "surrender" like a mantra and smile. Whatever you do, don't ever call him on a mistake he's making, don't ever offer your opinion about a possible better way to do things. Don't gasp in the car when he's about to rear end a pick up truck, don't get angry when he fails to do something he expressly said he would do, and don't ever question how he relates to your children. Don't let him think for even one minute that he's a human being like you are. If you want a happy marriage, just shut the hell up and let him do whatever he wants with your life.
Some, who take exception to the whole Surrendered Wife way of doing things, have likened it to "slavery." And that is the only reason that I am talking about it here -- because "slavery" is what I have attempted to do and how I've tried to live for these last 8+ years. Along the way, there have been skeptics who have challenged me -- asking if it wasn't my desire to escape adult responsibilities that made the idea of slavery so attractive. Of course, my response to that sort of inquiry was to deny and assert that the questioner simply didn't understand.
But I think I was kidding myself on that score. One of the most important bits of vocabulary within an adult relationship is "no." Partners, in a healthy relationship, ought to be able to say "no" to one another, and have that be a valued and respected part of their ongoing dialog. To give up that "no" is to give up the right and the responsibility to use all of one's best faculties and critical judgment in service to the relationship.
From this vantage point, I can see that there were many places along the way, where I had the right to say, "No." More importantly, I had some real responsibility to say it. Instead, I was quiet, acquiescent -- maybe submissive, but surely foolish. My silence when I perceived faulty judgment or immature behavior or just plain nastiness, fed into an increasingly narrow view that caused the man I loved to look at the world through an internal lens that only focused on himself.
Sometimes we question whether the trait of dominance leads to or maybe extends from selfishness. I don't know the answer to that, but I do believe, based on what I've seen and experienced, that we can create a form of self-centeredness that is harmful to the partner and to our relationships.
I knew, absolutely, when I was raising my children, that it was important that they not grow to believe that the world revolved around them. I understood that helping them to develop some frustration tolerance was a good thing. I was convinced that they needed to grow in competence and self-reliance, and I worked hard to give them skills and the freedom to practice that . I never wanted them to be dependent on me beyond what was necessary for their years. Sadly, when it came to "slaving," I forgot all of that and lived and served in a way that made my "master" less than he was when I came to him.
Whatever happens, for me and for us, if there is an "us" over time, that will need to change. If I am given the opportunity to walk this path further with him, then I will do better. I will be more responsible. I will refuse the urges to behave like a child, and love like a woman.
Sue
I never read the book, so this is neither review nor critique, and I have no deep opinion about what Doyle espouses, but others do (Leanne Bell):
... includes keeping your mouth shut about everything. Everything. If it occurs to you, don't say it. If it's a belief you have, stifle it. If it contradicts your husband's ideas or actions in any conceivable way, just repeat "surrender" like a mantra and smile. Whatever you do, don't ever call him on a mistake he's making, don't ever offer your opinion about a possible better way to do things. Don't gasp in the car when he's about to rear end a pick up truck, don't get angry when he fails to do something he expressly said he would do, and don't ever question how he relates to your children. Don't let him think for even one minute that he's a human being like you are. If you want a happy marriage, just shut the hell up and let him do whatever he wants with your life.
Some, who take exception to the whole Surrendered Wife way of doing things, have likened it to "slavery." And that is the only reason that I am talking about it here -- because "slavery" is what I have attempted to do and how I've tried to live for these last 8+ years. Along the way, there have been skeptics who have challenged me -- asking if it wasn't my desire to escape adult responsibilities that made the idea of slavery so attractive. Of course, my response to that sort of inquiry was to deny and assert that the questioner simply didn't understand.
But I think I was kidding myself on that score. One of the most important bits of vocabulary within an adult relationship is "no." Partners, in a healthy relationship, ought to be able to say "no" to one another, and have that be a valued and respected part of their ongoing dialog. To give up that "no" is to give up the right and the responsibility to use all of one's best faculties and critical judgment in service to the relationship.
