Unsettled

Seven years ago, with my entire life packed into boxes and just a bit behind me in the moving van, I pulled into Cincinnati and began to live the life that, until that time, we'd all just imagined. Those beginning days and months were breathless and joyful and busy and full of the adventure of learning about one another in the way that can only be accomplished when you live together. So many patterns were laid down in those early days -- the ways that we would eventually come to be together from day to day. We learned about eating together and sleeping together and playing together and getting household chores done together. We told stories about our lives and our childhoods and our youth.

I've spent the last few days, looking back, awestruck at the distance we've come -- at how very much life we've lived together in this time. We embark on the next seven years in bodies that are older, and with a set of dreams and hopes that are different, in some significant ways, than they were seven years ago.

There is a part of me that feels a little edgy about this "anniversary" milestone. Somehow, to me, it feels more significant than the others have. Perhaps that is driven by all the medical struggles of the last few months... Somehow, the simple fact of being here, now, altogether seems like an enormous accomplishment; something to be celebrated and cherished.

We spent last night at a play party. I think I imagined that we'd perhaps share our celebration with members of the community and commemorate the milestone in their company, but it didn't turn out that way. They didn't have anyway to know, and the truth is that we are very occasional visitors in the circle that "they" all share. Whatever the reasons for that (age, distance, point of view, etc.), there was no reason at all for them to celebrate an "anniversary" with a group of folks that they don't even know.

And so, our recognition of the moment was between us; enacted in the dungeon -- in a session that revolved in some arcane fashion around sets of seven -- He whispered something about it to me as we were getting started last night. I'm not sure exactly how that worked, I was entirely focused on trying to make sure that my part in the proceedings was what was expected.

I'm a little disappointed. I've always experienced BDSM dungeons as places of enormous energy -- places where our play was enhanced and augmented by the FACT of being with others who could see it and understand it and lend it their positive goodwill. The observer -- the witnesses -- were important elements in the entire venture. They brought it life and electricity and gave it a sense of affirmation. If that was going on in the dungeon last night, I couldn't feel it. Perhaps I'm too old; or perhaps it is that we've become passe'; or maybe it really is because we don't know any of these people well; or perhaps the community ethic is more self-oriented and there is just less interest in being with each other in the way that I remember.

It makes me sad. I want something more than that from our forays into the public scene. I might be wanting what cannot be had, but I wonder... I wonder if there are other venues and other events where we might go a few times in a year and play in dungeon environments that are exciting and affirming and energizing and capable of elevating the level of our personal interaction to some other plane of awareness and connection?

We're thinking about reaching out further from home, looking to some bigger events. Maybe Floating World in August. Maybe that will be the answer to this unsettled feeling that I am experiencing.

swan

Vivian's Original Story

An expert is a person who avoids small error as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.

~Benjamin Stolberg~

More on the question/issue of Vivian at "The Disciplined Feminist," and her new book on spanking and Domestic Discipline:

First, if you are interestid in this subject, I'd recommend that you visit Sara's blog. She and I seem to share similar concerns in this instance, and she addresses it from the perspective of someone who IS living inside of a working and thriving Domestic Discipline relationship.

I wanted to share some further information on this subject with those who are interested.

A couple of days ago, I attempted to bring up the question of qualification/credibility in the comments of a blog called, A Kind Dom. This is a companion site to the Uncle Agony blog, and was one of the first places to actively "advertise" Vivian's book on spanking. I wrote (in part):

"...Reconciling strength and pride with submission/masochism or respect with dominance/sadism is at the very core of what we do when we create our intentionally unequal and deliberately imbalanced power exchanges. It is that which is difficult for someone who has never done it or felt it to understand, especially when they try to match it up to commonly accepted social norms. That is precisely why I wonder why it is that you are so enamored of this book of Vivian's. As far as I can tell from everything she's written at her blog, she has never actually managed to create the dynamic of which she speaks. She is precisely that mostly vanilla "expert" trying to make intellectual sense of what it is that she sees of this dynamic, but writing without any (or much) actual personal knowledge."



