I've been thinking further about the questions raised by magdala in her recent discussion of issues of "ownership" in power exchange relationships here:
http://slavemagdala.blogspot.com/2005/11/your-mileage-may-vary.html
Some of that thinking took me back to reread the work done by Gabriel around the concepts of "continuous consent" and "ethical ownership/Mastery" that culminated with His "Pygmalion" post over at "Once Bitten" here:
http://keeperandkept.blogspot.com/2005/10/pygmalion-factor.html
I find that there is an argument posited that "ownership" implies and almost demands a concomitant responsibility to maintain the owned item. With the acceptance of that premise there then follows a whole set of requirements placed upon the owner to care for the "property" in specific ways or else risk earning the labels of "bad, irresponsible, neglectful, etc."
I disagree with the premise.
Ownership refers simply to the act of possessing. It may imply some legal status, although, clearly, when we speak of it in reference to consensual erotic slavery, that is not the case. However, ownership occurs when one obtains the actual legitimate possession of some property. Period. It does not hinge upon the manner in which said owner chooses to treat or care for the property. That discussion devolves to an entirely different set of vocabulary:
maintenance
stewardship
leadership
and things like--
guardian
protector
warden
keeper
mentor
monitor
teacher
guide...
The list might go on and on and on.
The reality is that if one owns a piece of property, the decisions about how to treat that property are ALL within the range of choices belonging to that person. It is entirely possible to buy a finely crafted piece of furniture and stick that lovely piece in a cold, damp, dusty barn where it will gradually, and inevitably crumble into a splintered pile of rubble. There is no requirement to do otherwise. The piece in questions remains owned property throughout.
Similarly, a Master might own a slave and choose to completely ignore that slave's needs at every level -- physical, emotional, social, spiritual. Those choices, theoretically belong entirely to the owner in a Master/slave dynamic. We can, reliably, predict the likely outcome in terms of the health and well-being of the slave and the relationship in the long-term under those circumstances, but the reality is that such a possibility could occur within the context of an Owner/owned agreement.
I did not enter into slavery against my will. Nor did I enter into it suddenly one day, an object plucked off a shelf. Ours was a dynamic that evolved slowly and organically from who we were with one another. It came to be our truth, and eventually simply had to be acknowledged.
I am cared for with great tenderness and deep love and affection. However, His choices and decisions drive the dynamic. There is no requirement for Him to care for His property in specific ways. That does not result from the fact of His ownership.
I have always found it disconcerting when submissives and slaves insist that Dominants and Masters, if they are worthy of the title, must cherish their possessions as if they are "great treasures." Many do. However that declaration and implied judgment seems to me out of place and simply topsy turvy in a world where some would bend to the hand of those who "own."
Somedays, Master's gaze falls on me with great intensity and warmth and I am all aglow. At other times, His attention and energy is, and must be elsewhere. It is as it should and must be. I know, still, who I am and to whom I belong -- always and all ways. He does not HAVE TO tell me or show me.
swan
11/12/2005
11/11/2005
"Why Walk When You Can Fly?"
It's the title to a Mary Chapin Carpenter song that is Master's favorite, and key to understanding an awful lot of what drives our household at the core:
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble, baby.
In this world there's a whole lot of pain.
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble,
But a whole lot of ground to gain.
Why take when you could be giving?
Why watch as the world goes by?
It's a hard enough life to be living,
Why walk when you can fly?
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow.
In this world there's a whole lot of shame.
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow,
And a whole lotta ground to gain.
When you spend your whole life wishing,
Wanting and wondering why,
It's a long enough life to be living:
Why walk when you can fly?
In this world there's a whole lot of cold.
In this world there's a whole lot of blame.
In this world you've a soul for a compass,
And a heart for a pair of wings.
There's a star on the far horizon,
Rising bright in an azure sky.
For the rest of the time that you're given,
Why walk when you can fly - high?
Ooooh.
