"Man is least in himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."
~~Oscar Wilde~~
We have, from the very earliest days of our foray into blogging at The Swan's Heart, had a more or less continual string of comments made by some unknown numbers of "anonymous" writers. Our anonymous commenters have not been as ubiquitous as on some other sites, and there are periods of time when we are not visited at all by the faceless ones. They always come back around, however.
The most predictable and unchanging thing about people who leave anonymous comments is that they don't ever stop by to tell us how much they appreciate our writing; they don't ever offer encouragement; they never ask any question that is driven purely by straightforward curiosity and a desire to know and understand more deeply; they never seem to want to engage as one human to another. With a notable lack of originality, our anonymous commenter(s) seem to keep beating the same argumentative drum. Imagine the snotty, mean-spirited voice that I hear in my mind whenever I read this kind of message left in comments here:
you are all ... sick, perverse, crazy, wrong, bad, immoral, delusional, stupid, foolhardy, sinful, damned to hell, scary, liars, ...
On and on it goes, and there never is any indication of what it is that drives such anger and bitterness. The truth is that we've never done anything to the anonymous denizens of the cybersphere. We don't go out into the byways of cyberspace and DRAG people in here, and we surely don't preach or politic to try and impose our lifestyle choices on those who would prefer to run their lives on some other model. The anonymous ones come here of their own accord, by their own volitional choice, and they stay long enough to read and poke at the comment option and write their vitriol and navigate the intricacies of the captcha beastie -- all to leave some bit of nastiness to bemuse us. How very odd!
I have come to believe that the anonymous ones betray the truth of their own lives. It is their own frustration and bitterness that makes it so impossible for them to tolerate the choices we have made to "live the life we've imagined." To someone who feels trapped in a relationship that is lifeless, loveless, hopeless seeing people live as we do must be terribly painful. For someone who lacks the courage to reach out and grasp the dreams they are afraid to acknowledge, our very existence must feel like a slap. Their anger is about desolation and despair and depression and doubt. The darkness within which they dwell is palpable in the words they leave scattered here.
How pitiable these poor faceless grumblers seem. I wonder if ranting here, every now and then, gives them some sort of peace. If so, it is reason enough to keep the comments here unmoderated.
swan
"I wonder if ranting here, every now and then, gives them some sort of peace. If so, it is reason enough to keep the comments here unmoderated."
ReplyDeleteLOL! How kind of you to be considerate of the intolerant.
I *have* had "Anonymous" leave me nice comments. But it's rare. It's usually the other way around.
ReplyDeleteI generally give as much value and interest to their comments as they did in picking out their name. :)
Ignorance and hate hide behind anon because they do not want to step up to explain why they were searching this type of thing or explain and debate their beliefs. Attack and run is often their style, and the anon label allows it. I'm saddened by it because they harm both the bloggers I enjoy, and the timid early explorers like I was once. When I first found this world of information, I was astounded - and a little spooked. I began as a lurker, advanced to an anon, and now to my very own pseudoname! I think I even commented here as an anon before I got brave, although I felt a bit nervous because you seemed to dislike anons so. I kind of hoped then that you would see weren't all bad, just timid. Indeed, it was the support, advice, encouragement, and information I've found on the blogs that has let me explore this side of myself resulting in the confidence to participate more fully. I think you do a real service to the novice by not shutting them out if that helps any when the crazies come by to pester you.
ReplyDeleteThat's so sad. I mean, if you don't approve or understand or like what you read, move on! There's no need for a nasty attack. My husband the atheist would probably add that religion is the motivation for the attacks.
ReplyDeleteI don't get many anonymous comments, and usually the person will sign a name at the end, so it's simply a matter of their not having a Google logon.
Sidebar: we have a term for disguising data about people so that there is no way to trace the facts (issuing a driver's licence to people under 21, say) from the personal info (SIN number, name, address). We call it pseudonymizing. The word was pronounced "sodomizing" by someone at a recent meeting - much LOLing for the next 5 minutes. Now it's called anonymizing.
Hugs,
Hermione
Chessa -- I hadn't contemplated that I was "being considerate of the intolerant." I actually hope to never give the intolerant that kind of space or energy. I do however need, for my own well-being, to find a way to encompass the kind of nastiness that spews from some of these people without taking the "hit" personally. Understanding the brokeness of this kind of hatred helps me.
