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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.


Let's Try This Again

Commenting on my last post, Kate said...

"You've been very clear that you do not wish to hear from anyone unless they are supportive and encouraging, and that any opinions short of unconditional positive regard are not wanted."

No.  Kate.  You have it wrong.

Support and encouragement are, of course always welcomed.  We have been through a very long, very difficult series of events, and those who find it in their hearts to hold us up are treasured.  Is there any human anywhere who doesn't appreciate being treated kindly when life seems challenging and dark?  We are no different, whatever you might think of us.

We do not, however, limit the participation here to only those commenters who are "supportive and encouraging."  Not everyone that comments here sees things exactly as we do, and there are surely those who hold ideas and opinions that vary from our own.  If the hallmark of that "unconditional positive regard" that you find so objectionable is a reluctance to confront us and offer differing opinions, then some of our longest-standing, most reliable commenters seem to be lacking in that quality.  They have no problem at all suggesting that we try something different, or encouraging us to investigate another path, or asking us to consider things from an alternative perspective.  We really don't have a group of rubber stamp friends.

What we do have is a group of people who understand the notion of respect.  These are decent people who understand that nothing is served by mean-spirited and abusive commentary.  They come here as visitors, and they behave like visitors.  They mind their manners.  They consider whether the things they want to say will contribute in some positive way to the dialog, and if the answer is no, then they don't say it.  They do not call names.  They do not try to set us against each other.  They don't take sides.  They own their own opinions, and they offer advice for what it is worth (taking no offense if we choose to not take what is offered).

I really don't know why this is so hard for some people to understand.  This is our place. We created it years ago.  We've kept it going with some 1200 posts to date.  We've poured our hearts out here, and we've nurtured this through a lot of ups and downs.  To us, this place is important and valuable.  It is a refuge; the place where we can safely pour out the confusions and worries and hurts along with the joys and triumphs and giddy moments.  We do defend it.  We reserve the right to have it be what we choose to have it be.  And... we fully understand that some people may not want to "play" inside of those constraints.  That's OK.  No one should feel compelled or required to be here.  There are probably hundreds and hundreds of blogs out there.  If somewhere else seems more congenial, then we will wish you well.

There are a few cyber denizens who seem drawn to our blog, and perhaps others.  They cannot seem to manage to say anything positive, or even polite.  They must find fault.  They are driven to be insulting.  They are disrespectful and ill-mannered.  They seem convinced that we somehow NEED them to point out our faults, failings, and pure fuck ups -- that their clear perception of our imperfections will, all by itself, endow us with the magic to turn everything around and convert us to the right path.

I imagine that these people would not accost some total stranger, out in a public place, and lambaste them with obnoxious and abusive nastiness.  Consider -- who among us would walk up to someone in a crowded grocery and begin to rail at them about being enormously fat and slovenly and disgusting?  Doing that would create a scene-stopping social crisis.  The target of such rudeness would be entirely justified in taking whatever actions were available and appropriate to protect themselves and end the assault.   We have commonly agreed upon social norms that almost always prevent that sort of scene from happening -- in real life.  Here, though, on the Internet, it seems that some forget (or choose to ignore) the customs of civil interaction.  Most often, here, the worst and rudest commenters will not only break all the rules, but then they will insist that it is their right to do that.   "How dare we react negatively to their abuse?" they will wonder incredulously.

That sort of thinking just causes me to shake my head in wonderment.  So, I am afraid, Kate that you will continue to be offended and disappointed in our recalcitrant insistence on having things our way here in our place.  I imagine our opinions and attitudes will continue to annoy and irritate you.  Maybe you will keep on coming here for some unfathomable reason.  We won't move to stop you...  And even when your opinions differ from ours, as today's so clearly did, we'll respect that.  Just keep it civil.  I don't think that is too much to ask.



  1. Swan and Tom, I'm one of the 800 people who read Tom's post and didn't comment. Actually, I read it twice, so I guess I'm 2 of those people.

    I wanted to offer something profound, supportive. I've had nothing, so went away saying nothing.

    But you reminded me that sometimes when we write, we write to hear back from people. Maybe not something profound. Maybe just a comment to say, yeah, that's hard, I hope things get better. I do hope it for all of you.