--Mary Chapin Carpenter. --
He's driven by that conviction. Driven by that belief at the very center of who He is... He is the quintessential idealist and believer. Everything He has done, throughout a long life of striving against a system that brutalizes the weakest among us, has been founded on an idealistic, almost innocent, almost childlike BELIEF in the fact that human souls and human hearts can and must soar, that dreams can and do come true if we pursue them with faith and vigor and all the strength we possess. He does not merely use that "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams" bit as a clever tag line. For Him, it is a passionately felt, passionately followed ideal. That ideal sucks up a huge amout of time, energy, effort, power. It consumes Him, and with Him, us.
We're used to it. It is the nature of our lives. What He comes to believe in, shapes our world. Whatever He sees, we come to do, to support with our lives.
There is simply no talking Him out of His visions, His dreams.
The more cautious voices, here, might venture timid questions in the beginning; might offer some thought that perhaps it would be prudent to proceed with a bit of care. Most often though, such "old-lady" tutting gets met with incredulity as our "Don Quixote" wonders why we aren't as enthusiastic about whatever quest He has in mind for us next.
We've learned, T and I, to gather up the brooms, the dustpans, and the first aid kits, and try and keep up. Dashing about after a dreamer -- following in the wake of a sincere believer is exhilerating, if not always tidy. Sometimes believers smash into hard surfaces. Sometimes, however, they fly. When they do, they carry those of us who would be more earthbound with them, and then, oh then, the skies are glorious.
Why walk when you can fly?
swan
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble, baby.
In this world there's a whole lot of pain.
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble,
But a whole lot of ground to gain.
Why take when you could be giving?
Why watch as the world goes by?
It's a hard enough life to be living,
Why walk when you can fly?
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow.
In this world there's a whole lot of shame.
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow,
And a whole lotta ground to gain.
When you spend your whole life wishing,
Wanting and wondering why,
It's a long enough life to be living:
Why walk when you can fly?
In this world there's a whole lot of cold.
In this world there's a whole lot of blame.
In this world you've a soul for a compass,
And a heart for a pair of wings.
There's a star on the far horizon,
Rising bright in an azure sky.
For the rest of the time that you're given,
Why walk when you can fly - high?
Ooooh.
--Mary Chapin Carpenter. --
He's driven by that conviction. Driven by that belief at the very center of who He is... He is the quintessential idealist and believer. Everything He has done, throughout a long life of striving against a system that brutalizes the weakest among us, has been founded on an idealistic, almost innocent, almost childlike BELIEF in the fact that human souls and human hearts can and must soar, that dreams can and do come true if we pursue them with faith and vigor and all the strength we possess. He does not merely use that "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams" bit as a clever tag line. For Him, it is a passionately felt, passionately followed ideal. That ideal sucks up a huge amout of time, energy, effort, power. It consumes Him, and with Him, us.
We're used to it. It is the nature of our lives. What He comes to believe in, shapes our world. Whatever He sees, we come to do, to support with our lives.
There is simply no talking Him out of His visions, His dreams.
The more cautious voices, here, might venture timid questions in the beginning; might offer some thought that perhaps it would be prudent to proceed with a bit of care. Most often though, such "old-lady" tutting gets met with incredulity as our "Don Quixote" wonders why we aren't as enthusiastic about whatever quest He has in mind for us next.
We've learned, T and I, to gather up the brooms, the dustpans, and the first aid kits, and try and keep up. Dashing about after a dreamer -- following in the wake of a sincere believer is exhilerating, if not always tidy. Sometimes believers smash into hard surfaces. Sometimes, however, they fly. When they do, they carry those of us who would be more earthbound with them, and then, oh then, the skies are glorious.
Why walk when you can fly?
swan
Less Than Tickled Camper
Yanno....I am the one who just sorta cruises along. A few years ago I almost died. And it puts alot of things into perspective. Cuts the chaff from the wheat. Makes you sit back and decide what is worth your time and breath and what can just go "bye bye".
I don't blog much. I started around the BDSM circles online many years ago. Back on Prodigy. I used to spend hours online discussing the "life" and how deep and meaningful everything was because of BDSM. ::insert deep dramatic sigh here:: And how simply no one else could possibly understand unless they lived the life 24/7. I have grown up. 24/7 is no picnic. It is work. And anyone who thinks they can walk into my life and take it on and think it will be a piece of cake is nuts.
