From a Friend

A friend sent me these song lyrics over the weekend (Thanks, Tangerine!):

Without words

I use my tongue to tell the tale of us

Tracing your shadowscape

Kneeling before you

my eyes feast upon your masculinity and

All its divinity and

I praise you

Because all of that is for me

Jose Nunez ~~ Bilingual

In her note, my friend commented that she thought that perhaps, given the poly and M/s nature of our relatedness, these lyrics weren't entirely applicable, but that somehow, she was reminded of Master and I in the reading of them. So, I went back and spent time re-reading and thinking about them. I can see her point. There is a powerful undercurrent of "possession" to these passionate lyrics. There is the absolute certainty that the object of the song is "for" the singer, entirely. The fire and the heat that comes from the words is only partly in the purely sensual appreciation of the "other," it arises equally from the way the two lives are seen to entwine with one another to the exclusion of all else.

Surely, that is contrary to the way that most poly people see their way of relating. Surely, it is inappropriate for a slave to have the sense that Master "belongs" to her. There is a decidedly vanilla set of thought patterns here. Nodding...

But the words DO speak to me, and I believe they DO speak about the kind of powerful and passionate connection we share.

I think it is a fallacy to insist that poly loving needs to somehow be detached loving. That intellectual trap is very easy to fall into as one begins to explore the dynamics of loving polyamorously: "if I am going to love more than one, and if my lover is going to love others, then better (and emotionally easier) that I not invest fully in the whole business." Too often, under that set of assumptions, poly loving becomes fragmented and compartmentalized with lovers reserving bits and pieces of themselves and their lives for the various partners -- never really leaping fully into an all-for-all relationship mode. Doing that results in patchwork quilt relationship webs and piecemeal love matches where no one ever gives or receives the whole that is potential. It doesn't have to be that way if we really believe what we say about "more love makes more love." It does require great courage...

In the same vein, there is, among people within the BDSM community, the pervasive belief that in power-based relationships, the "bottom" partner has no ownership interest in their beloved. I understand that there are relationships that are modeled on power dynamics without the emotional burden of affection or love, but they are, in my limited experience, in an extreme numerical minority. Most of us, love simultaneously and congruently with our power exchange orientation. It is one thing -- a whole fabric from which we fashion unique and powerful relationships. My slave self strives to be wholly at His service, even as my lover self rejoices in the sheer wonder of His being "mine." Admittedly, He is "mine" because He dwells in my heart and my head in such a way that He could never be separated from the reality of who I am. It is, of course, a different sort of "having" than His ownership of me, but no less real or valid for all of that.


Mostly, these words speak to me of what it is to love passionately, completely, and joyfully with the whole of one's being. It is for us to celebrate the great gift of loving and being loved in all the ways that can manifest. It is an awesome, simple, human-animal thing to do: to become fully immersed in the present reality of the one we love, and to engage fully in all the sensory, emotional, intellectual, spiritual delights that can come from the encounter.

swan

Religulous -- The Movie

We went, Sunday afternoon, to see Bill Maher's new movie, "Religulous." It was a bit of a departure for us since we almost always go to movies which around here are referred to as "chick flicks" (and no, it probably doesn't mean what you think it means).

Maher's movie was of interest for entirely different reasons, just as "Fahrenheit 9/11," and "An Inconvenient Truth" were a few years back. He and we were interested and intrigued by the intellectual premise of this film, and it did not disappoint. It was both thought provoking and wickedly funny.

It is creating a bit of a stir among the "churched," but not nearly as much as I might have expected. I wonder about that. Is there just so much else going on that the religious zealots can't find enough time and energy to go picket theaters? Interesting.

Whatever. Thinking people will find plenty to chew on in this piece. The simple question that pervades it is really something like: "Do you really believe that? Really?"

swan

Mirror

M:e wrote eloquently about the mirroring that comes to us from those we relate to -- the power that we can get from being able to see ourselves reflected in the responses and reactions of those who are closest to us in life. It is a powerful post and I was reminded of the power that mirrors have within the practice of feng shui. I wrote some of my thinking in this comment to her post:


