We've talked (He and I), more than once, about the dilemmas presented when there is "love" included in the BDSM equation.
As "things" have evolved between us in the last couple of years, and the intensity of our "play" has shifted, He has spoken of the conversation that He engages in within His own mind about wanting to fulfill His sadistic desires while, simultaneously, being reluctant to hurt me... He is genuinely torn. I suspect that He is not the first Dominant to find walking that path confusing at best.
As for me, the reality of my slavery is generally pretty lightly held in our world. There are no set protocols. Life is pretty fluid. It has been fairly easy for me to slip into believing that because He loves me as my Master, that is the same thing as being "in love" with me in a romantic sense.
The truth is that our relationship lives on two levels, but the core of who we are is always going to be rooted in the fact that He is "Master," and I am "slave." It is important that I not forget that reality, if this realtionship is going to proceed smoothly and calmly along the path that is best for the two of us.
Forgetting put us at odds with each other this last weekend. It was not a happy time in the House of Heron.
Most of the regular readers here know that I struggle with the "poly-ness" which is Master's natural bent. His desire and preference is to have multitudes of play partners, and He actively seeks those people out. There is no shortage of "fodder" in that arena. In the "vanilla" poly world (is there such a thing?), there are all sorts of rules and understandings and pretty little platitudes. People talk about honesty and keeping partners "on the same page" and all kinds of sort of "equal opportunity" stuff. But that's vanilla poly.
We aren't vanilla poly.
He trolls, and He links up, and He makes His arrangements how and as He will, and He doesn't feel any particular need or requirement to share any of that with me. Why should He? I am the slave. That's His view. Makes absolute sense to Him.
They show up in the stat counts, because He sends them here. I can see them. And He gets all excited and "weird" sounding with me. So I "know" about them. Except I don't. And if I ask, He tells me "not happening." And I get crazy, because I can't tell what is real and what isn't.
Pisses me off.
Except that He has made it clear: "You are my slave. I am the Master. I will communicate with whomever I please -- spank whomever I please. Whenever, however, wherever I choose. You will behave, in that context, exactly as I tell you to behave. You will not practice emotional blackmail. You are mine." Backed up words and commands with the kind of impact that He believes drives His message home.
So.
I will be backing up. Backing off. Learning this anew or again or whatever. It isn't about what I want or what I like or how I feel. It is about Him. Message received.
Slave. Leave the emotional "stuff" at the door. Obey and serve. There will always be a place within Master's love for that slave. Without that, He will only be bewildered at what it is that I think I am doing here...
swan
This post comes at a very helpful time for me and us. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteRegards,
EO
Ugh...Swan. Wow. The thing that is hard for me to understand about this arrangement, is how this is poly? It is an open honest relationship style...yes. But so much in the "traditional" definition of poly are the "how do you feel about this, what can I do to make it easier, are you okay with us doing ______ ." conversations and negotiations.
ReplyDeleteThese discussions are not to make the active poly person feel manipulated, but to make the partner(s) feel cared about, and to choose the paths that make things easier and more stable for the primary family. Because...the easier it is for the partner(s), the easier it is for all involved...most especially the person who is stepping out of the bounds of the relationship.
If this works for you guys...then it works, and that is all there is to it. There is obviously no one "right" way to do poly...though I do see people who seem to muck it up pretty good. If you all agree on these rules (and I see submissives don't really get a vote), then it's fine...
but it seems to me there is an easier way. (Though when has the Heron clan ever opted for "easier" ways? *grin*) Even in vanilla poly, one partner's discomfort/sadness/ or even misery does not mean the outside relationships do not happen...believe me...but there are often negotiations that help the beast move at a manageable pace...
Love & peace to you all...
Tangerine, I can understand your comment from the perspecive of having read sue's post. In that context it seems pretty reasonable.
ReplyDeleteI am going to respond from my perspective.
The reality is that this post and the family upheaval that is its context, is that I have shared four email with a woman who is "coming out" about her sensual/erotic orientation to adult consensual spanking. I am sure, in that she reads here, any further interaction we would have had will now end, and that that was an intended outcome. I have advertised on the Internet as someone who is available to asseist people in dealing with that transition (and, yes, realistically, that might well come to entail possibly engaging in adult consensual spanking.)To read her post you would imagine that I have had numerous hook-ups and people over being spanked and goodness knows what all else. There has been NO ONE. Now that is not for lack of trying and in years past there were quite a few. So I am not arguing that I am somehow only into cyber-relating, but it is to say there is absolutely no basis in reality for this discussion of my "hooking up" with anyone except perhaps by corresponding via email an possibly sometimes by IM.