To which, Vivian responded as follows:

"...I wanted to take a moment to respond to swan's comment, if I may do so. Since The Disciplined Feminist is framed in the context of my current (and particularly challenging) relationship, I tend to focus on that relationship exclusively as a "hothouse" for discussing some of the more abstract and thorny issues surrounding DD(plus, it makes for good drama...!). As a result, it seems that swan has made the erroneous assumption that my experience with DD and spanking is limited to my current (and definitely challenging!) relationship. I have over 23 years of experience in spanking and domestic discipline, starting when I was 19 and got up the nerve to (successfully, if rather awkwardly) ask my first real boyfriend to spank me. Every relationship I've had since then has included spanking and/or domestic discipline, at all ages and life stages and with partners also at all ages and life stages. In each case, I've learned a great deal about how to approach a partner about bringing spanking and/or DD into a relationship (which is the focus of “How to Get the Spanking You Want”) and in each case, have done so successfully. In addition, I've spent the past decade in my "real life" doing professional-level academic and psychological research into male/female gender roles and archetypes, focusing specifically on issues of power and submission, This research has resulted in my serving, both my “real life” self and as Vivian, as a consultant on numerous projects over the past decade, including doctoral theses, journal articles, popular publications, documentaries and narrative films for mainstream Hollywood studios. And of course, exploring these issues on the blog for the past three years (in the context of a particularly intense and challenging relationship due to factors largely external to the DD itself) has helped to focus my explorations enormously. I do hope this clarifies any issues with regard to the background against which this advice is offered.And thank you, Pygar, for supporting what I believe is a much-needed and worthwhile resource for our community. Warmest,Viv"