Poly is hard. It is work. More love make more love, sure. But it is also more work. Some people seem to think that because Tom has Swan and me, his life is easier. That all of our lives are easier. Well, folks, that ain't so. We have to work at it. We have to schedule it. We have to negotiate it. And sometimes we don't all get what we want. There are days that I want more. There are times when I want to scream that it isn't fair to share. But that is not because of Swan. It is because of Tom's job. You see he is a very dedicated professional who has thousands of people depending on him to keep them safe & alive. Without Tom's advocacy these people would be homeless, destitute, or probably dead. He has saved lives. And he works his ass off. And Swan and I work around that schedule to have our family time. We do what is necessary to give him the down-time he needs to recharge and go battle the dragons that want to hurt his people. He works a regular week like most folks... AND ...he has evening meetings, like some folks... AND ...he works alot of Saturdays ...like a few folks. And when people think that they deserve more of his time than I know he is able to give without completely exhausting himself I get a little ticked. Well.....make that ALOT ticked.
And I just have to say... that just because ya don't get 1 on 1 time and lots of conversation, well too bad, so sad ...if you had removed the rose colored glasses and not spoon fed Tom a dish of crap in the first place... you would have realized that this is the Real World. We could all end up being "very nice friends" ....instead of this.
"I'm actually hoping there will be some sense of relief from at least T and S." I gotta tell ya that line sucks big time. Not our faults. Don't go there. Not fair. You asked for this.
You blindsided him. You hurt him. We will pickup the pieces of the pain you have caused. In your need to: "But it really is a locked triad. I knew that from the beginning, but I wanted to see how things might progress." "I never played you or toyed with your affections. Everything has been very real." I believe this is where I would insert "real bulls**t". Locked triad. We were willing to be open. We were happily welcoming you into our home. But you "wanted to see how things might progress"? Yet you say you "never played or toyed with" Tom's affections??? Errrr....ahhhh.....duh!!!! Plain and simple you came, you played, you didn't get the brass ring, and you took your toys and went home.
The reason many Triads never expand is people like you. People who try to insert themselves into a group and never really take the time to learn about the family, they just go for the Alpha member thinking that by landing that catch, they will be able to ride along under their protection. Make no mistake. I am the peaceful one. I am the one who just sorta cruises along. But I am also fiercely protective of my family. And more than anything, I am protective of Tom. You have hurt him. And that hurts me. I can live with the loss of you. But I will NEVER forgive you for causing pain to Tom.
T
I don't blog much. I started around the BDSM circles online many years ago. Back on Prodigy. I used to spend hours online discussing the "life" and how deep and meaningful everything was because of BDSM. ::insert deep dramatic sigh here:: And how simply no one else could possibly understand unless they lived the life 24/7. I have grown up. 24/7 is no picnic. It is work. And anyone who thinks they can walk into my life and take it on and think it will be a piece of cake is nuts.
Poly is hard. It is work. More love make more love, sure. But it is also more work. Some people seem to think that because Tom has Swan and me, his life is easier. That all of our lives are easier. Well, folks, that ain't so. We have to work at it. We have to schedule it. We have to negotiate it. And sometimes we don't all get what we want. There are days that I want more. There are times when I want to scream that it isn't fair to share. But that is not because of Swan. It is because of Tom's job. You see he is a very dedicated professional who has thousands of people depending on him to keep them safe & alive. Without Tom's advocacy these people would be homeless, destitute, or probably dead. He has saved lives. And he works his ass off. And Swan and I work around that schedule to have our family time. We do what is necessary to give him the down-time he needs to recharge and go battle the dragons that want to hurt his people. He works a regular week like most folks... AND ...he has evening meetings, like some folks... AND ...he works alot of Saturdays ...like a few folks. And when people think that they deserve more of his time than I know he is able to give without completely exhausting himself I get a little ticked. Well.....make that ALOT ticked.
And I just have to say... that just because ya don't get 1 on 1 time and lots of conversation, well too bad, so sad ...if you had removed the rose colored glasses and not spoon fed Tom a dish of crap in the first place... you would have realized that this is the Real World. We could all end up being "very nice friends" ....instead of this.
