The Collar Post x2

Well, you have seen Swan's collar. Lovely, I might add. Tom asked me to post a picture of mine. I have a traditional collar .... well, traditional for us. A chain mail strand, simple, straight-forward...nothing fancy. I have a BDSM logo on a chain. It is so heavy it cause me neck pain, so I seldom wear that. I also have the Heron pendant that I ALWAYS wear. I also have the ring that Tom got both Swan and I when we decided to become a family. BUT this is my "collar".

When Tom and I first decided to become D/s, I was thinking a simple something. Not sure what we were going to end up with, but I wanted something that I could wear daily, in professional settings. Something that didn't scream "SHE LIKES TO GET BEATEN!!!". I have a spare hole in my left ear. I mentioned an earring and Tom told me to find something I liked. I went for a simple gold ring. He said "NOOOOO!!!". So he took me shopping and we went to a local, independent jeweler. Tom told him what we were looking for... something special, unusual, something that I would not see pass me on the street. When the jeweler learned that we wanted only 1 earring, he said "I have just the thing...". He went back into his shop and brought out this. He said he had not made the mate for it yet, and that if we wanted it, he would never make another. It is a simple 18k gold ring with 3 places on it that have a trio wrap of platinum.... little did we know at the time, that 3 was going to be a magical number for us!


I was collared to Tom in a simple ceremony before friends and then promptly whupped.


I NEVER remove my collar. It is more important to me that my engagement/wedding rings. When I have had medical procedures that require jewelry removal, Tom holds them all until I am in recovery. And I always ask for my collar back as soon as I am awake.


T

Two Wives (reprise)

We were preparing dinner last evening when T came through my patio door grinning from ear to ear. "He's a riot," she told me.



She and He had been talking as He grilled hamburgers for our dinner, and the conversation had turned to the subject of our upcoming anniversary. He and I have an "anniversary" of sorts that comes up in the first week of June. It marks the date of my arrival here in Cincinnati to live, after making the move from Colorado. As we finish next week, that date will roll around again to mark six years of my residence here, as part of the family.



As the conversation was repeated to me, T suggested to Himself, that it might be good to get a card for me for that date.



She told me that He looked at her with a look of shock on His face that she interpreted as, "I don't know where to buy a card!" She took pity on Him and asked Him if He wanted her to buy a card for Him to give me. Of course, He replied in the affirmative. Then, because my sister-heart can be a smart alek, she inquired whether He wanted her to buy a card for "their" anniversary (which will happen about 10 days later). He simply looked at her and told her, "No. sue has already got a card for you."


Years ago, as we prepared for His knee replacement surgery, a physical therapist that we were dealing with, got a sense of what our relational configuration is, and asked Him, "why would anyone want two wives?" We laughed about it at the time, but clearly, the answer is that with two wives, a guy never has to worry about buying wife gifts or cards. We take care of that for Him -- each of us buys the gifts and the cards and the flowers for the other one. And then we have Him sign the cards and give the gifts at the appropriate moment. Two wives can take care of each other, and He never needs to worry about it.



swan

Collar Question

Hermione asked this question in response to my post "Seasons of Slavery:"

I am just curious about the collar you mentioned above. Do you wear your collar to school? If so, is it hidden?

I know I've talked about the collar that I wear in other posts, but this is a direct question that I really probably haven't addressed previously.

I actually wear three different pieces of jewelry that speak to my status as "His." The first is the chain maille collar that He and T picked out for me at an Ohio Leather Fest event several years ago. It is, formally, the collar that we mean when we use the word "collar." It fastens with a simple "S" hook. I also wear a BDSM logo pendant and our Heron totem pendant together on a simple silver chain. The other piece is a striking ring that has 9 stones (a cross between a garnet and an amethyst -- I don't remember the name of the gemstone) in a chevron design on a plain gold band. It was a gift from Master and T just before we made the move to live together. T has one that is the exact match.

I do not wear the collar to school. It is too large to be effectively hidden, and too provacative to be worn at school without causing a stir. During the school week, I take the collar off in the morning when I shower, and put it back on in the afternoon when I arrive home. I wear it throughout the weekend, and during all the holiday times. Unless there is some event where the collar would be "awkward," I wear it at all times outside of the school day.

I do wear my BDSM/Heron pendants to school. Generally, I keep them hidden, but not always. They do not usually evoke much interest. And, I wear the ring. Those two pieces are reminders to me, through the course of the day, as to who I am and to whom I belong.

swan

New Status

On the last Sunday of each month, we join Master's father for a wonderful gourmet brunch served at the independent living center where he now resides. For $15.00 ($7.00 for Grandpa) each, there is more wonderful food than we can possibly eat: prime rib, stuffed flounder, grits, chicken cordon bleu, fresh fruit, corn pudding, shrimp cocktail, steamed crab legs, hash brown potatoes, wonderful green beans and sweet potatoes, a host of muffins, pancakes, and rolls, made to order omelettes, roast turkey, and a wealth of desserts --all washed down with champagne.