Now, I think that is a rather remarkable personal "resume," especially in contrast to this very first piece that Vivial wrote and posted at The Disciplined Feminist, in December of 2006:
"Domestic Discipline (DD) is not the same as domestic violence. DD -- true DD -- is not abusive. I know. Because I have lived both. I married my first boyfriend when I was 19. Early in our dating life, clumsily and full of shame, I confessed to him my need for domestic discipline, a need I'd been aware of since I was a small child. Back then, before the internet, I wasn't aware of the actual concept of DD, so the best I could do was to articulate a need to be spanked and generally be sexually dominated. Later that night, while we were having sex, he hit me -- square in the face, hard enough to cause a momentary loss of consciousness. I can still remember what that moment felt like, and the conflicting emotions it brought up for me. The shock, the anger, the pain. And then the confusion -- after all, hadn't I asked for this? Wasn't he giving me just what I had confessed to him that I wanted? No, of course not. Anyone who has practiced genuine DD for even a short time knows that there is no simliarity at all between the consentual, loving and respectful application of discipline and the brutal randomness and cruelty of domestic violence. I know because I have lived both. I should have cut off my relationship with my husband-to-be right immediately after he hit me. At the very least, I should have pointed out -- assertively -- that being hit in the face was NOT what I was asking for. But I said nothing. The reason I said nothing, looking back, was because although I knew that kind of abuse wasn't what I wanted, I was so ashamed of what I DID want that I lacked the courage to clarify or stand up for myself. I was only 19 after all, and back then, I figured I must be such a terrible person for wanting a relationship in which I was physically disciplined that I deserved whatever I got in exchange. So I told myself that I was grateful and fortunate to have man who would so eagerly give me "what I wanted." I also believed, in my ignorance and naivete, that submitting to domestic discipline meant submitting to whatever the man in the relationship wanted to do to me, whether I agreed with it or not. In a DD relationship, a woman consents to being disciplined and the limits to that discipline are safe, sane and mutually-agreed upon. In true LDD, a woman would never be afraid of articulating her needs and experiences to her partner. But I didn't know any of that. And so I married this man who hit me so hard I blacked out. I'll never know for sure whether the violent, abusive behavior that followed was something that would have happened anyway, or something that he allowed himself to inflict on me without restrain because he believed I'd "asked" for it. Regardless...I know what it's like to be beaten with a wire coat hanger until blood runs down my back. I know what it's like to be thrown down a flight of stairs. I know what it's like to locked out of the house, naked, on a freezing winter night, crouching in the bushes, crying and pleading to be let back in before the neighbors saw me. I know what it's like to wear long-sleeved shirts and high collars to cover cuts and bruises. I know what it's like to have the police arrive at the door and telling them that "everything's fine. I know what it's like to have my friends and family tell me I'm so lucky to have "such a great husband," because he puts on his most charming, gallant face when he's around others. I know what it's like to lock him out of the house and watch him take two hours to take the door off the hinges with his car keys, knowing the pain and terror that await when he finally gets back inside. I know what it's like to want to leave, and to be told that I am worthless and that "no one else will ever love you." I know what it's like to try to leave and to arrive at the motel only to find my credit cards have all been reported as "stolen." I know what it's like to have my beautiful, innocent cats murdered in a fit of revenge for my trying to leave him. And I know what it's like to finally leave, to finally say, this is enough and I deserve better. I know because I lived through it Not once, but twice, because the man who "rescued" me from my abusive husband turned out to be abusive as well. So when I say that DD is not domestic violence, I am not theorizing, quoting from a book or engaging in denial and wishful thinking. I say DD is not domestic violence because I have lived both and know from experience that they are not the same thing in any way. When I am beaten by an abusive man, and collapse weeping, terrified, in a corner, afraid for my life, that's abuse. When I submit, willingly, to a firm, but fair spanking by a man I love and trust, because we have mutually agreed that this is the consequence for a behavior we both agree is hurtful to me, him or others, this is Loving Domestic Discipline. When an abusive man stands over me, bleeding and terrified in a corner, and tells me that I'm worthless, that's abuse. When I rise from my discipline feeling more empowered, safe, free and whole than I was before I received it, and step into the loving, forgiving arms of a man whom I know would never betray my trust, that's Loving Domestic Discipline. But the sad truth is that, like any relationship, a DD relationship can turn abusive. I say "turn" rather than "be" because once a relationship becomes abusive, it is definitionally not DD. One of the reasons for this blog is that I see a disturbing trend on the more popular DD blogs and forums toward encouraging abusive behavior towards women in the name of DD. This is frightening to me, and also sad, because it's not at all what DD is meant to be, and I'm concerned that the misuse and misunderstanding of DD will scare away women who would otherwise find fulfillment in this type of relationship.The man I am with now has taken heroic actions protect women whom he knew were being abused. None of the things I list about would be in any way acceptable to him. The man I'm with now actively works to help strengthen organizations that protect abused women and children from violent men. The man I'm with now is a big part of why I now understand that no woman deserves to be beaten or humiliated. And the man I'm with now practices DD with me only after many, many (many!) hours of discussion in which he gently, patiently, respectfully helped me to articulate my needs and wishes in this area. Any woman can find herself in an abusive relationship. But making a DD relationship work requires both parties to possess a great deal of self-confidence and self-respect. The first time my current partner and I tried it, I wasn't strong enough, healed enough, or empowered enough to handle it -- and it failed miserably. Early in my current relationship, I was still too fearful and traumatized from my past abusive relationships to separate the two things in my head. My partner would try to do what I asked for -- he'd try to discipline me -- and I'd freak out. My emotions were all over the map -- fear, anger, "righteous" indignation. He'd spank me and I'd terrified and sobbing, pleading for him to stop, that I didn't really want it after all and it was a mistake. Or more often than not, I'd talk my way out of the spanking because I was too afraid to take it. Fortunately, my partner was perceptive enough to recognize the difference between the sobs and cries of remorse that come with a true disciplinary experience from the terror of a woman not ready for that type of experience. Being a healthy, non-abusive man, he stopped what he was doing immediately - another thing that an abuser would never do.We both realized our relationship wasn't mature enough yet for DD, and so we put it on hold while we worked on the basics of love, trust and respect. This is probably the biggest difference between DD and abuse: LDD is a choice made out of love, trust and mutual respect, whereas abuse flourishes ONLY in the absence of love, trust and respect. I wasn't yet healthy enough to enter into that kind of emotionally mature, intimate relationship with another human being. It took years -- five of them, to be exact -- of personal growth work, of learning to validate myself as a worthwhile human being, of healing past traumas and of getting the abusive ghosts of my abusers out of my head before we could try again. And I've learned along the way that the stronger I get, the more "whole" I become. the more rewarding our DD relationship becomes. This is another crucial difference between abuse and DD -- abuse only "works" on a woman who is so beaten down and lacking in self-respect that she doesn't believe she deserves better. If a woman is in what she believes to be an DD relationship, and feels during her discipline that she is being punished for being worthless, inferior or inadequate, this is not DD. This is abuse. And the longer an abusive relationship continues, the fewer options a woman has for empowering herself enough to escape. DD, on the other hand, isn't possible unless both parties come to the relationship reasonably healthy and emotionally sound. A woman in a true LDD relationship experiences her discipline as just, healthy and healing. And, at least for me, the more my partner and I practice DD, the more empowered I feel, both in and out of the relationship, and the stronger and more capable I become, thus giving me many more options in life than I had before. "


