And So the Year is Ending

When I first opened my eyes this morning, it was to realize that today would likely be just like yesterday and the day before and the day before.  There was that gentle sort of distant politeness between us.  He hadn't slept much, and the sleep that I had was hectic and disturbed by painful and frightening images playing over and over from the last blowup between us. 

I knew that He'd written a post last night.  He hadn't said a word to me about the contents of that post, and I'd been too afraid to look.  This morning, with my stomach in knots, I sat down to look.  What He'd written was so raw, and so painful, and so far from my own experiences of the same events.  I felt despair.  How could we ever hope to bridge the enormous gap that seemed to loom between us?  It felt as if there was nothing at all that we shared -- no common ground. 

I made breakfast.  I tried to eat something.  I ironed some of His trousers that we just recovered from the back of the closet, and I organized His closet to accommodate easier dressing next week when I go back to work.  I made a shopping list -- He wanted some eggnog, and I'd found a recipe that I wanted to try.  Too, I wanted to get the makings for a simple cheese fondue for our dinner this evening.  I needed to pick up some of His dry cleaning, and I needed to drop off the last bag of "too big" clothes at the local Goodwill donation center.  I gave Him my itinerary, made sure He had what He might want or need while I was gone, and got His permission to go. 

I was gone for about 45 minutes.  When I got back, He seemed actually glad to see me, and He gave me a hug.  A real hug!  He held me close and caressed me as if He was somehow reminding Himself of a long forgotten memory.  And then, He asked me if He should spank me before or after we had lunch... 

Just like that.  I didn't know what had happened, what had changed.  I gasped.  I worked not to dissolve into tears.  I was so hungry...  Shaky and desperate to eat.  I think I somehow sobbed, "please, after lunch -- I really need to eat, Sir?"  and so the die was cast. 

I made the lunch.  He had some soup and some summer sausage and cheese.  I had a grilled cheese sandwich. 

I made the eggnog, and gave Him a cup.  He liked it well enough, although He didn't think it tasted very much like eggnog.  I'm not really sure how eggnog is supposed to taste.  Seems like I'll need a new recipe.  It did make Him sleepy, so we cuddled (yes, cuddled) up on the couch so He could nap a bit.  It felt so good to just snuggle together. 

When I woke up, He'd been up and collected some paddles and spanking implements.  He was clear that He wanted to seriously spank me, and clear that I'd finish up blistered.  I was anxious, frightened, desperate to somehow please Him.  In my mind there was nothing that He could do to me that would ever be worse than Sunday afternoon. 

We started with me over His knee -- a position that we haven't tried since the last surgery.  In the beginning, He had me leave my leggings on, and spanked over the top of my pants.  Paddles and straps and some sort of short multi-sticked canish thingy, and a new two strand rubber strap were part of the "warm-up" phase of things.  He told me that He loved me.  Over and over and over.  And I declared, "I love you, Sir."  Over ad over and over.  Then He had me pull down my leggings and panties, and went back after me on bare skin.  I breathed, and gasped, but I was determined to behave as He expects.  More than anything else, I wanted to please Him -- I wanted to not dissapoint Him. 

Then, He told me, "You are not done yet.  Get up."  He took me into the bedroom and pushed me down over some pillows.  He got a big, heavy lexan paddle, and for the first time, began to lecture me about ever considering ending our relationship; about ever believing that He didn't love me; about remembering that I was His.

Sobbing; contrite; I responded with quiet "yes, Sir" and "no, Sir" answers.  The paddle blows fell hard and fast, rocking me into the edge of the bed.  I held on.  I sobbed, but I was quiet, and I stayed where He'd put me. 

He pulled the singletail off the hooks, and began to whip me.  I don't know how many strokes.  I know that I have a number of welts this evening.  I never moved.  Not an inch. 

Finally, He told me that there would be one more set with the paddle, and then it would be over with.  And it was.  Over with. 

We made love.  Really.  It was good for us both.  Afterwards, exhausted, spent, relieved -- I simply curled into Him and just tried to breathe.  For the first time in days and days, I felt good and relaxed and at ease.  We laughed.  We held each other.  We shared kisses.

For all of you, who have supported us through our recent "bump," thank you!  We are, I think, going to be OK.  Here, for your edification, are the last "butt pictures" of 2009.  We will ring out this year with a deep sense of relief, and we will look forward to a much better, and hopefully easier 2010.

All the very best good wishes to all of you for the coming year.

swan