I/ we were stunned this morning to receive this email and the subsequent lack of response to this series of correspondence. It is clear that in dealing with potential correspondents and partners in polyamorous relationships people need to be careful. As can be seen in the subsequent correspondence, especially by those who have followed this here, Internet predators are prevalent, and can scam even the most experienced and mature individuals. It is clear that I am going to get no response to my email in regard to this so I am making it public in hope that others are not “experimented” with.
Hi Tom,
There is no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to have to say it. I need to write this out because I'm afraid the words won't come outright over the phone. Although we can certainly talk whenever you have time. I can't say that I'm unhappy in this relationship, because I'm not feeling that we have a relationship. I'm not saying this to be mean. We both know you do not have the time, focus, or energy to put into this on a consistent basis. You probably never will.
What you have with Sue and T is awesome. But it really is a locked triad. I knew that from the beginning, but I wanted to see how things might progress. And they really haven't. This doesn't mean that I don't love you or care about the three of you. But I'm just not getting anything substantial from our interactions.
I do care for you (all of you) as friends and I hope saying this won't make you hate me. I never played you or toyed with your affections. Everything has been very real. But I don't want to try to make this something that it isn't. Loki and I have talked and have decided to cancel out trip out there. I hope this doesn't put you all out. I'm actually hoping there will be some sense of relief from at least T and Sue. I feel badly about disrupting their lives so. I hope you all will forgive me. I do love you and know that you love me. Please accept that this decision will give me peace. I wish the same for you.
Love, Jewels
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I was pretty devastated this morning reading this. I didn't really know what to say with you when we IM'ed. I ended it quickly. I was hurting a lot and wanted to get away.
I cried a good bit this morning and then fortunately the demands of a heavy schedule for most of the day gave me a lot of relief in focusing entirely elsewhere. I'm amazed how empty and gray things suddenly seem.
I really had in this short time come to think of my life as including you and now I feel like that is suddenly gone. To a greater extent that included you both and that too feels absent. T's reaction was "how sad" and feeling bad for how hurt I felt. Sue was disappointed. She said she finally had gotten comfortable with "us" and was really looking forward to this visit as one she was going to enjoy and participate in....and now that she's finally ready, it's over. And of course too she was sad for what I was feeling.
I guess I have mixed feelings of having failed us, to wanting to say "what did you expect form me!? I tried to give what I had." I guess it's clear what "I had' was way inadequate.
You don't have to respond. I'll certainly get past this and life will of course go on and continue to get better or not depending on whatever else comes. You are such a wonderful person. I really did let you take residence in my heart and your departure, or my abandonment, or whatever it is that happened has left me pretty floored and bereft.
I loved you,
Tom
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In a message dated 11/9/2005 5:30:17 PM Eastern Standard Time, lockandki@gmail.com writes:
I can't say that I'm unhappy in this relationship, because I'm not feeling that we have a relationship. I'm not saying this to be mean. We both know you do not have the time, focus, or energy to put into this on a consistent basis. You probably never will.
You know, as I think about this I'm becoming increasingly pissed. I've never said that I had time, focus, or energy to put into this on a consistent basis. You're exactly right I never will.
You predicated your end of this relationship on some sort of astrological mumbo jumbo that talked about how we were connected and that we would have this relationship that ebbed and flowed and was a long term connection for years and that we would be separated and would have brief times when we were together but that we would be apart. There also was this somehow irresistible calling you heard to have to respond to me. It seems that then long-termness extends about three weeks of my being very busy and preoccupied and the irresistible calling was pretty short-lived.
What you have with Sue and T is awesome. But it really is a locked triad. I knew that from the beginning, but I wanted to see how things might progress. I never played you or toyed with your affections.
I'd be interested to understand how you reconcile "knew from the beginning"...... we were a 'locked triad"......"but wanted to see how things might progress" and "I never played you and toyed with your affections."
I know I'm very hurt and becoming very angry. I don't want to burn bridges of what might be a friendship but this is impossible to accept. You are a couple of bright and very neat people, but I have a hard time having this happen and then being told specifically that you knew we were "locked", but wanted to see how things "would progress" in combination with "I didn't play you."
I hope your experiment was entertaining. I hope this was good for you. It has been for me until now. Now it's quite frankly terrible. I do feel betrayed. Hell, you've stated you betrayed me/us in describing your preemptive statement that you didn't play me.
You said we were about learning and I'm sure you were right. The next time I feel an amazing "love" for some Internet connection, I'll just go out and slam my balls in the car door a couple of times and forget about it. It will hurt a lot less and will save a lot of wasted time.
Tom
P. S. You know, I don't know how many times in our chats over the last few weeks I apologized for the time my life was taking away from us, or for my need to start exercising again, or thanked you for remaining so steadfast despite all the ebbs and flows of energies. You told me you were a stubborn Taurus and would be fine. You always told me it was fine and not to worry etc. It clearly was not fine. I go from every expression to you talking about being concerned about our time together and lacks of energy, etc., being not anything to worry about, to, out of the blue, getting a "Dear John." Might there have been an in between of saying you know I need more from you than what I'm getting?I was living for our being together again in two weeks. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
i have followed this blog with great interest in caring for all of you, and when jewels became part of that which was discussed, i started reading her blog, too. in fact, i went back and read her entire blog.