"I'm actually hoping there will be some sense of relief from at least T and S." I gotta tell ya that line sucks big time. Not our faults. Don't go there. Not fair. You asked for this.
You blindsided him. You hurt him. We will pickup the pieces of the pain you have caused. In your need to: "But it really is a locked triad. I knew that from the beginning, but I wanted to see how things might progress." "I never played you or toyed with your affections. Everything has been very real." I believe this is where I would insert "real bulls**t". Locked triad. We were willing to be open. We were happily welcoming you into our home. But you "wanted to see how things might progress"? Yet you say you "never played or toyed with" Tom's affections??? Errrr....ahhhh.....duh!!!! Plain and simple you came, you played, you didn't get the brass ring, and you took your toys and went home.
The reason many Triads never expand is people like you. People who try to insert themselves into a group and never really take the time to learn about the family, they just go for the Alpha member thinking that by landing that catch, they will be able to ride along under their protection. Make no mistake. I am the peaceful one. I am the one who just sorta cruises along. But I am also fiercely protective of my family. And more than anything, I am protective of Tom. You have hurt him. And that hurts me. I can live with the loss of you. But I will NEVER forgive you for causing pain to Tom.
T
11/10/2005
Let me just say this one thing...
It has been a terribly painful day here. The suddenness with which our anticipated visit was cancelled -- with no real warning -- has left great bewilderment, anger, and hurt on this end of the equation.
I was not sure what to say when the email first came through that dropped the hammer this morning. After all, I am not "in" the middle of the relationship -- I've come to be one who has learned to cheer quietly from the side, to say, "don't you need to call, or call back?" I was looking forward to those days and nights, to seeing what I might learn about the folks I'd come to count as family, and I was relishing the joy I'd seen on my Master's face as the date approached...
And now there is much hurt to deal with, but that will be taken care of here. We will go on. Wiser perhaps.
I do feel backhanded, personally, by this bit from the "Dear John" letter, however--
"have decided to cancel out trip out there. I hope this doesn't put you all out. I'm actually hoping there will be some sense of relief from at least T and Sue. I feel badly about disrupting their lives so."
I know I was slow to "get on the wagon" with all of this. I know I was caught off guard, slow to warm up, slow to become "a good friend," but when I tell someone I'm OK, when I actually do "get there," I expect to be taken at my word. I resent this continuing niggling bit of blame. I especially resent it now, when it is being used as an excuse to inflict hurt on one who does not deserve it.
swan
I was not sure what to say when the email first came through that dropped the hammer this morning. After all, I am not "in" the middle of the relationship -- I've come to be one who has learned to cheer quietly from the side, to say, "don't you need to call, or call back?" I was looking forward to those days and nights, to seeing what I might learn about the folks I'd come to count as family, and I was relishing the joy I'd seen on my Master's face as the date approached...
And now there is much hurt to deal with, but that will be taken care of here. We will go on. Wiser perhaps.
I do feel backhanded, personally, by this bit from the "Dear John" letter, however--
"have decided to cancel out trip out there. I hope this doesn't put you all out. I'm actually hoping there will be some sense of relief from at least T and Sue. I feel badly about disrupting their lives so."
I know I was slow to "get on the wagon" with all of this. I know I was caught off guard, slow to warm up, slow to become "a good friend," but when I tell someone I'm OK, when I actually do "get there," I expect to be taken at my word. I resent this continuing niggling bit of blame. I especially resent it now, when it is being used as an excuse to inflict hurt on one who does not deserve it.
swan
Ending Poly Relationships
I/ we were stunned this morning to receive this email and the subsequent lack of response to this series of correspondence. It is clear that in dealing with potential correspondents and partners in polyamorous relationships people need to be careful. As can be seen in the subsequent correspondence, especially by those who have followed this here, Internet predators are prevalent, and can scam even the most experienced and mature individuals. It is clear that I am going to get no response to my email in regard to this so I am making it public in hope that others are not “experimented” with.
Hi Tom,
There is no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to have to say it. I need to write this out because I'm afraid the words won't come outright over the phone. Although we can certainly talk whenever you have time. I can't say that I'm unhappy in this relationship, because I'm not feeling that we have a relationship. I'm not saying this to be mean. We both know you do not have the time, focus, or energy to put into this on a consistent basis. You probably never will.
