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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.

11/30/2010

How We Are,,,,What I Can Say For Now

First of all, let me say thank you to our friends and readers here who have been way more helpful, caring, and supportive here than I/we deserve. I can say that, contrary to how this may appear, we have shared as much here as we dared in terms of our own well-being and legal process. I very much appreciate the concern and support of our friends here and apologize for frustration that our inability to be revealing of our current circumstances has created.

I can now be somewhat more forthcoming (if only slightly) and can imagine a time in the future when (perhaps)after healing, and the perspective that time and distance create, we might be able to write openly about the last month's ordeal.

We have passed through our greatest challenge to the future of our family's continued existence, and in my case, my own personal existence. It has been a time in which I have had the misfortune to experience first hand, for the first time in my life, a truly severe mental health crisis. I thought I had seen the worst I ever would with divorce, the loss of my status as a parent, the loss of my career, deaths of my parents and friends, but all of those pale in comparison to the crisis we have passed through and are still in the process of out-living. To make things more complicated all of this has taken place in the aftermath of the last two years. During that time, as a back drop to the latest "events," I have buried both my parents. I think these losses, and the care-giving that preceded them, was to a degree enhanced by my being an only child. Then there was t's and my gastric bypass surgeries and my subsequent loss of 174 pounds, or 54% of my pre-surgical fast body weight of 320 pounds, has been, while wonderful in many ways, especially in improving my health, also a great loss and hugely revolutionary upheaval in my life (a dynamic pointed out to me by the psycho-therapist I have just started seeing.) All of this has occurred over the last year and eight months, and not only is my weight loss maintaining, but I have lost an additional 5 pounds over the last week as I have passed through this latest crisis. One year ago November 23 I had a very close call with death, as a result of my bowel obstruction, an emergency bowel re-section surgery, and subsequent post operative complications. My dad was dead 8 weeks later. following that there was my daughter's alienation from me, and her choosing to permanently end all relationship with me. Then there was my crisis with my agency and board which resulted in the loss of my career last June, my first unemployment in 35 years, and my being forced into what we have come to call my "defacto retirement." Regular readers here are very much aware of the struggles I/we have had as I have adjusted to this and how it has been effected by my struggles with drinking. Many here have supported sue,t, and I through all of this. It has been as one would say, "A TIME."

Then, on the heels of all this the last month ensued. I am still not able to share explicit details and hope that at some point it might be cathartic and helpful to. I can give some inklings of what has occurred. I've been arrested in my home and thrown in jail. I've been at times quite wildly insane and violently dangerous to myself and others (my family). I am sorry to disappoint the mean-spirited anonymy whose comments I have deleted hypothesizing that I must certainly have had a DUI, but no I have not had that befall me now or ever. I will say though too, that alcohol, and its effect on my gastric bypass altered physiology, was a factor in what has occurred, and we are figuring out what to do about that. I suspect I will not have the luxury of deciding how to deal with that issue, but that the courts will decide how that issue will be resolved....but.....time will tell.

I have been in a state of terrible post traumatic stress, and acute clinical depression the last four and a half weeks since all this has evolved. I have been questioning my continued existence, enraged with almost everyone, and sue and t in particular. sue has questioned our continued relationship. Poor t has gone through total knee replacement as all this has been in play and we (especially sue) have been working at caring for and supporting her recovery and rehabilitation. (t is btw progressing in her rehabilitation with achievement that places her in the 98th percentile for successful total knee replacement patients. She is working hard, being very brave, and we have a really great surgeon.) When I made my previous post changing my life motto, I was struggling through a particularly low point in my emotional reaction to all this.

THEN SUDDENLY!!!!!!!!!!!!! yesterday afternoon, somehow, from no where I rebounded. I feel fine...........better than fine I feel great. I am in love as much as ever with my t and swan and have a handle on the fact that while they both made horribly unfortunate decisions in all this, that did lead to great harm, they did what they did out of caring, and trying to protect me and themselves from losing me. I am, BTW, not experiencing a bi-polar mood swing.

I have not written and will not say more now in that there is legal process ensuing. I have, thanks to sue and t, an excellent attorney (the cost of which may well scuttle our future economically) and he thinks we will have a positive outcome and perhaps even a dramatically reduced charges, or even acquittal, or dropped charge. I surely hope he is right. The four days I spent in jail, two of which were on suicide watch, were abusive, neglectful, and dangerous. I fear not only the emotional impact were I to return to jail, but the total unwillingness of the folks there to provide even the most minimal medical care and supports someone, with my medical needs, must have to be well and survive.

Not everyone who reads here is "on our side." I do not want to compromise our future legal process by sharing more that they might choose to harm us. Perhaps when/as we move forward I/we will be able to safely share more, and feel there is some purpose in doing so.