A lifetime of experience establishing successful spanking relationships? Really? Judge for yourselves, but I'd suggest that when someone proposes to write a "How To" book, they ought to KNOW something about "how to."



swan

Calling "Fraud"

OK.

I have a history for this particular move.


Once, a very long time ago, when I was still a very new blogger, I called out the "queen bee" of the blogging universe because there was simply no earthly way that my rational mind could accept that what she wrote on her blog day after day, and presented as reality, could be possibly happening in any kind of real world relationship. It was a ball-sy sort of stand for someone who had barely dipped toes into the universe of writing in this forum, but it was what I believed at the time, and I was driven to say what seemed true.

It didn't earn me any points, and she came after me with a vengeance, but my call turned out to be accurate in the end. For me it was an important lesson. It was critical for me, as I began to reach out into this cyber community, to understand that not everyone tells the whole truth all the time, and not everyone is what they claim to be. If a blogger develops a devoted following, it is pretty easy for the ego to expand beyond what is actually reasonable. The distance and relative anonymity that gives many of us license to write here can encourage some to fabricate and exaggerate. Arrogance can masquerade as expertise and there is not a darn thing we can do about it. I've seen it happen and written about it on other occasions, too: here and here. But we do not have to endorse it when people mislead others by intention or otherwise, and we do not have to stand silent while it happens.

Fraud. That is (in my view) what is being perpetrated by a writer in our circle. Because, in the last couple of weeks, Vivian, who writes at The Disciplined Feminist has published an e-book entitled "How to Get the Spanking You Want." She has been touting this new endeavor, of course, as have some others around the circle, and that is fine. People can surely support her in this effort as seems appropriate to them.

However, I've been following Vivian since she first appeared on the scene (brand new to the very limited practice of Domestic Discipline) in December of 2006. She is, undoubtedly, a bright and talented writer. The pieces that she puts up every so often are well written and thought provoking, but they have been few and far between. In fact, in the just about 30 months that Vivian has been sharing her thoughts on her blog, she's written 37 posts. Much of what she writes concerns the paradox that she perceives between her feminist philosophies and her orientation to spanking. Woven in between is the painful accounting of the largely unsuccessful attempts of she and her partner to establish what she calls a "traditional DD relationship." Comments to "The Disciplined Feminist" are strictly moderated, so Vivian has little need to engage in dialog with most of the rest of our community.

Now, she is pushing a book which is almost certainly based solely on her imaginings of how things must be. There is, if one can believe what she's written on her blog, little or no solid experience to back the words. Master attempted to engage her in discussion of this through her comments, but there is that matter of "comment moderation..."