What you have with Sue and T is awesome. But it really is a locked triad. I knew that from the beginning, but I wanted to see how things might progress. And they really haven't. This doesn't mean that I don't love you or care about the three of you. But I'm just not getting anything substantial from our interactions.
I do care for you (all of you) as friends and I hope saying this won't make you hate me. I never played you or toyed with your affections. Everything has been very real. But I don't want to try to make this something that it isn't. Loki and I have talked and have decided to cancel out trip out there. I hope this doesn't put you all out. I'm actually hoping there will be some sense of relief from at least T and Sue. I feel badly about disrupting their lives so. I hope you all will forgive me. I do love you and know that you love me. Please accept that this decision will give me peace. I wish the same for you.
Love, Jewels
__________________________________________________
I was pretty devastated this morning reading this. I didn't really know what to say with you when we IM'ed. I ended it quickly. I was hurting a lot and wanted to get away.
I cried a good bit this morning and then fortunately the demands of a heavy schedule for most of the day gave me a lot of relief in focusing entirely elsewhere. I'm amazed how empty and gray things suddenly seem.
I really had in this short time come to think of my life as including you and now I feel like that is suddenly gone. To a greater extent that included you both and that too feels absent. T's reaction was "how sad" and feeling bad for how hurt I felt. Sue was disappointed. She said she finally had gotten comfortable with "us" and was really looking forward to this visit as one she was going to enjoy and participate in....and now that she's finally ready, it's over. And of course too she was sad for what I was feeling.
I guess I have mixed feelings of having failed us, to wanting to say "what did you expect form me!? I tried to give what I had." I guess it's clear what "I had' was way inadequate.
You don't have to respond. I'll certainly get past this and life will of course go on and continue to get better or not depending on whatever else comes. You are such a wonderful person. I really did let you take residence in my heart and your departure, or my abandonment, or whatever it is that happened has left me pretty floored and bereft.
I loved you,
Tom
______________________________________
In a message dated 11/9/2005 5:30:17 PM Eastern Standard Time, lockandki@gmail.com writes:
I can't say that I'm unhappy in this relationship, because I'm not feeling that we have a relationship. I'm not saying this to be mean. We both know you do not have the time, focus, or energy to put into this on a consistent basis. You probably never will.
You know, as I think about this I'm becoming increasingly pissed. I've never said that I had time, focus, or energy to put into this on a consistent basis. You're exactly right I never will.
You predicated your end of this relationship on some sort of astrological mumbo jumbo that talked about how we were connected and that we would have this relationship that ebbed and flowed and was a long term connection for years and that we would be separated and would have brief times when we were together but that we would be apart. There also was this somehow irresistible calling you heard to have to respond to me. It seems that then long-termness extends about three weeks of my being very busy and preoccupied and the irresistible calling was pretty short-lived.
What you have with Sue and T is awesome. But it really is a locked triad. I knew that from the beginning, but I wanted to see how things might progress. I never played you or toyed with your affections.
I'd be interested to understand how you reconcile "knew from the beginning"...... we were a 'locked triad"......"but wanted to see how things might progress" and "I never played you and toyed with your affections."
I know I'm very hurt and becoming very angry. I don't want to burn bridges of what might be a friendship but this is impossible to accept. You are a couple of bright and very neat people, but I have a hard time having this happen and then being told specifically that you knew we were "locked", but wanted to see how things "would progress" in combination with "I didn't play you."
I hope your experiment was entertaining. I hope this was good for you. It has been for me until now. Now it's quite frankly terrible. I do feel betrayed. Hell, you've stated you betrayed me/us in describing your preemptive statement that you didn't play me.
You said we were about learning and I'm sure you were right. The next time I feel an amazing "love" for some Internet connection, I'll just go out and slam my balls in the car door a couple of times and forget about it. It will hurt a lot less and will save a lot of wasted time.