From this vantage point, I can see that there were many places along the way, where I had the right to say, "No." More importantly, I had some real responsibility to say it. Instead, I was quiet, acquiescent -- maybe submissive, but surely foolish. My silence when I perceived faulty judgment or immature behavior or just plain nastiness, fed into an increasingly narrow view that caused the man I loved to look at the world through an internal lens that only focused on himself.
Sometimes we question whether the trait of dominance leads to or maybe extends from selfishness. I don't know the answer to that, but I do believe, based on what I've seen and experienced, that we can create a form of self-centeredness that is harmful to the partner and to our relationships.
I knew, absolutely, when I was raising my children, that it was important that they not grow to believe that the world revolved around them. I understood that helping them to develop some frustration tolerance was a good thing. I was convinced that they needed to grow in competence and self-reliance, and I worked hard to give them skills and the freedom to practice that . I never wanted them to be dependent on me beyond what was necessary for their years. Sadly, when it came to "slaving," I forgot all of that and lived and served in a way that made my "master" less than he was when I came to him.
Whatever happens, for me and for us, if there is an "us" over time, that will need to change. If I am given the opportunity to walk this path further with him, then I will do better. I will be more responsible. I will refuse the urges to behave like a child, and love like a woman.
Sue
11/26/2010
First Words
To begin here seems daunting. I feel driven to write some of what I am thinking and feeling, but want this to be a place where I can grow and learn. I do not intend to rehash the past in this place. In fact, my initial impulse was to import selected material from my previous blogs and use that as a beginning in this place -- but doing that felt false to me. The past is what it is -- was. The future remains unknown. I am only alive in this now, and I want to capture the truth of that as best as I am able.
There will probably be very little that is kinky in what I write here, so should some who knew me from before follow me here, this place may disappoint. My intent is to allow for introspection and self-examination, and personal healing and learning. The last 9 years or so have been interesting and rewarding and fulfilling. Perhaps, going forward into the future (which I hope to leave open), that life may pick up again and move forward in some fashion. For now, it is not what is happening.
For the first time ever, as an adult, I am considering a life that may be solitary. I remain, as of now, in my place within the polyamorous family that has been part of my reality for these last 8-1/2 years, but I do not know if we will survive the current challenges -- and still be all together.
I've never lived alone. Ever. I moved from my parents' home to my college dormitory and then apartment -- and there were always roommates. Then I married, at the age of 19, and began a 27 year long marriage filled with a husband and my children. Before my marriage officially ended, I was already here, living in THIS family, as different as could be from the mainstream that others know -- poly and BDSM mingled to create a life with relatively few choices to make, and very little in the way of outside relationships. Beyond my work, my entire life has been wrapped up in this household and the needs and desires and wishes of the man I've called "Master."
I chose that life. I chose to trust. I chose to give the control into his hands. I chose to love in this fashion.
The love remains. For the rest -- that will perhaps become clear as we move forward. I cannot be sure.
For all the years that I've been associated with the BDSM lifestyle, I've known about women who had power-based relationships that ended. It most often has seemed that those endings feel traumatic and devastating. Women report that they are paralyzed -- unable to move or decide or know what to do. That does not feel like what I am experiencing. I feel sadness at the turn of events, and I feel a longing for what was -- for what is gone. But I am not devastated.
So. I am Sue. Exploring what I think; what I feel; what I want -- and considering the possibilities for whatever comes next.
Sue
There will probably be very little that is kinky in what I write here, so should some who knew me from before follow me here, this place may disappoint. My intent is to allow for introspection and self-examination, and personal healing and learning. The last 9 years or so have been interesting and rewarding and fulfilling. Perhaps, going forward into the future (which I hope to leave open), that life may pick up again and move forward in some fashion. For now, it is not what is happening.
For the first time ever, as an adult, I am considering a life that may be solitary. I remain, as of now, in my place within the polyamorous family that has been part of my reality for these last 8-1/2 years, but I do not know if we will survive the current challenges -- and still be all together.