I imagine she'll draw from a certain following, and some without much knowledge will be taken in by the sham of this new publication. There is a real hunger for information about our lifestyle and orientation from those who are new and seeking, and that is an easy market for a book titled as hers is. How is someone newly exploring their own spanking orientation supposed to know who can be trusted to provide credible information and guidance? Vivian is not the first, and she surely won't be the last to seek to cash in on those who are desperate for guidance and information about our kind of erotic orientation. It still isn't right. If you don't know beyond a few fancy sounding theories: if you don't have the expertise and actual experience; then playing yourself off as some sort of guru is a cheat and a fraud.

I doubt that my opinion will make any difference at all to Vivian or to those who are backing her book venture, but I won't endorse this endeavor by my silence.

swan

Unmoderated Comments

"Man is least in himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."

~~Oscar Wilde~~

We have, from the very earliest days of our foray into blogging at The Swan's Heart, had a more or less continual string of comments made by some unknown numbers of "anonymous" writers. Our anonymous commenters have not been as ubiquitous as on some other sites, and there are periods of time when we are not visited at all by the faceless ones. They always come back around, however.

The most predictable and unchanging thing about people who leave anonymous comments is that they don't ever stop by to tell us how much they appreciate our writing; they don't ever offer encouragement; they never ask any question that is driven purely by straightforward curiosity and a desire to know and understand more deeply; they never seem to want to engage as one human to another.

With a notable lack of originality, our anonymous commenter(s) seem to keep beating the same argumentative drum. Imagine the snotty, mean-spirited voice that I hear in my mind whenever I read this kind of message left in comments here:

you are all ... sick, perverse, crazy, wrong, bad, immoral, delusional, stupid, foolhardy, sinful, damned to hell, scary, liars, ...

On and on it goes, and there never is any indication of what it is that drives such anger and bitterness. The truth is that we've never done anything to the anonymous denizens of the cybersphere. We don't go out into the byways of cyberspace and DRAG people in here, and we surely don't preach or politic to try and impose our lifestyle choices on those who would prefer to run their lives on some other model. The anonymous ones come here of their own accord, by their own volitional choice, and they stay long enough to read and poke at the comment option and write their vitriol and navigate the intricacies of the captcha beastie -- all to leave some bit of nastiness to bemuse us. How very odd!

I have come to believe that the anonymous ones betray the truth of their own lives. It is their own frustration and bitterness that makes it so impossible for them to tolerate the choices we have made to "live the life we've imagined." To someone who feels trapped in a relationship that is lifeless, loveless, hopeless seeing people live as we do must be terribly painful. For someone who lacks the courage to reach out and grasp the dreams they are afraid to acknowledge, our very existence must feel like a slap. Their anger is about desolation and despair and depression and doubt. The darkness within which they dwell is palpable in the words they leave scattered here.

How pitiable these poor faceless grumblers seem. I wonder if ranting here, every now and then, gives them some sort of peace. If so, it is reason enough to keep the comments here unmoderated.

swan

It Had to Start Somewhere

Here's an article about the incipient movement to push for equal marriage rights for multi-partnered relationships, specifically "triads." Although I'd take issue with some of the, to my mind, narrow definitions that are layed on the term, especially be Sasha Lessin and Janet Kira Lessin, I am still pleased to see that this issue is being discussed.

swan


From "THREESOME MARRIAGES" by Abby Ellin:

The Daily Beast

First came traditional marriage. Then, gay marriage. Now, there's a movement combining both—simultaneously. Abby Ellin visits the next frontier of nuptials: the "triad."
Less than 18 months ago, Sasha Lessin and Janet Kira Lessin gathered before their friends near their home in Maui, and proclaimed their love for one another. Nothing unusual about that—Sasha, 68, and Janet, 55—were legally married in 2000. Rather, this public commitment ceremony was designed to also bind them to Shivaya, their new 60-something "husband." Says Sasha: “I want to walk down the street hand in hand in hand in hand and live together openly and proclaim our relationship. But also to have all those survivor and visitation rights and tax breaks and everything like that.”
Maine this week became the fifth state, and the fourth in New England, to legalize gay marriage, provoking yet another national debate about same-sex unions. The Lessins' advocacy group, the Maui-based World Polyamory Association, is pushing for the next frontier of less-traditional codified relationships. This community has even come up with a name for what the rest of the world generally would call a committed threesome: the "triad."
Unlike open marriages and the swinger days of the 1960s and 1970s, these unions are not about sex with multiple outside partners. Nor are they relationships where one person is involved with two others, who are not involved with each other, a la actress Tilda Swinton. That's closer to bigamy. Instead, triads—"triangular triads," to use precise polyamorous jargon—demand that all three parties have full relationships, including sexual, with each other. In the Lessins case, that can be varying pairs but, as Sasha, a psychologist, puts it, "Janet loves it when she gets a double decker." In a triad, there would be no doubt in Elizabeth Edwards’ mind whether her husband fathered a baby out of wedlock; she likely would have participated in it.
There are no statistics or studies out there, but according to Robyn Trask, the executive director of Loving More, a nonprofit organization in Loveland (yes, really), Colorado, dedicated to poly-education and support, about 25 percent of the estimated 50,000 self-identified polyamorists in the U.S. live together in semi-wedded bliss. A disproportionate number of them are baby boomers.
As with a couple, the key to making a triad work is communication. The Lessins' group specifically advocates something called "compersion": taking joy in another person's joy. Thus, they know how to process jealousy. “We don’t have anything take place off-stage,” says Sasha Lessin. “You witness your lover making googly eyes and you share your feelings. It’s not difficult for most people to be compersive once they feel they’re not being abandoned.”
Like most people in the poly community, the Lessins, who also helm the school of tantra (they take pleasure of the flesh quite seriously), take great pains to discuss pretty much everything. Some people even write up their agreements like a traditional prenup, detailing everything from communal economics to cohabitation rules. And buoyed by an increasing acceptance of same-sex unions, others want more legal protections. "We should have every right to inherit from each other and visit each other—I don’t care what you call it, we’re not second-class citizens!” says Janet Lessin. “Any people who wish to form a marriage with all the rights and duties of a marriage should have the legal right to. The spurious arguments of marriage being for procreation of children is ridiculous.”
That said, Valerie White, executive director of the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund, a legal-defense fund for people with alternative sexual expression in Sharon, Massachusetts, says she believes that triads are actually a great way to raise a family. "Years ago, children didn’t get raised in dyads, they got raised with grandparents and aunts and uncles—it was much looser and more village-like," says White. "I think a lot more people are finding that polyamory is a way to recapture that kind of support.” For a year, Loving More's Trask and her then-husband were both involved with another woman, who was a part of the family. Trask's three children knew all about it. “I’m totally out,” says Trask.
Many others aren't. Larry, Rachel and Andie would only talk to me anonymously, due to the fact that Rachel, 47, works at large, traditional financial institution in Manhattan. Larry, 56, met her on a commuter ferry two years ago. At the time, Larry was a member of Poly-NYC, a polyamory group in New York; on their first date, he told her about it. Rachel had just gotten out of a year-and-a-half-long relationship with, unbeknownst to her, a married man. “I was so overwhelmed with Larry’s honesty," she says, "I said to him, ‘I need to look that up and understand it.'"
A few months later, they met Andie, 56 at a poly retreat in upstate New York. Andie has been has practiced "multi-partnering" since the early '90s, and was giving a talk on the subject. Rachel turned to Larry and said ‘Wow, that’s someone I would turn poly for!’ “She was so elegant and classy. I just felt she was a beautiful person.”
While Larry, on the other hand, was not especially attracted to Andie, he was fully supportive of Rachel exploring her attraction. She didn’t, but ran into Andie at a few other events. Andie, in turn, began noticing the quality of the relationship between Larry and Rachel. “They didn’t just go to those meetings and do what happens to other poly partners, that they disappear from each other,” she says. “They stayed together.”
Three months ago, they reconnected at yet another retreat, and this time the three bonded on an emotional level. So they decided to figure out how to make a three-way relationship work. This involves weekly conference calls where they discuss the tenets of the relationship (honestly, respect, communication, jealousy) and agree to undergo blood tests for STDs. They talk about what they want out of life, and each other. “There are people who’ve been married 20 years and never had these kinds of conversation,” says Andie. “I feel blessed.”
Akien MacIain and his wife, Dawn Davidson, have been counseling dyads, triads, quads and once even a quint, in San Francisco for over a decade. On their Web site, they offer tips for creating agreements—among them, “Use Time Limited Agreements Where Needed” (i.e., two weeks, two months, and so on) and “Check in Periodically; Renegotiate if Needed.”
“A triad is a series of dyads, but it’s more complicated because if I’m in a relationship with one other person, there’s my relationship with the other person, her relationship with me, and the relationship that each of us has to the couple,” says MacIain. “When you make it a triad there are four factorial connections. It’s very hard.”
And yet some make it work. Doug Carr, Robert Hill, and Paul Wilson have been a happy threesome for 29 years. The three men, who live outside Austin, Texas, share a bed, a checking account, and joint real-estate properties in each of their names—“a left-handed form of cementing the relationship in a legal context,” says Hill, 69, a retired financier (because of their arrangement, they, too, requested I use pseudonyms). Their ranch is split three ways; they call themselves “husbands” and wear matching wedding bands. Back in 1980, when they met at a furniture store in Dallas, Hill and Wilson were a confirmed dyad for 10 years. Carr, now an assistant dean at a local college, fell for both of them; they developed a friendship, which soon turned to love.
Wilson, 61, a consulting engineer for the health-care community, admits that initially he was less gung ho. “I thought, how is this going to turn out? You can’t read an article in Readers Digest, ‘Twelve Ways to make a Triad Work.’" He finally saw the light on a trip to Vienna the three men took. “I decided to go for it. I turned to them and said, ‘I love you,’ and I love you,’ and let’s make it work.”
They held a commitment ceremony in 1984 for 20 friends, and then a reception for 200 in their house, where we “introduced ourselves to the world as a triad,” says Carr, 49. They would like to marry legally, though they are not holding their breath that it will happen any time soon.
“As far as we’re concerned, in the eyes of God we’re already married—and from an economic standpoint, we’ve taken that as far as we can, ” says Hill.
Despite the fact that they are also “Dad, Daddy and Pappa” to the 4-year-old quadruplets Carr sired with a lesbian couple, they actually see themselves as quite traditional. “We’ve patterned our relationship on the relationships of our parents,” says Hill. “So many gay people throw away all the values they learned at home. Some are worth throwing away, but a lot are not."
“The crux of all this,” he says, "is commitment.”

