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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.


First Words

To begin here seems daunting.  I feel driven to write some of what I am thinking and feeling, but want this to be a place where I can grow and learn.  I do not intend to rehash the past in this place.  In fact, my initial impulse was to import selected material from my previous blogs and use that as a beginning in this place -- but doing that felt false to me.  The past is what it is -- was.  The future remains unknown.  I am only alive in this now, and I want to capture the truth of that as best as I am able.

There will probably be very little that is kinky in what I write here, so should some who knew me from before follow me here, this place may disappoint.  My intent is to allow for introspection and self-examination, and personal healing and learning.  The last 9 years or so have been interesting and rewarding and fulfilling.  Perhaps, going forward into the future (which I hope to leave open), that life may pick up again and move forward in some fashion.  For now, it is not what is happening. 

For the first time ever, as an adult, I am considering a life that may be solitary.  I remain, as of now, in my place within the polyamorous family that has been part of my reality for these last 8-1/2 years, but I do not know if we will survive the current challenges -- and still be all together.

I've never lived alone.  Ever.  I moved from my parents' home to my college dormitory and then apartment -- and there were always roommates.  Then I married, at the age of 19, and began a 27 year long marriage filled with a husband and my children.  Before my marriage officially ended, I was already here, living in THIS family, as different as could be from the mainstream that others know -- poly and BDSM mingled to create a life with relatively few choices to make, and very little in the way of outside relationships.  Beyond my work, my entire life has been wrapped up in this household and the needs and desires and wishes of the man I've called "Master."

I chose that life.  I chose to trust.  I chose to give the control into his hands.  I chose to love in this fashion.

The love remains.  For the rest -- that will perhaps become clear as we move forward.  I cannot be sure.

For all the years that I've been associated with the BDSM lifestyle, I've known about women who had power-based relationships that ended.  It most often has seemed that those endings feel traumatic and devastating.  Women report that they are paralyzed -- unable to move or decide or know what to do.  That does not feel like what I am experiencing.  I feel sadness at the turn of events, and I feel a longing for what was -- for what is gone.  But I am not devastated. 

So.  I am Sue.  Exploring what I think; what I feel; what I want -- and considering the possibilities for whatever comes next.



  1. can I just say - like you I never ever lived on my own. Not until my 50th birthday!! It was a daunting task moving out on my own - into my own lil house. I was scared stiff. And I remember the first time the furnace didn't come on - and it was -20 Celsius and I sat and cried and asked myself 'whatever made me think I was able to live on my own!!!' But I worked my way through that problem and other problems that have come up over the last 10 years.

    I know now .. that living alone is one of the best things that I have ever done. Oh it is not for everyone for sure !! But for me it fulfills my hermit side. And I am now guarding this solitude

    Whatever the future holds for you... I know! you will handle it with all the grace and fortitude you have handled all the rest that has gone before. I believe in you

  2. morningstar -- thank you! For being here, for believing in me, for sharing your life and your path with me.

    I know there's a way forward, but I am scared and sad and tired. I hope I can stay sure enough to just walk this a day at a time.


  3. Anything different from what you're used to is scary. But maybe its very difference is what makes it so valuable. I think living alone at times is really important. It can be strengthening, and create a firmer sense of self. On the other hand, I wouldn't do it without a cat or two. The house feels too empty then.

    I've lived alone a lot, including for long spells during my second marriage, when ex-hubby #2 would go running off to live here or there for a semester without one thought to what that would mean for me. I find I like living alone. Sometimes. And then I get to needing someone around. But it has to be the right someone.

    These days, I occasionally think longingly about having a regular sort of boyfriend. Someone I could include in plans with my friends. Someone who would be around for me to cook for. Or with. And then I think no. I'm pretty satisfied with the way things are. I need air. Space. Time to be with myself. It has a lot to recommend it.

    But for now - just breathe. One breath at a time. And then remember - there are people who believe in you.


  4. Oatmeal Girl -- I do appreciate you being here, and I thank you for your support and encouragement. I like that "one breath at a time" bit of advice... Afterall, it is "inspiration" -- that drawing in of breath.


  5. I look forward to continuing the journey with you, here, there, and wherever life takes us.

    Peace and Love


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