I've never lived alone. Ever. I moved from my parents' home to my college dormitory and then apartment -- and there were always roommates. Then I married, at the age of 19, and began a 27 year long marriage filled with a husband and my children. Before my marriage officially ended, I was already here, living in THIS family, as different as could be from the mainstream that others know -- poly and BDSM mingled to create a life with relatively few choices to make, and very little in the way of outside relationships. Beyond my work, my entire life has been wrapped up in this household and the needs and desires and wishes of the man I've called "Master."
I chose that life. I chose to trust. I chose to give the control into his hands. I chose to love in this fashion.
The love remains. For the rest -- that will perhaps become clear as we move forward. I cannot be sure.
For all the years that I've been associated with the BDSM lifestyle, I've known about women who had power-based relationships that ended. It most often has seemed that those endings feel traumatic and devastating. Women report that they are paralyzed -- unable to move or decide or know what to do. That does not feel like what I am experiencing. I feel sadness at the turn of events, and I feel a longing for what was -- for what is gone. But I am not devastated.
So. I am Sue. Exploring what I think; what I feel; what I want -- and considering the possibilities for whatever comes next.
Sue
11/25/2010
Lessons Learned
It has been 469 days since T's mother suffered a stroke in the aftermath of a surgical procedure to clear blockages in her carotid artery. In the very early days following the stroke, things seemed very grim and very dire, and we lived minute to minute -- expecting that we would lose her at any time. In what came to seem a day-by-day series of big and small miracles, Mom pulled through the toughest times and came back to be with us all for these months.
And so, today, as we observe the Thanksgiving holiday once more, we are all grateful for her presence in our lives. But for me, there is more than just gratitude. I find that, as I contemplate the battle she has waged to just live with us and for us, I am humbled and awed by the strength and determination and kindness and love that she embodies.
I have not been optimistic as we've traveled this path. On more than one occasion I've believed we were at the end. Sometimes, as I've watched the pain and the suffering and the struggle, I've felt (in my secret heart) that it might have just been better if Mom had managed to "get away." I have surely come to be convinced that I wouldn't want to live the sort of life that Eleanor has had to endure through all these months -- tethered to oxygen around the clock, mostly confined to her home and her chair, unable to communicate clearly, unable to read, severely limited in terms of mobility, no longer able to enjoy her active social life with friends and family.
And yet ... Even my cynical soul has been touched by the pure and simple joy that Mom brings to her life and her days. She relishes every simple pleasure -- chocolate brownies, and seeing the latest Harry Potter movie with her grandchildren, and watching the parade of costumed little ones on Halloween, and watching a football game with all of us. If she mourns those things that are forever gone from her life, there is no sign of it. If she worries about what is to come, if there is fear or anxiety or a sense of wishing for some other reality, there is no sign of it.
It is the lesson for me from this year: judge less and enjoy more. Grieve less and enjoy more. Worry less and enjoy more. Spend less time wishing for what is not and spend more time enjoying what is.
So. Here we are at Thanksgiving, and Eleanor's Santa collection has been, once again, taken out of the boxes and set up all around her home. We have had so many more days to enjoy her than we once believed we'd be given. I do not know how many more days we have with this lady who has come to be "Mom" for me, but I am so grateful for what has been, for what is.
swan
And so, today, as we observe the Thanksgiving holiday once more, we are all grateful for her presence in our lives. But for me, there is more than just gratitude. I find that, as I contemplate the battle she has waged to just live with us and for us, I am humbled and awed by the strength and determination and kindness and love that she embodies.
I have not been optimistic as we've traveled this path. On more than one occasion I've believed we were at the end. Sometimes, as I've watched the pain and the suffering and the struggle, I've felt (in my secret heart) that it might have just been better if Mom had managed to "get away." I have surely come to be convinced that I wouldn't want to live the sort of life that Eleanor has had to endure through all these months -- tethered to oxygen around the clock, mostly confined to her home and her chair, unable to communicate clearly, unable to read, severely limited in terms of mobility, no longer able to enjoy her active social life with friends and family.