Seven Years

Master and I mark the fact that we have been together (live and in person) for seven years this summer. We don't have an "anniversary" exactly... There are two dates that we recognize as significant in our early coming together. The first is June 6, the date when I arrived here from Colorado to live. I'd left my classroom in Colorado on the very last day of school, and driven straight-through, arriving here in Cincinnati in just over 21 hours. The other date that we note each year, as it passes, is July 27 -- the date when He cut His initials into my left shoulder blade, marking me as His. Still, we do note that the years go round and that the time accumulates.

I used to always give Him BDSM-related gifts for these occasions... notably, I gave Him the singletail whip one year, and there was a very early Christmas when I purchased the stocks as a gift for Him. But then, somewhere along the way, I quit giving Him "scene-related" gifts, and began to find gifts that were way more "vanilla." I'm not sure why. I think the shift really started in the months and years following my hysterectomy -- when I battled depression, sexual dysfunction, and a deep and growling anger with Him. Easier, in those days, to not venture into the emotional minefield of inviting more intense play. I'm not sure that I actually articulated that thought pattern, but I do think it was there and at play.

But that long time of struggling seems to be behind me finally. I feel more alive and more in tune with my own sexual self. I find that, more and more, I am drawn to the kind of SM play we once shared so joyfully and with such abandon. Too, as He has lost significant weight in these weeks after His bariatric surgery, the physical experience of sex has improved dramatically. I keep telling Him that I think our surgeon guy should really have been named Dr. Longerdick :-)

So, this year, as the anniversary season approached again, I found myself contemplating what sort of gift to give Him. I wanted to find something that would speak to Him of how very much I love Him, how much I value our relationship dynamic, how lucky and grateful I feel to be His, and for all the years we've shared. I wanted something that would be a clear symbol of all we've shared to this point, and stand for all the years I hope will be ours in the future.