ReplyDeleteAmber -- We share that sense that "anonymous" commenters aren't generally offering anything that is worth much...
Impish -- I am glad that you have been through the progression from lurker through anonymity to a "named" presence. Many people choose to use a pseudonym in these fora, and that is understandable. Even with that "handle" though, it is possible to know who you are as distinguished from the great mass of others. Using a pseudonym can make very good sense in terms of protecting your own privacy, and is very different than hiding behind that "anonymous" tag.
I do hope that my long-standing disdain for the anonymous attackers didn't offer you too much discouragement in your early days. Everyone is new at some point, and we've never meant to discourage the explorers among our readership. On the other hand, I always work from the assumption that my readers are adults who do not need to be coddled or protected, so I am not a subscriber to the "poor, fragile newbie" notions that sometimes circulate in our circles.
Hermione -- I'd agree with your husband that there is likely religious belief as the motivation behind some of the mean-spirited commenting that periodically appears here and elsewhere. I still don't understand it, though. It isn't easy to find our blog -- I know, I've tried it. You have to be hunting for the sort of information that we write about. Even if you bump into us by accident, the business of reading our stuff AND then leaving a comment is not simple or straightforward. Why invest the energy if you are hating every bit of what you read? The only explanation that I can figure out is that these people are driven by hatred and bitterness -- and interensting set of characteristics for "religious" people don't you think?
swan
Ok as the Anonymous i never called you sick perverse, crazy wrong bad, or immoral, delusional, etc, i was actually presenting my experience with poly. There is no frustration or bitterness, just my reality. You do realize there is another side of this issue, not filled with a select people kissing your ass. Sometimes it doesnt work and people are greatly hurt. You are very very lucky, but by all means not the norm. Not bitter, just real. Mr Smith i am not.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I agree. Polyamory is difficult and fails more often than it succeeds. People who attempt it get hurt. If you look back at a lot of swan's writings in her Polyamory Obervations series, you will see her frequently pointing that out, and her frequent warning, "This Way There Be Dragons."
ReplyDeleteSo all that being said, monogamous marriages fail more often than they succeed. Those who embark on them are frequently deeply hurt with wounds that they sometimes never fully resolve. I have had that experience. So following your logic then, do you go on Blogs of those who have traditional marriages as an anonymous commnter and tell them that monogamous marriage will never work? If not, what is it that causes you to think it is sensible to do that in the fora of poly families? And why for that matter are you unwilling to identify yourself with even a cyber psuedonym? Should we assume it is some sort of conflict avoidance (no, that doesn't fit) or could it be simple cowardice, hoping that being masked and less accountable, you can try to be more intimidating.
I am sorry you have been hurt in your life and love. I understand how painful that can be. I really do appreciate how fortunate we are because of that, and it is precisely that evil past experience that has led me to be in the relationship I am in today and to work so very hard at it.
I'd still like to know why you feel the potential for pain in poly loving causes you to assert its infeasibility, and whether you are equally aggressive in communicating that stance to those with monogamous relationships?
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
Dear Heron Clan:
ReplyDeleteI'm one of your lurkers, and, for once, I wanted to leave you a "happy" anonymous comment. While I don't share your orientation, I'm curious, and I have always found this blog to be a very good and well written resource to satisfy that curiosity. This has led to me regularly checking the blog to keep reading. I'm sorry that you get hate mail from people. I think that that is very wrong, but I suppose that people who live differently (even when they aren't hurting anyone else) are always going to face difficulties. I find that the philosophies that you express so articulately really can help educate the people who truly just want to try to understand-without having to ask lots of really intrusive questions.
Dear "Friendly and Curious" Anonymous Lurker -- Thank you for taking the time to "break the pattern" in anonymous comments here. I suppose I will not be able to maintain that "all" anonymous comments are mean-spirited in the future.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you find what we share here to be helpful and informative. I've always believed that we educate one to one, and that it is much harder to "hate" when you know the people. You are proof of that, and I appreciate you sharing your perspective.
Please do feel welcome to share here as you are drawn to do so, and if you can think of a way to keep us aware of which anonymous commenter you are, that will give us a sense of growing relationship with you.
swan
I can always just start signing my "anonymous" posts as "Friendly and curious"
ReplyDeleteGood day !.
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