And yet ... Even my cynical soul has been touched by the pure and simple joy that Mom brings to her life and her days. She relishes every simple pleasure -- chocolate brownies, and seeing the latest Harry Potter movie with her grandchildren, and watching the parade of costumed little ones on Halloween, and watching a football game with all of us. If she mourns those things that are forever gone from her life, there is no sign of it. If she worries about what is to come, if there is fear or anxiety or a sense of wishing for some other reality, there is no sign of it.
It is the lesson for me from this year: judge less and enjoy more. Grieve less and enjoy more. Worry less and enjoy more. Spend less time wishing for what is not and spend more time enjoying what is.
So. Here we are at Thanksgiving, and Eleanor's Santa collection has been, once again, taken out of the boxes and set up all around her home. We have had so many more days to enjoy her than we once believed we'd be given. I do not know how many more days we have with this lady who has come to be "Mom" for me, but I am so grateful for what has been, for what is.
swan
11/22/2010
I am good
I am doing really good. Was in the hospital for 48 hours, instead of 4 days. On the first day of PT my range of motion was 82%, but that was while I was still under the influence of the pain bolus the surgeon put in the incision. With that all worn off, I was at 79%.
Have had a visit from a home nurse who said I look like someone 3 weeks out from surgery, not 3 days. She says everything looks excellent. I start in-home PT tomorrow morning and will have that 2-3 days weekly until they release me to outpatient PT.
Percocet and Valium are my dear friends. Percocet relieves the pain and Valium relaxes me for sleep. I havce been very queasy and not eating much. But pretzel rods seem to stay down just fine.
That's the latest. Thanks for all of your well wishes.
T
Have had a visit from a home nurse who said I look like someone 3 weeks out from surgery, not 3 days. She says everything looks excellent. I start in-home PT tomorrow morning and will have that 2-3 days weekly until they release me to outpatient PT.
Percocet and Valium are my dear friends. Percocet relieves the pain and Valium relaxes me for sleep. I havce been very queasy and not eating much. But pretzel rods seem to stay down just fine.
That's the latest. Thanks for all of your well wishes.
T
11/21/2010
She's Home!
Just almost exactly 48 hours after total knee replacement surgery, T was released from the hospital and is home. She's sore and achy, but moving really pretty well -- and we are so glad to have her back with us.
swan
swan
11/20/2010
Amazing Progress
Today has gone wonderfully.
T's drains came out today and her PT went extremely well. She's walking some with the walker, and showing a really good range of motion in the new knee.
She is hurting some -- not more than we would expect the first day after total knee replacement surgery. For the most part, she is being kept pretty comfortable with percocet and valium.
It may be, if things continue that she will be discharged tomorrow and come home. That's a day earlier than we were expecting! She's really doing wonderfully.
I can't wait to have her home.
swan
T's drains came out today and her PT went extremely well. She's walking some with the walker, and showing a really good range of motion in the new knee.
She is hurting some -- not more than we would expect the first day after total knee replacement surgery. For the most part, she is being kept pretty comfortable with percocet and valium.
It may be, if things continue that she will be discharged tomorrow and come home. That's a day earlier than we were expecting! She's really doing wonderfully.
I can't wait to have her home.
swan
So Far So Good
T has had a very good first day. Her pain is minimal thanks to a new medication that the surgeon uses IN THE KNEE to control pain for the first 24 to 36 hours.
She ate a pretty good dinner of chicken soup and macaroni and cheese and grapes.
Her first round of physical therapy went extremely well -- she is already pushing to maximize her use of her new knee.
Her oxygen levels are good and so she is off oxygen and resting comfortably.
She'll start her PT classes tomorrow morning, and hopefully things will continue to progress well.
We'll pass on all your hugs and good wishes -- thank you all.
swan
She ate a pretty good dinner of chicken soup and macaroni and cheese and grapes.
Her first round of physical therapy went extremely well -- she is already pushing to maximize her use of her new knee.
Her oxygen levels are good and so she is off oxygen and resting comfortably.
