Warrior Slave?

One of my favorite children's books, one which I read over and over and over again to my own two children, is "Old Turtle." It is a lovely, softly colored story about a world-wide discussion of the "nature of god:"

"Long ago, an argument arose between mountains and rivers, stars and ants, lions and bears on the nature of God. A terrible cacophony of quarreling voices rang out until wise Old Turtle quelled the din, explaining that ``God is all that we dream of, and all that we seek. . .all that we come from and all that we can find.''

In the last few days, I've been reading a sort of quiet, blog-based conversation that reminds me of the Old Turtle story in some sort of sideways fashion. I'm really not sure that the connection here is very solid, but it is in my head, so humor me.

As far as I can tell, the beginning is a piece written by i999shadow on Fetlife, entitled “She/he needs me, she/he needs me not”:

On the one hand, there is the strong belief in the slave/sub that is independent, confident, in control, has it all together, can handle anything, will take care of the partner and all their stuff, and works for a living. We sometimes refer to them as the ‘warrior slave’.
On the other hand, there is the needy, ‘fallen sparrow’ slave/sub that has issues and needs someone to straighten out their stuff, put them on track, keep their issues under control, take care of them as they take care of their partner, and cannot live WELL without someone in control. We often call them ‘trainwrecks’.
...Every now and then, this little voice in the back of my head says “Well HELL…. WHY would anyone that is happy, stable, financially secure, baggage free, totally in control, competent and stable need to have a TPE– and what the hell would the dominant find to control fer chrissakes??? Outside of playtime, what would that bottom/sub/slave have to turn over– and why would any top/dom/etc. WANT them to turn it over– after all, they are handling it just fine as it is, thank-you-very-much.

Responding, or perhaps more accurately, expanding on that thought-stream, kaya wrote:

I just keep thinking that some of these seemingly innocent, or even silly, protocols or routines, things that are generally prevalent during the early stages of M/s but that tend to disappear over time are far more important than one gives them credit for...I’m reminded by His words and His tone of why I am doing it and what my place is in this relationship, which is immensely more satisfying and serves to keep this relationship from degenerating into your standard vanilla marriage...It’s very difficult to maintain the expectations and headspace of property, servant, fuckdoll, when the treatment implies friend, wife and lover...What is there to control if I’m doing it all on my own? If I no longer need direction or commands or reminders - if I’m handling it all just fine

Then, morningstar picked up the thread and continued the conversation:

i am most definitely a "warrior slave" sort...... i am capable.. self sufficient.. independent.. confident... BUT that does not mean i don't want a TPE...What does the dominant get to control.. well ME of course...how much fun is it to control someone who is weak and pitiful and extremely needy??? Isn't there some challenge to be found in the conquering the mighty??BUT...once a warrior slave has been "captured" ...then they must be reminded of their captivity. They must feel their chains.. their bonds .. otherwise ...they become restless and impatient..... and a bit angry at the world...don't submissives - even well trained.. follow the rules all the time submissives... need some validation that what they are doing they are doing for a reason...There are times that i feel like the perfect 'wife' .. i cook .. i clean.. i iron .. i take care of my "man".......... ...am i a good wife or a good slave...Maybe we warrior slaves need...to know that we are still very much the slave in this relationship

I've just been captured by the language of it all. Warrior slave vs. sparrow slave... The imagery is so compelling. Except I just can't make it work for me.

I am familiar with that warrior mode. I spent years and years and years -- nearly three decades -- as the warrior woman. Armored and armed, I faced the world with ferocious determination, knowing that it really was all up to me every single day. I went out into the world, and I kicked butt and took names. I climbed the corporate ladder over the backs of my contemporaries and compatriots, and I never ever looked back or down. I worked my way into the halls of the powerful and mighty, and I learned to play the games, and I knew that I needed to spend every moment on watch for the one who would climb over me. I lost my soul and I lost my youth and I lost my heart in all of that battling. I "won" in the terms used by those who play that game, but I still don't know what it was that I earned as the prize.

One day, after years of fighting, I put that all aside and began to search for the path that would bring me back home to my essential self. I came to understand that living life protected and armed against being touched was not living at all. Moving from "warrior" to slave was, for me a path of softening and learning to bend and believe in someone else besides myself. For me, it was not about giving up my talents, my gifts, my abilities, or may personal assets. For me, it was about putting those treasures into service in some bigger sense. I did not trade my warrior persona for a "broken" or "helpless" persona. I'll never be a sparrow.

In becoming slave; in acquiring the mantle of slave, I became more fully the woman that I was born and destined to be. I've learned and accepted the truth of who I am. I remain strong and I remain capable. I still go out into the world each day to face whatever comes to me, but I do that knowing that I am never all by myself, never completely on my own. That knowledge gives me a measure of security and safety. It is alright, now, to be soft and vulnerable.

Having said all of that, I can understand the "need" and the "desire" that comes in those times when we are, for whatever reason, left undirected and un-supervised. I've been there. I've dropped into that grumpy, pouty, angry spot in my head. It leaves space open for questions to arise, and that is disquieting. I think kaya talked about balance. How much nominal "independence" can a slave handle before feeling as if they are on a tight-wire strung above a deep chasm?

For us, it is a function of the dynamic nature of our power-based relating. The energy that we hold between us ebbs and flows. It hums and vibrates in harmony with our own personal fields. We sometimes resonate very closely with each other, and then there are times when we seem to clash and rattle like lightning bolts from cloud to cloud. That is not about "neglect" or anything so dreadful as a "reversion to vanilla loving." It is about being human in a busy and many-faceted world. We don't, either of us, stay in the same "space" from day to day. Neither does our relationship. We grow and change and cope and shine as we can and as we will.

I think, mostly, each of us does the best we can. He watches me more carefully than I sometimes give Him credit for. I self-monitor and self-maintain in ways that He sometimes doesn't notice (isn't that the idea?). For the most part we nurture a connection that remains wondrous and strong and way better than anything either of us managed to achieve in previous relationships. We are good mostly, and we are here together. We'll continue to learn and establish the boundaries and maintain the balance going forward. It is the nature of loving in real terms and real time.

swan