So, I went shopping for a really fine, really nice, really interesting paddle -- because He really likes paddles. I found this one at JT's Stockroom, and I was enchanted at the sheer loveliness of the craftsmanship. So, I went to order it and get it on its way to us. Then, just on a whim, I went to cruise their website to see if there might be any other interesting pieces that might be good to look at too, and that is when I discovered the most amazing and unique BDSM implement I've ever, ever seen. This uniquely styled, beautifully crafted cane was just almost irresistable. It is made from layers of bloodwood and wenge wood. We sure as heck, haven't got anything else in the toy collection that comes even close!

They arrived yesterday, and I gave them to Him this morning -- very early. He is enchanted, as I knew He would be, and so I expect there will be lots and lots of spanking this weekend. We already had a pretty good session late in the afternoon today when I got home from school. Both implements are entirely satisfactory. There'll be plenty more play in the days and weeks to come I imagine.

swan

Respect and Trust

There is a set of assumptions that many in the lifestyle make about how Dominants come to be "respected," and about whether it is possible/advisable to "trust" a Dominant who has somehow LOST our respect (as if it were a wayward sock). It is a thought construct that sets me off everytime I encounter it.

I see this from a (perhaps) different perspective. I think the notions of "respect" and "trust" are used far too casually within our community, and then the words are hurled around as a tool or weapon to make a point or support a position.

Some descriptions of the ways that I think these words are most aptly used:

I believe that "respect" is rightly founded on a deep awareness and appreciation of the character of a person. Being Dominant is probably a personality trait, but being a decent human being doesn't have to be. I know a lot of people, but my respect is given to very few. I reserve my respect for people who demonstrate that they are high quality. A person of character will be honest, responsible, considerate, fair, persistent, courageous, patient, self-disciplined, confident, and compassionate. None of those qualities will necessarily confer anything approaching perfection or infallibility, but they will generally result in a temperament that is steady, sure, and dependable. To tag onto a point made by my good friend, morningstar, the way to determine whether a Dominant is worthy of respect is to spend enough time to actually come to know them well.

The concept of "trust" in relationships is often misunderstood, and so the word is misused. Trust is not a commodity to be given or taken away based on how we feel in the moment, nor is it some fragile bauble that may easily be broken.

If we are both mature and wise, we may decide to trust or not to trust in very much the same way as we choose to invest our financial capital -- or not. When I make a financial investment, I do that after careful consideration. By the time I put my hard-earned dollars into an investment option, I've studied carefully, researched the alternatives, considered what level of risk I am willing to tolerate, and made a judgement about the suitability of the particular investment vehicle. Once I've decided, I'm committed. I understand that, while my investment may have ups and downs, it is seldom profitable to put my dollars in and take them out based on short term market volatility.

In the same way, when I choose to place my trust in a certain individual, it is precisely because I have done the work that allows me to know the person to whom I am making that committment. If I expect the relationship to grow and remain healthy for the long term, and if I am mature and wise, I continue to make the choice to trust regardless of the day to day ups and downs of the relationship. Assuming that I chose wisely in the beginning, that trust becomes the warp and woof of the relational tapestry; and if it is carefully and consistently done, the relationship will thrive even though the poor, flawed humans inside of it are, by definition, less than perfect.

So, to the question... The Dominant partner is worthy of respect because of the quality of their character. They may exhibit normal human weaknesses, and occasionally (or even regularly) fall short of perfect, and they remain worthy of respect. There is no way for such a person to "lose our respect" assuming their character remains intact. Engaging in relationship with such a person will require us to make the investment of our trust faithfully and steadily and diligently even when our emotions and fears and whims and wishes might tell us to do otherwise.

swan