She'll start her PT classes tomorrow morning, and hopefully things will continue to progress well.
We'll pass on all your hugs and good wishes -- thank you all.
swan
11/19/2010
Our T is Fine
T's surgery is finished and she is in recovery. Everything went just fine. It will be about an hour and a half, or perhaps two before we'll get to lay eyes on her, but it is a huge relief to have this part of the process done.
Now we just need to get through the next few days, and get her home to rehab and recover. Soon she'll be up and about on her brand new bionic knee.
Thanks, everyone, for your words of encouragement and support. We'll do our best to keep you posted on her progress.
swan
Now we just need to get through the next few days, and get her home to rehab and recover. Soon she'll be up and about on her brand new bionic knee.
Thanks, everyone, for your words of encouragement and support. We'll do our best to keep you posted on her progress.
swan
11/18/2010
It's K-Day!
Finally! I am going to be just as bionic as Tom....well, at least for a few months. The planning and testing and evaluating are done. I worked my last day, before the new year, today. Bag is packed, food is packed, the crappy knee chiller is packed and the cat litter has been changed.
This has been a long time coming. Five years ago our knee-guy said I was ready. And I said I wasn't. Bionic knees were lasting 12-15 years then. And with my family's longevity, I would be looking at, potentially, 3 replacements for the same knee. NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH! But these past months have found the knee more painful and less willing to be a supportive partner in my life. I don't walk like I should. I would enjoy walking with Tom and Sue everyday.
There have been changes in knee replacements. There are, now, gender-specific knees. A few years ago there was 1 knee available and it was modeled from a man's knee. Now there are boy knees and girl knees and they are interchangeable and they are lasting 20-ish years.
I will be in the hospital for 3-4 days and out of work for 6 weeks. I am nervous but excited. Everything I hear says I have a bright and skippy future ahead of me. Tom and Sue are worried and anxious. I understand that, but we all know this is going to have a great outcome.
I have been doing all of my PT exercises to strength the muscles. I have been off all arthritis medication for almost a week. I never thought they did much in the way of pain relief, but let me tell you......THEY SURE AS HELL DO!!!!! or did....and will again.
So hold a good thought for my family....they are more nervous than I am. I am sure Tom and/or Sue will keep you updated. As for me? I plan on enjoying the pain medication and doing my PT to the best of my abilities.
Talk to you all on the flip side!
T
This has been a long time coming. Five years ago our knee-guy said I was ready. And I said I wasn't. Bionic knees were lasting 12-15 years then. And with my family's longevity, I would be looking at, potentially, 3 replacements for the same knee. NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH! But these past months have found the knee more painful and less willing to be a supportive partner in my life. I don't walk like I should. I would enjoy walking with Tom and Sue everyday.
There have been changes in knee replacements. There are, now, gender-specific knees. A few years ago there was 1 knee available and it was modeled from a man's knee. Now there are boy knees and girl knees and they are interchangeable and they are lasting 20-ish years.
I will be in the hospital for 3-4 days and out of work for 6 weeks. I am nervous but excited. Everything I hear says I have a bright and skippy future ahead of me. Tom and Sue are worried and anxious. I understand that, but we all know this is going to have a great outcome.
I have been doing all of my PT exercises to strength the muscles. I have been off all arthritis medication for almost a week. I never thought they did much in the way of pain relief, but let me tell you......THEY SURE AS HELL DO!!!!! or did....and will again.
So hold a good thought for my family....they are more nervous than I am. I am sure Tom and/or Sue will keep you updated. As for me? I plan on enjoying the pain medication and doing my PT to the best of my abilities.
Talk to you all on the flip side!
T
11/16/2010
Starting Again from Here
Disaster struck three weeks ago. An array of events and circumstances came together at a single point in time, and before we knew about it, we were in way over our heads -- drowning. And just like someone drowning, each of us has frantically and blindly clawed our way to the surface, heedless of the damage we might have been doing to those who would reach out to us. We've reacted in fear and anger and frustration and hurt -- lashing out at one another. Battling herons.
