Fear and Risk

Jojo raised an important question in a comment left on the "I am in Love " post:

I have often wondered if you are fearful of posting pictures of yourself online. I like seeing your happy family. Yet I fear some ignorant and judgemental people will somehow identify you through this blog and use it to threaten your job. I also understand not wanting to live your life in the shadows and being afraid to express who you are. Do you ever worry about kids or parents finding your blog

Where does one begin to respond to a concern that is so deeply felt and so kindly expressed? There is plenty to say about this particular issue.

If the question is, "Are you afraid?" then the answer is, "yes." There are real risks to being "out" in any degree about a lifestyle that is outside the social norms in our society. We live there on at least two counts: polyamory and BDSM. In fact, I doubt very much that even remaining fully "closeted" about alternative lifestyle choices is going to provide what might be considered some sort of "fool-proof" guarantee of safety. The risk cannot be eliminated. Our lives can, and occasionally do, attract attention -- and sometimes our reality scares people who do not understand. Add to that the often significant contingent of people who just DO NOT APPROVE, and it is pretty easy to begin to see "enemies" and "threats" everywhere. Any reasonable person might worry under those circumstances, and we do.

The only way to be "safe" from those who might seek to do some sort of damage if they become angry, resentful, or spiteful is to simply not live in the way that we do. If there is no perceived difference between "us" and "them," then there is no real basis for anyone to try to attack us.

So, we could pretend; pretend to be "normal;" pretend to not be who we are with each other or in the world. There's a whole other level of harm and damage to making that choice. Surely the loss of our lives together would be a huge destructive force for us. We would be damaged if we felt ourselves forced to withdraw from the community of like-minded people with whom we've connected through this and other media.

So, yes there's risk, and the potential for real harm -- and so there is a level of fear. We choose not to be driven by that. We choose to believe that the majority of people are good and decent. We choose to hope that even those who might disagree with our choices will not become overtly hostile or behave in ways that are deliberately malicious. We are conscious of the possibilities, and we try to take care not to let our "alternative" lifestyle writing and publications cross over into our "other" work and lives. It isn't perfect, but it is the balance that we strike.

Mostly, we try to be mindful but not "captured" by the worst possibilities. For us, the tag line that Master uses (Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.) is not just some pretty, clever throwaway bit. It really is the vision that is at the core of our family. We are not naive about the possibilities for trouble, but we are also not so fixated on the negative possibilities that we lose sight of the great benefits we've gained by daring to live as we believe we were meant to live.

swan