I am especially struck by the metaphor of the mirror. We do, all of us, respond on many levels to what is reflected to us from our surroundings, our communities, our intimate friends and relationships.
As I contemplated this notion, I got drawn back to the ideas that come from feng shui about the use of mirrors to direct and reflect and draw energy. Hence, mirrors can open up and brighten a closed or dark space. Mirrors, well used, can enliven a space and create warmth and a deep sense of well-being. Feng shui teaches that we ought to strive to use mirrors that reflect a true and whole image — small, fractured, or multiple partial images can be disturbing and unhealthy. Too, we ought to be mindful of the energy power of our mirrors; keeping them out of the spaces where we seek to be quiet and rested, and reserving them for the parts of our lives where it is good to have energy and power injected.
I think that our choices to enter into power-exchange is very like choosing to use mirrors consciously. I can learn to see myself clearly, to draw energy from my deliberated decisions to live in a particular fashion, to find both quiet and stimulation in the truthful reflection of this most intimate mirroring.

One other thing, that I didn't think of as I was writing that bit, but that seems to also be true of this "mirroring" effect of relationships is this: we ALL are mirrors for one another. So, even as I learn and grow from Master's mirroring of me, He may receive energy and warmth and brightness from what I mirror back to Him. As slave, as partner, as lover, it is essential that I remember to reflect with honesty and love, so that He too, may be enriched by the reflection from me to Him.

swan

Warrior Slave?

One of my favorite children's books, one which I read over and over and over again to my own two children, is "Old Turtle." It is a lovely, softly colored story about a world-wide discussion of the "nature of god:"

"Long ago, an argument arose between mountains and rivers, stars and ants, lions and bears on the nature of God. A terrible cacophony of quarreling voices rang out until wise Old Turtle quelled the din, explaining that ``God is all that we dream of, and all that we seek. . .all that we come from and all that we can find.''

In the last few days, I've been reading a sort of quiet, blog-based conversation that reminds me of the Old Turtle story in some sort of sideways fashion. I'm really not sure that the connection here is very solid, but it is in my head, so humor me.

As far as I can tell, the beginning is a piece written by i999shadow on Fetlife, entitled “She/he needs me, she/he needs me not”:

On the one hand, there is the strong belief in the slave/sub that is independent, confident, in control, has it all together, can handle anything, will take care of the partner and all their stuff, and works for a living. We sometimes refer to them as the ‘warrior slave’.
On the other hand, there is the needy, ‘fallen sparrow’ slave/sub that has issues and needs someone to straighten out their stuff, put them on track, keep their issues under control, take care of them as they take care of their partner, and cannot live WELL without someone in control. We often call them ‘trainwrecks’.
...Every now and then, this little voice in the back of my head says “Well HELL…. WHY would anyone that is happy, stable, financially secure, baggage free, totally in control, competent and stable need to have a TPE– and what the hell would the dominant find to control fer chrissakes??? Outside of playtime, what would that bottom/sub/slave have to turn over– and why would any top/dom/etc. WANT them to turn it over– after all, they are handling it just fine as it is, thank-you-very-much.

Responding, or perhaps more accurately, expanding on that thought-stream, kaya wrote:

I just keep thinking that some of these seemingly innocent, or even silly, protocols or routines, things that are generally prevalent during the early stages of M/s but that tend to disappear over time are far more important than one gives them credit for...I’m reminded by His words and His tone of why I am doing it and what my place is in this relationship, which is immensely more satisfying and serves to keep this relationship from degenerating into your standard vanilla marriage...It’s very difficult to maintain the expectations and headspace of property, servant, fuckdoll, when the treatment implies friend, wife and lover...What is there to control if I’m doing it all on my own? If I no longer need direction or commands or reminders - if I’m handling it all just fine

Then, morningstar picked up the thread and continued the conversation:

i am most definitely a "warrior slave" sort...... i am capable.. self sufficient.. independent.. confident... BUT that does not mean i don't want a TPE...What does the dominant get to control.. well ME of course...how much fun is it to control someone who is weak and pitiful and extremely needy??? Isn't there some challenge to be found in the conquering the mighty??BUT...once a warrior slave has been "captured" ...then they must be reminded of their captivity. They must feel their chains.. their bonds .. otherwise ...they become restless and impatient..... and a bit angry at the world...don't submissives - even well trained.. follow the rules all the time submissives... need some validation that what they are doing they are doing for a reason...There are times that i feel like the perfect 'wife' .. i cook .. i clean.. i iron .. i take care of my "man".......... ...am i a good wife or a good slave...Maybe we warrior slaves need...to know that we are still very much the slave in this relationship

I've just been captured by the language of it all. Warrior slave vs. sparrow slave... The imagery is so compelling. Except I just can't make it work for me.