I don't know what has transpired the last 18 hours, but suddenly I have emerged from the most awful, fearful, enraged, terrorized, hopeless, helpless, place I have ever passed through. I couldn't imagine a way forward and suddenly everything feels OK again......Wild!............Just Wild!

Thank you again to all those who have supported us here, have continued to check in with us, and for your forbearance as we have been able to share so preciously little of our current reality.

All the best,

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

16 comments:

  1. Thank you for feeling safe enough and supported enough to allow yourself to share even this much. Your courage is extraordinary.

    As I am sure you are aware, the events and life changes you have gone through in the last year are at the top of the standard stress list. That combined with the physical effects of your surgeries and weight loss can easily shake our emotional and chemical foundations. That doesn't wipe out what you must all be feeling and thinking about what has happened, but hopefully it can keep you all from berating yourselves too much.

    Of course, I'm not a therapist - so I am very glad you have the help of a trained professional in all this.

    Clinical depression is a dark and scary thing. I've been through it a number of times. And then it can life. If you are on medication, that can help clear the fog and make you feel more like yourself again. Whatever the cause, I'm glad you are feeling better.

    My best to all of you, and may you all have the strength and confidence and assistance to get you all through this and see your way to a future that feels right and secure and loving.

    o.g.

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  2. Dear Heron Clan,

    I'm not a frequent commenter, but I do lurk mostly, sitting quietly in the background and cheering your successes. I'm sorry you're going through this as it can be soooo difficult. Clinical depression is scary...the highs are as scary as the lows, which always follow.

    Just know that I'm quietly pulling for you all and most definitely on your side!

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  3. Aren't you glad now, that the game continues? I am glad for you. All of you.

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  4. i wish all of you the very best~
    hugs~

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  5. Impish16:07 PM

    You owe me nothing, no sharing, no explanations. We are humanity and frailty. I can do no more than try to support you with mine as you dig and move forward with yours.

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  6. I haven't said much... just didn't have any words really...

    I am glad you are having a good day today.. and hope and pray that they continue... for your sake and the family's sake.

    thinking of you all ..

    morningstar

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  7. oh gosh, poor you, poor all of you, you're right - you have had a time of it!
    Glad to hear things are getting better, hope they continue to do so.
    Hugs and love and prayers for you all - keep on fighting the good fight and don't let the bastards grind you down ;D

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  8. Anonymous8:33 PM

    Hang in guys....I believe you will make it..Karen

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  9. Oh Tom... I did not see an ominous turn to your new phrase...just an acknowledgement that there is always more in life and things are not always neatly settled...But some shake ups bring in a needed change or shift and often it is for the good. I truly hope this is true for you.

    I truly hope you can put this episode far behind and pick up to head once again to where you want to be...

    Hugs my friend....

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  10. Take care, all of you.

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  11. I wish you all peace and tranquility, you have had enough upheaval.

    I wish you all love and joy, and enough hardship to help you appreciate every second of the love and joy, without overwhelming with too much hardship.

    I wish you all healing and health, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I so hope that your time with the therapist is long and fruitful, helping you to adjust to all the twists in life's road, and granting you the ability to let go of the drama that we humans often imbue those twists with.

    I think it time to put that Christmas tree back up for you all, the one I posted on January 15, 2009.

    http://tapestry41.blogspot.com/2009/01/for-heron-clan.html

    In any event, regardless of what life throws at you, I believe you can thrive, and I look forward to seeing and reading for many years to come.

    Be well.

    Tapestry

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  12. Wow. I hope that the support that the three of you get here helps a little, for it does sound as if you could use all the good feeling that you can get. I hope things go better now...

    sin

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  13. I read all the time, but I don't think I've ever commented. I just wanted to send a *hug* to you all and a prayer that things go well. It's always good when you wake up and find the sun in your head peeking out after so long.

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  14. Rhonda1:28 AM

    The fact that you three are all still together speaks volumes. Embrace one another, hang on tight to the love that you all share. There is a bright light at the end of this tunnel. Only the strong survive. Best wishes to you all.

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  15. You have certainly had a dreadful time for the last few years, as well as the last few weeks.

    My heart goes out to you all; I can only wish you the best possible outcome.

    I'm glad you've found a therapist to talk with. Sometimes that "outside" person is invaluable.

    I truly don't care of the why and whatever; I only hope you end up stronger and happier.

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  16. I would love to have some wonderful, deep, meaningful comment to make, but, alas, I'm just not that good!! For quite a while the posts here have touched me deeply, and this post is no different. I knew things must have been bad, and I kept hope in the fact that you were all still together. It sounds to me like things are moving in the right direction, as far as your relationship goes. And I'll keep my fingers crossed that your lawyer is correct and the rest will settle as well. Hugs to the three of you.

    (And to hell with the ugly anonymous's.)

    butterfly

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