Tom
P. S. You know, I don't know how many times in our chats over the last few weeks I apologized for the time my life was taking away from us, or for my need to start exercising again, or thanked you for remaining so steadfast despite all the ebbs and flows of energies. You told me you were a stubborn Taurus and would be fine. You always told me it was fine and not to worry etc. It clearly was not fine. I go from every expression to you talking about being concerned about our time together and lacks of energy, etc., being not anything to worry about, to, out of the blue, getting a "Dear John." Might there have been an in between of saying you know I need more from you than what I'm getting?I was living for our being together again in two weeks. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Tom,
There is no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to have to say it. I need to write this out because I'm afraid the words won't come outright over the phone. Although we can certainly talk whenever you have time. I can't say that I'm unhappy in this relationship, because I'm not feeling that we have a relationship. I'm not saying this to be mean. We both know you do not have the time, focus, or energy to put into this on a consistent basis. You probably never will.
What you have with Sue and T is awesome. But it really is a locked triad. I knew that from the beginning, but I wanted to see how things might progress. And they really haven't. This doesn't mean that I don't love you or care about the three of you. But I'm just not getting anything substantial from our interactions.
I do care for you (all of you) as friends and I hope saying this won't make you hate me. I never played you or toyed with your affections. Everything has been very real. But I don't want to try to make this something that it isn't. Loki and I have talked and have decided to cancel out trip out there. I hope this doesn't put you all out. I'm actually hoping there will be some sense of relief from at least T and Sue. I feel badly about disrupting their lives so. I hope you all will forgive me. I do love you and know that you love me. Please accept that this decision will give me peace. I wish the same for you.
Love, Jewels
__________________________________________________
I was pretty devastated this morning reading this. I didn't really know what to say with you when we IM'ed. I ended it quickly. I was hurting a lot and wanted to get away.
I cried a good bit this morning and then fortunately the demands of a heavy schedule for most of the day gave me a lot of relief in focusing entirely elsewhere. I'm amazed how empty and gray things suddenly seem.
I really had in this short time come to think of my life as including you and now I feel like that is suddenly gone. To a greater extent that included you both and that too feels absent. T's reaction was "how sad" and feeling bad for how hurt I felt. Sue was disappointed. She said she finally had gotten comfortable with "us" and was really looking forward to this visit as one she was going to enjoy and participate in....and now that she's finally ready, it's over. And of course too she was sad for what I was feeling.
I guess I have mixed feelings of having failed us, to wanting to say "what did you expect form me!? I tried to give what I had." I guess it's clear what "I had' was way inadequate.
You don't have to respond. I'll certainly get past this and life will of course go on and continue to get better or not depending on whatever else comes. You are such a wonderful person. I really did let you take residence in my heart and your departure, or my abandonment, or whatever it is that happened has left me pretty floored and bereft.
I loved you,
Tom
______________________________________
In a message dated 11/9/2005 5:30:17 PM Eastern Standard Time, lockandki@gmail.com writes:
I can't say that I'm unhappy in this relationship, because I'm not feeling that we have a relationship. I'm not saying this to be mean. We both know you do not have the time, focus, or energy to put into this on a consistent basis. You probably never will.
You know, as I think about this I'm becoming increasingly pissed. I've never said that I had time, focus, or energy to put into this on a consistent basis. You're exactly right I never will.
You predicated your end of this relationship on some sort of astrological mumbo jumbo that talked about how we were connected and that we would have this relationship that ebbed and flowed and was a long term connection for years and that we would be separated and would have brief times when we were together but that we would be apart. There also was this somehow irresistible calling you heard to have to respond to me. It seems that then long-termness extends about three weeks of my being very busy and preoccupied and the irresistible calling was pretty short-lived.
What you have with Sue and T is awesome. But it really is a locked triad. I knew that from the beginning, but I wanted to see how things might progress. I never played you or toyed with your affections.
I'd be interested to understand how you reconcile "knew from the beginning"...... we were a 'locked triad"......"but wanted to see how things might progress" and "I never played you and toyed with your affections."
I know I'm very hurt and becoming very angry. I don't want to burn bridges of what might be a friendship but this is impossible to accept. You are a couple of bright and very neat people, but I have a hard time having this happen and then being told specifically that you knew we were "locked", but wanted to see how things "would progress" in combination with "I didn't play you."