That is it. There will be no further details here about the precise events that have so toppled our pleasant and peaceful lives. For now, we think that we are a bit better. A small bit calmer. Beginning to heal and rebuild. It is a tentative beginning and a precarious peace. It is worlds better than the chaos that has swirled around us in the last weeks.
One of the delusions that has developed for us, over the years of writing here is the belief that we must examine and dissect every single event and share it in this place -- no matter the cost to us personally of doing that. Not this time. We are too tender. Too fragile. Too hurt. So. We will draw the curtains over the "story" of the last bit, and keep it to ourselves. We will go forward -- starting again from here. For those of you who are interested in following the path ahead with us, we will welcome your companionship.
swan
That is it. There will be no further details here about the precise events that have so toppled our pleasant and peaceful lives. For now, we think that we are a bit better. A small bit calmer. Beginning to heal and rebuild. It is a tentative beginning and a precarious peace. It is worlds better than the chaos that has swirled around us in the last weeks.
One of the delusions that has developed for us, over the years of writing here is the belief that we must examine and dissect every single event and share it in this place -- no matter the cost to us personally of doing that. Not this time. We are too tender. Too fragile. Too hurt. So. We will draw the curtains over the "story" of the last bit, and keep it to ourselves. We will go forward -- starting again from here. For those of you who are interested in following the path ahead with us, we will welcome your companionship.
swan
11/13/2010
A Foggy Glimpse of Our Current Reality
I am not able to bring myself to share my current reality in detail. I ran across a couple of poetry excerpts by Gjertrude Schnackenberg that resonate with our present reality.
"When love was driven back upon itself,
When a lapse where my life should have been,
Opened like a breach in the wall........."
and another:
"Possessed, but not in order to possess;
Selfsame, self-owned, self-given, self-possessed,
And all in play. But conquered nonetheless."
We three are together again. I was away for a bit. We have huge struggles and our lives are profoundly changed. I hope we will continue and believe we will out of determined love and pragmatic necessity. Perhaps someday we will feel able to tell the story of our last three weeks, but if so, that time is long into the future.
On a more concrete note, next Friday November 19, our t is going to have a total knee replacement surgery and much of our time, energy, and focus will center around her recovery, care, and rehabilitation from then through the first of the year.
I hope all our friends here are well. I have missed writing here and all of your input and support but absolutely cannot even begin to imagine writing about our present experience. Likely our journey regarding t's upcoming surgery will give us an important and dramatic series of experiences we will be able to share here.
Thank you for those who are hanging in with us through this time. Thank you for caring to send us support and for bothering to miss us.
All the best,
Tom
"When love was driven back upon itself,
When a lapse where my life should have been,
Opened like a breach in the wall........."
and another:
"Possessed, but not in order to possess;
Selfsame, self-owned, self-given, self-possessed,
And all in play. But conquered nonetheless."
We three are together again. I was away for a bit. We have huge struggles and our lives are profoundly changed. I hope we will continue and believe we will out of determined love and pragmatic necessity. Perhaps someday we will feel able to tell the story of our last three weeks, but if so, that time is long into the future.
On a more concrete note, next Friday November 19, our t is going to have a total knee replacement surgery and much of our time, energy, and focus will center around her recovery, care, and rehabilitation from then through the first of the year.
I hope all our friends here are well. I have missed writing here and all of your input and support but absolutely cannot even begin to imagine writing about our present experience. Likely our journey regarding t's upcoming surgery will give us an important and dramatic series of experiences we will be able to share here.
Thank you for those who are hanging in with us through this time. Thank you for caring to send us support and for bothering to miss us.
All the best,
Tom
11/05/2010
As of Now
We are all here. All alive. All together.
We are, however, needing to take some time to regroup and reassess. This won't last forever. In a bit -- perhaps a few weeks or maybe a few months, we'll be back here jabbering away.
But not now. Not much.
Thank you, all for worrying, for wondering, for asking after us. Try not to worry. We'll be back soon.
swan
11/01/2010
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