    I feel your lives have been bitterly hard for the past year. And ... is it too Pollyanna-ish to say that it sounds like things are getting better. I hope they are.


  2. Anonymous12:16 AM

    It's Rhonda again.
    I, too, hope that things get better. I have commented here in the past, though very infrequently, but prior to the post that i last sent, all of my comments have been supportive. I truly apologize for the inherent nastiness that accompanied my words. But they came from the heart. I don't expect that anything said by anyone on the internet will serve as any sort of epiphany for any of you. My 'superb' impulse control got the best of me. i am no better or worse than anyone else. We all have baggage, ongoing issues, etc.. The only reason I put a scathing comment out there was because it seemed that Tom still refuses to stop blaming everyone else. He is (seems to be) still reliving the days that got you all where you are now, instead of focusing on how to move forward. How long does it take to get to the point of making forward progress? I love bastards too. I "get" the attraction. What i dont get is how you can profess to love someone(s), and not be able to look at your own self, honestly, in an effort to examine whether you might be the root cause of the current prevailing issue. From what he wrote, he isn't even close to that sort of self examination. I realize that i/joe-public only gets to see a fraction of what entails your real life,but if that is all i have to go on, and if you put it out there, then let the comments fall where they may. I really do wish you all well. And believe me, if someone i loved in the face-to-face part of my world was having this issue, i'd be in their face about it. Not in a pretty way. I have been there, done it. The people involved were much younger than Tom, but i have been there. I gave them loads of love and almost unconditional support, but at the end of the day, i would still tell them how i felt. tough love, maybe? i dont know. i just dont think it is fair to be flowery when the sky is really dark. I really dont think, from what Tom expressed, that he is moving forward. I find that sad.

    Sorry. I wont comment again. I wish you all the very best and truly hope that you once again find yourselves living blissfully happy.


  3. I consider visiting this blog the same as visiting with you in your home. You have issued by putting your comments here an invitation to an ongoing conversation. My responsibility as a guest is the same as it would be if I was a physical guest in your home. My written behavior should be the same as if I were involved in a verbal conversation with you and your other guests. One of my gifts of extended sobriety is that while I may have strong opinions, I can express them without feeling hurt if they don't "fit" for you. I consider all three of you my friends and wish you nothing your best for all of you.

  4. weirdgirl4:19 AM

    I am hesitant to comment, as I am unsure how it will be taken, but I feel compelled. With the greatest of respect to all three of you, we have only the words you choose to place here to form our picture of your lives. Of course this is bound to lead to a degree of distortion from what is your day to day reality.
    My thoughts concern both Tom's post and your response to Morningstar's comment. I feel that her comment WAS germane, as it speaks to Tom's apparent refusal to see the situation from anyone else's position (ie yours or T's). Tom's post refers in great detail to the events as he perceived them, and whilst I have no wish to undermine the gravity of this and it's devastating effects, it has been devastating for ALL. There seems to me to be something of the martyr here...I feel that Tom, by going over and over the details in such a fashion is continuing to supply destructive power to an event that, as you so rightly pointed out to Morningstar, cannot be altered. I'm not sure how much sense this is making, and I have no wish to offend any of you, but as someone with now almost 6 years of hard-won sobriety it concerns me that it still seems like Tom would drink again if he was not on probation. This will soon enough be his own choice to make, but I am genuinely surprised that he has not found sobriety (despite the horrific way it came about)to be filled with quiet treasures that are easily passed over when one drinks. I hope that those moments are ones that do happen... in between the lines he chooses to write here, and that joy returns in ever increasing increments to your Clan.

    Wishing you all peace and happiness

  5. I am one of the "silent ones", sending warm wishes to all three of you when I read your words and worrying about how your lives are going. I guess I find the comment box so unlike me sitting across the table from you that I find it intimidating somehow.

    If you were my neighbours, my work colleagues or my family members I can see me sitting and listening and nodding and holding your hand and sympathising.

    Please accept my (usual) silence as me sitting and listening and nodding and holding your hand and sympathising.

    Ana x


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