I hope your experiment was entertaining. I hope this was good for you. It has been for me until now. Now it's quite frankly terrible. I do feel betrayed. Hell, you've stated you betrayed me/us in describing your preemptive statement that you didn't play me.
You said we were about learning and I'm sure you were right. The next time I feel an amazing "love" for some Internet connection, I'll just go out and slam my balls in the car door a couple of times and forget about it. It will hurt a lot less and will save a lot of wasted time.
Tom
P. S. You know, I don't know how many times in our chats over the last few weeks I apologized for the time my life was taking away from us, or for my need to start exercising again, or thanked you for remaining so steadfast despite all the ebbs and flows of energies. You told me you were a stubborn Taurus and would be fine. You always told me it was fine and not to worry etc. It clearly was not fine. I go from every expression to you talking about being concerned about our time together and lacks of energy, etc., being not anything to worry about, to, out of the blue, getting a "Dear John." Might there have been an in between of saying you know I need more from you than what I'm getting?I was living for our being together again in two weeks. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
Just Writing...
For me, it has been an interesting and good time. So much has opened up and eased up, that I have simply watched and reveled in it all, and been almost too amazed to even report on it. Or maybe I've been a bit superstitious -- afraid that putting words to it might make it vanish in a puff of smoke...
Too, so much has happened so quickly, that I've not had time to report any of it in any sort of sensible sequence. Life has conspired. Again. Complexities take focus. For me at least. Especially when they are wrapped up in seeming miraculous wonderments.
So...
Focus and report...
I woke up sexually here somewhere again! Yee Haw! Had about given up. Not happily given up, but resigned myself that it simply was the reality and condition of my "age." Seemed that there was not a damned thing that anyone could offer me or tell me that would work to revive the "girlie" parts from their swoon into eternal somnolence. Then, suddenly, just as suddenly as they'd departed from active duty, there they were back -- horny as hell and demanding that somebody pay attention!!! ZOWIE! Mostly this is fabulous news. A little complicated, due to the simple fact that I am like a teenager in heat... I understand that it is inappropriate to jump everything with a penis on the face of the planet -- I'm just not entirely sure WHY it is considered inappropriate... I think I knew the answer to that question once... AHEM.
I'm just happy. Happy with my family. Happy with my life. Happy with our household. Happy with Master. Happy. I understand that there are a gazillion things about the world that need fixing -- socially, economically, politically, etc. I know that there are a host of wrongs that need to be righted and that there are way too few resources to throw at all the many, many problems that are pressing on us right now. I am not Pollyanna. Still, when I open my eyes in the morning and when I settle into sleep at night, my life is as good as I ever dreamed it could possibly be. If I won the monster lotto jackpot and could retire and play from here on out, or travel around the world fixing all the things that need fixing and preaching the kind of tolerance and acceptance that I wish the world would learn and practice, that would be kewl and neat, but I doubt I'd be any happier than I am right now.
Some of the struggling to understand my place as slave and my relationship within this dynamic has taken me to deeper places in my own awareness. I am finding myself fantasizing more again. Dreaming again. Ready again to journey in that way. Part of that has been a lot of time spent reminiscing about things we used to do and don't do so much anymore...coming to understand what the role was of some of those old abandoned styles of play and how it is that we shifted away from them. Some of what I've found myself doing is sharing some of what helps me go deeper, some of what is invading my dreams and my fantasies, some of my questions and wonderings. We are under a lot of time stressors and time constraints, and energy is limited, but it has been fascinating to find that some of what I am dreaming in the dark of night, He has also been thinking about. I wonder: am I reading His thinking, or is He walking my dreams? Either way, He has been more physical with me lately, and it is good. I am feeling more at home. Safer. More secure. Closer.
swan
Too, so much has happened so quickly, that I've not had time to report any of it in any sort of sensible sequence. Life has conspired. Again. Complexities take focus. For me at least. Especially when they are wrapped up in seeming miraculous wonderments.
So...
Focus and report...