ReplyDeleteas someone who would not be able to handle the jealousy that would inevitably, rise up in me, if i weren't the ONLY beloved in a relationship, i have learned so much from what you all have written about and always, i am moved by the raw honesty that you demand of one another AND of yourselves. Sue's posts, when jewels became the "object of your affection", lingered with me - i think that because i couldn't identitify with the specifics, it opened me up to emotions that are linked to times in my life when sharing and loving were attached to confronting and compromising beliefs.
but when i read the things that jewels shared, i understood something that i hadn't expected. as i see it, jewels is a woman who suffered in ways as a child and adolescent, that would make many, just wither away and die. instead, she has claimed herself and i admire her ability to attach to anyone, after being so abandoned and rejected as a child. her posts describe a wonderful, long-term relatedness with Loki, her beloved - and an ability to get close to other people, too. she loves in a unique and powerful way.
T and swan are remarkable women. Tom, you are a pied piper - a complicated and charming man. i have no doubt about that. i have no doubt that if things had worked out differently, that The Heron Clan would have opened the circle, and embraced Loki and jewels as part of the family.
conversely, i have noted times when decisions have been made by Tom, that were seemingly arbitrary but nonetheless, were right for him and his family. i think that is what happened here - TO YOU - but really, was not ABOUT you. i could be wrong, but i am guessing that Loki and jewels, made the decision to not link with your family. i think they might have, had circumstances been otherwise, but the fact that jewels felt that their wasn't enough of a relationship between herself and Tom, added to factors that haven't yet been shared by her and who knows if they will or won't - but factors that i imagine, included long talks with Loki about what was shifting or potentially shifting with them, led them to making the decision to shut down their plans to visit you again.
you protect your wonderful T and swan, Tom. you make decisions - some swift, some take awhile to take form. as Sue wrote in another post, jewels wasn't a slave to you, nor was she submissive to you. she described jewels as being JUST like you.
my guess is that jewels decided to protect that which she has in her life and that she felt that you were juggling enough of your time between your work and the two "jewels" of your life, T and Sue. i don't get any sense that she intended to be hurtful but rather, she was being honest in her feelings and once she was sure, she didn't lead you on. i believe you would have done the same if you found yourself in a comparable situation.
one bit troubles me - and i say this and ALL of this, because even though i don't know any of you, i really, really care about you all. i think that by "outting" Loki and jewels, by using those parts of the email with their real names, was perhaps done out of anger or sadness - but damn, as a family that has made it clear that if your identities were revealed, it would mess up your work lives and compromise so many of the things that you do in this world - i would have thought that you'd have been so careful in never doing that to anyone, under any circumstances.
i have no doubt, that The Heron Clan, will get through this disappointment and ironically, i believe the "jewels chapter" had been very confronting and ultimately, a source of growth. i also know that it's very painful when we love someone and they don't love us or want us, in the same way.
i wish all of you - The Heron Clan and Loki and jewels - joy. and again, i thank all of you for your generosity in teaching so many of us about another level of self-awareness. your blogs make so many of us, have to think about things in new ways.
again, i wish ALL of you, only good thing.
regards,
naxie
ps - yes, i have a blog - no, i haven't opened up in it yet. i am building my courage up to do that.
thank you all for your positive thoughts and wishes....
ReplyDeleteand just for the record...Swan and I have NEVER been "jewels". We are very special, very loved, and very cared for. And that is precisely what and where we both want to be.
Thanks again,
T
so sorry that the word was offensive or rather, inaccurate.....i meant it in the kindest way, reflecting how treasured you both are, by Tom.
ReplyDeleteerica, only a person who creates posts called "the retard contingency" (or even the literacy to know that if you were to post that it would be "the retard contingent") and doesn't realize how grossly unethical that is, could possibly look at this and feel it is we who have violated trusts here.
ReplyDeleteThe single references to Loki's and Jewel's first names have been edited out. We won't even ask that the myriad first name refereces to our first names all over their Blog be edited. Who cares.........they are first names.
It is interesting this concept that in outing Internet Predators one should protect their identities, or that somehow folks could look at this and see Loki and jewels as having been victimized.
Tom
I don't know. I've sat here for most of the last 24 hours staring at this stupid screen. I haven't showered. i haven't shaved. It's like I can't quit looking at where this happened. I'm a mess. I was supposed to write a grant today. I didn't do anything but sit here. Now, when I have my teenage son for the weekend for the second time this year, I'm going to have to write a grant and not spend time with him because I couldn't discipline myself through this well enough to write. I just keep looking at these Blogs and going back and forth between them. It's like I can't leave seeing where "it" happened. I hate this sort of melodrama. I have to stop this and get back to my life.
ReplyDeleteHow can I have let this happen? How can I be this wounded? I let these energy vampires suck me in big time. They must be high fiving all over celebrating their successful sting. I can't beleive I did this or that I am permitting myself to be this weak in the face of it.
Tom
Tom,
ReplyDeleteYou said it..."I don't know"...I understand that can pretty much sum up ones feelings in this kind of a situation.
It is easy for others (or even onesself) to say what you should do, or how you should feel, however, you own your feelings...anger confusion, and most of all betrayal. You have a right to feel them. Taking a walk, or a shower will not make them go away. It is a process. It takes time, and wise and true friends (internet or otherwise) will recognize and understand that. The most anyone can do to help is to listen and be there for you.
Bo