I am familiar with that warrior mode. I spent years and years and years -- nearly three decades -- as the warrior woman. Armored and armed, I faced the world with ferocious determination, knowing that it really was all up to me every single day. I went out into the world, and I kicked butt and took names. I climbed the corporate ladder over the backs of my contemporaries and compatriots, and I never ever looked back or down. I worked my way into the halls of the powerful and mighty, and I learned to play the games, and I knew that I needed to spend every moment on watch for the one who would climb over me. I lost my soul and I lost my youth and I lost my heart in all of that battling. I "won" in the terms used by those who play that game, but I still don't know what it was that I earned as the prize.

One day, after years of fighting, I put that all aside and began to search for the path that would bring me back home to my essential self. I came to understand that living life protected and armed against being touched was not living at all. Moving from "warrior" to slave was, for me a path of softening and learning to bend and believe in someone else besides myself. For me, it was not about giving up my talents, my gifts, my abilities, or may personal assets. For me, it was about putting those treasures into service in some bigger sense. I did not trade my warrior persona for a "broken" or "helpless" persona. I'll never be a sparrow.

In becoming slave; in acquiring the mantle of slave, I became more fully the woman that I was born and destined to be. I've learned and accepted the truth of who I am. I remain strong and I remain capable. I still go out into the world each day to face whatever comes to me, but I do that knowing that I am never all by myself, never completely on my own. That knowledge gives me a measure of security and safety. It is alright, now, to be soft and vulnerable.

Having said all of that, I can understand the "need" and the "desire" that comes in those times when we are, for whatever reason, left undirected and un-supervised. I've been there. I've dropped into that grumpy, pouty, angry spot in my head. It leaves space open for questions to arise, and that is disquieting. I think kaya talked about balance. How much nominal "independence" can a slave handle before feeling as if they are on a tight-wire strung above a deep chasm?

For us, it is a function of the dynamic nature of our power-based relating. The energy that we hold between us ebbs and flows. It hums and vibrates in harmony with our own personal fields. We sometimes resonate very closely with each other, and then there are times when we seem to clash and rattle like lightning bolts from cloud to cloud. That is not about "neglect" or anything so dreadful as a "reversion to vanilla loving." It is about being human in a busy and many-faceted world. We don't, either of us, stay in the same "space" from day to day. Neither does our relationship. We grow and change and cope and shine as we can and as we will.

I think, mostly, each of us does the best we can. He watches me more carefully than I sometimes give Him credit for. I self-monitor and self-maintain in ways that He sometimes doesn't notice (isn't that the idea?). For the most part we nurture a connection that remains wondrous and strong and way better than anything either of us managed to achieve in previous relationships. We are good mostly, and we are here together. We'll continue to learn and establish the boundaries and maintain the balance going forward. It is the nature of loving in real terms and real time.

swan

Dancin' -- Reprise

We did go, last night, for the big Dance party put on by Master's agency. Of course we did. And, I'm here to report that it was a huge success -- beyond any of our expectations. It was one heck of a party, and a wonderfully fun gathering of the community.

Here we are all dressed to go... Not our "usual" mode!

The "one" sort of challenging part of this particular "dress up" event was that my dress showed the cutting -- leaving very little to the imagination. That's a bit of new territory for us. We've scrupulously kept that evidence of our relatedness under wraps whenever we are in a situation where our "private" lives intersect with Master's professional life. I do have other things that can be worn for dress occasions that aren't so revealing, but I really wanted to wear this, and I've begun to weary of hiding. Ultimately, as we considered the possibilities, we came to the conclusion that it was likely no one would pay any attention, and that if anyone did notice, I could simply tell them that the initials are my former husband's -- with the last initial simply not visible under the dress. As it turned out, only one person asked, and she was not someone that we'll likely ever encounter again.

So. A night out and a night "out."

swan

Fear and Risk

Jojo raised an important question in a comment left on the "I am in Love " post:

I have often wondered if you are fearful of posting pictures of yourself online. I like seeing your happy family. Yet I fear some ignorant and judgemental people will somehow identify you through this blog and use it to threaten your job. I also understand not wanting to live your life in the shadows and being afraid to express who you are. Do you ever worry about kids or parents finding your blog

Where does one begin to respond to a concern that is so deeply felt and so kindly expressed? There is plenty to say about this particular issue.

