Fantasies Are Not Bad

Fantasies are not bad things. In fact, fantasies can be good. Those bits of mental imagery that so fire our hearts, minds, and bodies are capable of enlivening and invigorating our sexual responses. For many of us, living inside of BDSM relationships, fantasy is the stuff that we use to drive our connections forward.


It is, however, important to know where the edges are. The thing about fantasy is that it is not limited by practical or physical reality. We can imagine all sorts of interactions that may seem incredibly hot, and have no relationship to anything that can or should ever happen in the real world.


So, it is not uncommon for women to have vivid rape fantasies -- which do not even remotely resemble the reality of violent rape. Dominance fantasies are among the most common fantasies for women, and in those fantasies, women most frequently are the top partner. Many of us indulge in fantasy role plays: school girl, interrogation, sexy nurse... lots and lots of costume dramas. Commonly, women report fantasies about sex with a stranger -- involving them or involving their partners, and many of us have voyeuristic fantasies. The realm of sexual fantasy is a rich and fertile source of sexual excitement and pleasure.


There's one element that is common to every single sexual fantasy, though, and it is important to understand this -- we are in absolute control of our fantasies. We do the casting, the set design, the scripting. We call the shots, and we decide when and how we will engage and participate in the various scenes that we play out on the internal screens of our minds.


So, I think I absolutely understand the sort of excitement that may be a driving force when someone talks the way kaya did about her fantasy that her Master engage sexually with another woman. There's a great masochistic flavor to her vividly drawn imaginary scene where she is confronted with the potential for Him to connect with another woman who is better...

So here’s something that I had totally dismissed as being worth blogging about:
Master left yesterday for a short business trip. The first thing I asked him was if he’s going to fuck/use another woman.
He shrugged. Said he didn’t know. Said maybe. Said it would depend. I told him he should. In fact, I practically begged him to.
Encouraged it.
He’s never done it. Never. Oh, to play with another, yes. But fucking? Nope.
When he talks about it, he talks too much about my feelings. He wants me involved, he wants me there, he wants me to not feel cheated on. He thinks something like that should be a joint activity.
This frustrates me.
He’ll talk about threesomes, things like that, and I just shake my head. I don’t WANT to have a threesome (well. I mean, I DO. And I would. But that’s a separate thang.) What I want is to be at home while he’s off fucking another woman. Or to be in the room, but not allowed to participate while he fucks/uses another woman in front of me.
I want my face rubbed in it. I want to cry about it. I want to hurt about it. I want to wonder if she was better than me- No. I want him to tell me she was better than me. I want to be compared, and found lacking, even if it isn’t true.
We have these repeated conversations, pretty much every time he takes off on a trip. He keeps saying that he doesn’t want or need another. That he’s content with me, that I take care of his needs, blah blah blah. And I keep saying that it isn’t ABOUT that (and think that maybe I should stop taking such good care of his needs if’n I’m ever gonna get my way. But *smack my hand* them’s bad girl thoughts, dontchaknow.)
Finally he was like, wtf is your deal? Why do you push this all the time?
So. You know why? I’ll tell you why.
It’s not just about emotional masochism, though I’m sure that factors in.
It’s because I want to… I NEED to… have this prideful contentment erased. Scrubbed out. Obliterated.
I want to feel less secure in my slavery. I want to experience jealousy and fear.
I want to be reminded that I don’t own him.
Plus, you know, it’s perverted as all fuck.

Yeah. Fantasy. A number of her commenters said, "Be careful what you ask for," and that is good advice -- because real life relationships are not as easily controlled or scripted or well mannered as our imaginings might make it seem. We tend, in this poly-fascinated world, to believe that there is no real reason for relational jealousy or insecurity, but that is just not the reality. People do get hurt emotionally when there are "extraneous" relationships -- not every time. Not all the time. But it isn't unheard of; not even uncommon.

So... In real life, the mystery woman that plays that part in the "hot" fantasy, just might not behave "properly" in the event:

IF your partner decides to take on another relationship, that relationship will have its own life, its own parameters, its own boundaries and values.
That other woman that you create in your imaginings isn't real, but if what you imagine comes to pass, it will be with a real, flesh and blood human person.
SHE will have her own feelings, her own wants and needs, her own ideas, her own agenda -- and you will have no control over any of that.
SHE will not follow your script.
SHE may or may not come to know who you are.
SHE may or may not care about you, and you may or may not like her.
SHE may or may not value or honor your situation, station, or role.
SHE doesn't have to.
SHE will occupy space and SHE will soak up energy and time.
The time will come when SHE likely will be in your home, sitting on your furniture, sleeping on your sheets, using your towels, toiletries, toys.
SHE will not be put away when you are tired of your fantasy.
SHE will be back tomorrow and next week and next month. And if not her, then someone else.
In all liklihood, SHE won't contribute anything much to your world. The chores, the bills, the worries, those will all still be yours.
SHE will come and go on a schedule that has no time for the boring details of real life.
What you work to create and provide, SHE will just take as her right.
SHE will be around for the goodies.

Fantasy and reality are the two halves of our emotional, sexual lives. We who claim the label of masochist are sometimes prone to a sort of bravura that can lead us into damaging and destructive choices. We know that is a risk to those who are new, unattached, and hungry, but what about those who are "into" established dynamics? Is it possible for us to talk ourselves into places that are simply not healthy. There are people who create good and positive poly relationships, but that isn't what this is about. This is about generating extra relational dynamics that are designed to be hurtful and painful. I'd say that's an OK fantasy, but a really bad idea when it comes to real life.

swan