This profligate wild exchange of email has resulted in swan's imagining that she might be about to lose her place in our family, has had people in her bedroom flinging their undewear about when she is not there, and that she is in general about to have a life crisis. She has been very upset.
I did in fact respond to this, after reasoning failed, by telling her that we are in a M/s relationship, that I would in fact email with whomever I choose to about whatever I wish to discuss. And that if that communication were to come to my inviting someone into our home I would expect her to be hospitable, and to help support and mentor our guest, and that further if I required it she would assist in scening if that came to pass.
I am more than willing to be open and honest....I very much prefer it. If I share email with swan this is the result. I had decided to avoid this and attempt to sheild her by not bothering to share communications that were not going to result in real time meetings. Obvioulsy she is reading my email anyway, which is fine. She has not been banned from doing that. But I'd thought that not sharing information about relationships that would never involve her would avoid this sort of hystrionics. I would share the information if we got to the point of relating real time. That was a "cop out" I should have been up front from the start and have dealt with her paranoia.
I will continue to relate to whomever I choose to relate to. I am not intersted avoiding or ignoring the feelings of swan or t. But I will not have this kind of passive agressive crap going on in our family.
If I sound angry I AM!!!!!!
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. LIe the life you've imaqined.
Ah poly...ain't it great???
ReplyDeleteYou should know, if you don't already...that I heavily identify with Swan, and I tend to project myself into her situations (as of course, I perceive them). I think she and I have some similar buttons that get pushed by certain aspects of poly. I have felt a lot of the feelings she posted...and I am actually now in a similar situation with a possible new (sexual) relationship on the horizon for my partner, about which I feel some unease. I will probably be writing about that this weekend.
You all have a very complicated dynamic, which I fully admit I don't totally understand...but, I am glad to hear your side of things.
I would say, that in my experience, when I perceive that some vital poly information is being withheld...it makes me crazy. I have found that knowing what is going on is always less upsetting than what my mind can create. I have had to learn how to ask for the information I want, and be calm while I listen to it. If I fly in histrionics (and that used to happen) then my partner shut down totally. Why would he want to tell me something when it was a guaranteed fight or crying game?
Sometimes I have to dig my nails into my arm when he tells me things that are hard to hear, but I listen calmly. I will not lie to him and say everything is swell if it's not, but it's also not fair for me to expect/demand information without being in a state to hear it. My partner has a tendency to want to hide things...he has worked hard to not do that. And I have had to make it safe for him to tell me, as it is much harder for me to hear truth than to tell it...
I hope things ease over there soon.
Sending love and good thoughts for all...
Well, I am monogamous so I really have no poly experience to back my opinion. But I know how Swan feels because my s/o likes to have email relationships too. I know he is not going to meet these women in r/l because I would never allow it and he would not cheat on me. But I, like Swan, read his email and all the things he says to the women and what they say to him. And I see the girls really falling for him; he says they aren't important to him, that it is just fun, but some of these girls definitely want more from him.
ReplyDeleteI am hurt by these emails and not just because we are monogamous, but because we started our relationship by email and I see similarities in his current emails with ones he used to send me. I felt so special when we emailed and IMed in the beginning but it hurts when he talks the same way to these other women because it makes me feel that what we had was not as special, not as unique as I thought it was. I know he loves me and I love him, but it still hurts some.
I cannot speak for Swan but I wonder if she feels this way too; if she sees herself in the new women you talk to and that makes her feel less unique and special. I know that a lot of these email relationships burn out quickly, but they can be so intense in the beginning, so fun and new.
You two have a different dynamic than my s/o and I have and if that works for your family, it's not my place to judge. All I know is that this post from Swan made me feel sad for her, and a little for myself.
This is very simple. He and I don't see this the same way. I doubt that we are going to see it the same way. He is calling this an unresolved conflict. But, within this dynamic, that is simply not a reality. There really is only one way to see it, and that is HIS way. So it is over. He will do what He will do, and it will be fine.
ReplyDeleteEnd of discussion.
swan