I woke up sexually here somewhere again! Yee Haw! Had about given up. Not happily given up, but resigned myself that it simply was the reality and condition of my "age." Seemed that there was not a damned thing that anyone could offer me or tell me that would work to revive the "girlie" parts from their swoon into eternal somnolence. Then, suddenly, just as suddenly as they'd departed from active duty, there they were back -- horny as hell and demanding that somebody pay attention!!! ZOWIE! Mostly this is fabulous news. A little complicated, due to the simple fact that I am like a teenager in heat... I understand that it is inappropriate to jump everything with a penis on the face of the planet -- I'm just not entirely sure WHY it is considered inappropriate... I think I knew the answer to that question once... AHEM.
I'm just happy. Happy with my family. Happy with my life. Happy with our household. Happy with Master. Happy. I understand that there are a gazillion things about the world that need fixing -- socially, economically, politically, etc. I know that there are a host of wrongs that need to be righted and that there are way too few resources to throw at all the many, many problems that are pressing on us right now. I am not Pollyanna. Still, when I open my eyes in the morning and when I settle into sleep at night, my life is as good as I ever dreamed it could possibly be. If I won the monster lotto jackpot and could retire and play from here on out, or travel around the world fixing all the things that need fixing and preaching the kind of tolerance and acceptance that I wish the world would learn and practice, that would be kewl and neat, but I doubt I'd be any happier than I am right now.
Some of the struggling to understand my place as slave and my relationship within this dynamic has taken me to deeper places in my own awareness. I am finding myself fantasizing more again. Dreaming again. Ready again to journey in that way. Part of that has been a lot of time spent reminiscing about things we used to do and don't do so much anymore...coming to understand what the role was of some of those old abandoned styles of play and how it is that we shifted away from them. Some of what I've found myself doing is sharing some of what helps me go deeper, some of what is invading my dreams and my fantasies, some of my questions and wonderings. We are under a lot of time stressors and time constraints, and energy is limited, but it has been fascinating to find that some of what I am dreaming in the dark of night, He has also been thinking about. I wonder: am I reading His thinking, or is He walking my dreams? Either way, He has been more physical with me lately, and it is good. I am feeling more at home. Safer. More secure. Closer.
swan
11/08/2005
Maybe This Shouldn't Bug Me, But...
I've been involved in a discussion over on magdala's blog about feeling "unslave-like." It is, I think, sensitive and difficult territory for those of us who follow this path. I've been there. I know how really hard it is to sort through all the emotions and fears that the questions bring up.
She's got an anonymous (figures) commenter who has come in a couple of times in the discourse with points that might be well taken except for TONE. Magdala hasn't objected, but I sure feel like she ought to.
Why is it that some people feel like it is OK to talk to someone who identifies as a slave like this:
"...Shut-up and take your punishment. Slave."
and
"...boredom is a normal consequence or your situation. He has other things to do and other things to think about. So shut-up, wait upon your master"
Excuse me? Is such rudeness necessary? What agreement, protocol, relational understanding gives an unnamed stranger permission to treat another with such contempt? The label slave identifies a relationship that is specific to a very intimate relationship. It is not public, and it does not convey power to all and sundry. The arrogance!
I read these comments, and I cannot "get" the message contained in them because I am overwhelmed by the lack of breeding displayed by the individual.
On the other hand, I am most impressed by magdala's composure and poise in the face of such lack of manners.
swan
She's got an anonymous (figures) commenter who has come in a couple of times in the discourse with points that might be well taken except for TONE. Magdala hasn't objected, but I sure feel like she ought to.
Why is it that some people feel like it is OK to talk to someone who identifies as a slave like this:
"...Shut-up and take your punishment. Slave."
and
"...boredom is a normal consequence or your situation. He has other things to do and other things to think about. So shut-up, wait upon your master"
Excuse me? Is such rudeness necessary? What agreement, protocol, relational understanding gives an unnamed stranger permission to treat another with such contempt? The label slave identifies a relationship that is specific to a very intimate relationship. It is not public, and it does not convey power to all and sundry. The arrogance!
I read these comments, and I cannot "get" the message contained in them because I am overwhelmed by the lack of breeding displayed by the individual.
On the other hand, I am most impressed by magdala's composure and poise in the face of such lack of manners.
swan
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