If the question is, "Are you afraid?" then the answer is, "yes." There are real risks to being "out" in any degree about a lifestyle that is outside the social norms in our society. We live there on at least two counts: polyamory and BDSM. In fact, I doubt very much that even remaining fully "closeted" about alternative lifestyle choices is going to provide what might be considered some sort of "fool-proof" guarantee of safety. The risk cannot be eliminated. Our lives can, and occasionally do, attract attention -- and sometimes our reality scares people who do not understand. Add to that the often significant contingent of people who just DO NOT APPROVE, and it is pretty easy to begin to see "enemies" and "threats" everywhere. Any reasonable person might worry under those circumstances, and we do.

The only way to be "safe" from those who might seek to do some sort of damage if they become angry, resentful, or spiteful is to simply not live in the way that we do. If there is no perceived difference between "us" and "them," then there is no real basis for anyone to try to attack us.

So, we could pretend; pretend to be "normal;" pretend to not be who we are with each other or in the world. There's a whole other level of harm and damage to making that choice. Surely the loss of our lives together would be a huge destructive force for us. We would be damaged if we felt ourselves forced to withdraw from the community of like-minded people with whom we've connected through this and other media.

So, yes there's risk, and the potential for real harm -- and so there is a level of fear. We choose not to be driven by that. We choose to believe that the majority of people are good and decent. We choose to hope that even those who might disagree with our choices will not become overtly hostile or behave in ways that are deliberately malicious. We are conscious of the possibilities, and we try to take care not to let our "alternative" lifestyle writing and publications cross over into our "other" work and lives. It isn't perfect, but it is the balance that we strike.

Mostly, we try to be mindful but not "captured" by the worst possibilities. For us, the tag line that Master uses (Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.) is not just some pretty, clever throwaway bit. It really is the vision that is at the core of our family. We are not naive about the possibilities for trouble, but we are also not so fixated on the negative possibilities that we lose sight of the great benefits we've gained by daring to live as we believe we were meant to live.

swan

Dancin'

Friday evening, there is a major event planned as a fund-raiser / community gathering for Master's agency. It has been a full year in the planning. I have not been a major part of the planning process. I've pitched in and helped some, but avoided connecting to this business. I've passed out posters, and passed out fliers and put the community invitation information up on my "teacher" blog thinking that maybe some of my kids' parents might be interested. Beyond that, I've stayed out of it and just quietly fumed about the whole thing.

Because it is a dance. Big, whoopie-doo, dress-up dance. Complete with a band and fancy duds and kewl kids -- just like in junior high.

Makes my stomach turn. From the moment they started talking about this thing, I've been arms crossed and grumpy-faced. I have hated the whole idea of this evening, and now it is just over 48 hours away.

I don't dance. I remember dances from way back when I was just a kid in 9th grade, and it makes my head pound. I never was good at the dance thing. I was the wallflower at all my school dances. I was the too-tall, gangly, pimply-faced kid whose mother dressed her funny. I'd go to the school dances, find a wall to back myself up against and hope that the "mean girls" of the junior high universe wouldn't notice me. I always knew that my dress was wrong and my hair was wrong and my shoes were wrong. I would sit there in the corner and take the inventory of my physical short-comings and inadequacies, and know absolutely that there were good and obvious reasons that no one EVER wanted to dance with me. I'm sure, from an entirely intellectual point of view, that school dances never lasted more than a couple of hours, but in my gut it feels like they must have been at least 9 hours of absolute misery.

Now I'm 53 and not 13. I'm way past the point where the "mean girls" can actually hurt me anymore, but somewhere in my head, that kid is still there -- crunched up against the wall of the school gym, wishing the earth would open and swallow her whole. She is continually telling me, in no uncertain terms, "I do not want to go to any fucking dance!"

This dance will be different in lots of ways. I have some standing with this community -- have been around long enough for people to know me. I'll dress up and look presentable, but there will be no dancing. We can't risk that. It will be an evening of smiling and greeting and talking up the cause. I'll be there doing the good work of the agency. I'll be there as part of a team of people, each working to bring our community to a better and richer place together. I'm not the wallflower that I remember. I'm a board member, and I'm His. We don't have to dance for that to be the truth.

Maybe this won't be as awful as I (and she) have thought all along. I can find the place where I can do this evening.

swan