It is, for us, a time to sit and spend some relaxed and gently paced time with the ninety-year-old man who is parent to the wonderful Man that T and I love so dearly. For Grandpa, it is an opportunity to show off a bit -- "this is my family." Really, it is a lovely bit of time in our month.

With all of that said, I still find that I fuss about getting to this particular "thing." It is another one of those places that has come to feel awkward and oppressive to me as I assume that nebulous role in the context of the family. We would never, ever confront Grandpa with our particular living situation. He wouldn't understand, and knowing would distress him terribly.

So, at these things, as people encounter us, and enquire as to "who these people are with you, Grandpa?," I have learned to simply exit the conversation mentally. Whatever explanation that is given for my presence, I find it is simpler to allow my hearing issues to take me away from the situation and let those around me work out the details of "who I am."

It was that escape mechanism that caused me to miss the moment yesterday.

It happened that some of the other residents of the facility stopped by our table to chat, and asked the inevitable question about Dad's dining partners. He never missed a beat. He simply said, "This is my son, and my daughter-in-law, and my other daughter-in-law." Just like that, without question or fuss or upset, I have been taken in and made a part.

It is a thing that makes my heart glad, and moves me to tears. I haven't really paid too much attention to it just yet -- except to be amazed. It is so amazing that this very upright, very proper man, who has seemed so rigid, has come to give me this space. Somehow, that matters to me -- very much.

swan

Seasons of Slavery

Just a few days ago Kaya wrote about the issues and struggles that are associated with the transition from being a "full-time, stay-at-home slave" to a slave who works outside the home for some portion of the week. I've never had the luxury of that particular lifestyle option, but I can imagine that it is a complicated path to negotiate. Here's a severely edited version of some of what kaya wrote about it all:

I’ve ... recently returned to work after living as a full-time slave...it’s mostly a power thing...earning an income definitely puts me up there on an equal pedestal...getting my work clothes ready and organizing my stuff on Sunday evening ... flipped my slave switch to off ...working, there’s always a conflict between work and it’s associated activities...there just ain’t enough room for Master to receive priority... this job interferes in our lifestyle

That discussion has tipped me into the contemplation of the impending annual transition from working professional to "stay-at-home" summer slave. I understand that my cycling through the year, moving in and out of the workplace/home settings as the school year rounds, is not nearly the same thing as being at home knowing that "at home" is where you will be for as far into the future as anyone can see. I am and I will continue to be a slave who also has a career for as long as He finds that path to be a positive benefit to the household. I will continue to make the daily transition in and out of my collar as I leave and return from my teaching, and I will continue to make the transition from "worker" to "stay-at-home" slave as well.



We struggle through every school year. The imposed limits in terms of time and flexibility are always difficult and challenging for us. For each and all of the nine + months of the academic year, my energy and focus must be, to a very large degree, on the demands of my teaching work. Our M/s does not go away through those months, but it does get adjusted and shifted. That is a choice and a decision that we make, as adults, in full cognizance of the realities and practicalities of our life. The simple fact is that the salary (and benefits) that I bring into our household are important to our continued ability to live in the fashion that we prefer. There is the possibility of making other choices, and changing the way we live, but at present, this is the path we follow.



The other part of the story, for me, and for us, is that the summer break from school means that I drop back into the home-bound mode. It is a good and joyous thing for us because it gives us more time and more flexibility and more leeway to relate in ways that are very difficult during the school year. Still, I almost always go through a period of adjustment. My home days are slower. They are less "mine" and way more "His." I spend more time either alone or with Him, and I have very little contact with others outside the house. My focus narrows.



That is neither good nor bad. It just is. I know, from experience, that the change isn't usually something that is automatic or entirely smooth for me. It requires some energy and attention for me to get my mind and heart settled into the different routines of the summer months. If I'm paying attention, and working at it with awareness and intention, I am usually "there" within a very few days, and then we cruise along through the warm, summer days -- trying not to look ahead at the point on the calendar where I'll need to shift back into the other mode as September bears down on us.



So. OK. Not the fantasy, idyllic situation that I or we might be able to envision if this were a perfect world. I can muster up plenty of wishes that things be different, and a strong desire to just shuck all that "working for a living" nonsense and stay home to help Him get ready to go work each day, to cook good meals, and keep the house tidy, and make sure the laundry is handled, and maintain the flower beds, etc. Wishes are fine, but life is what it is. This might not be the most perfect manifestation of slavery imaginable. It is the life we have, and it is pretty darn wonderful. So, I'll continue to shift and accommodate to the ebb and flow of my days and weeks and months. I'll work to remember who and what I am and to make that true in my life. Whether I am padding around the house, or managing my classroom, it is what He wants from me, and I will keep doing it as best I can; mindful always, that what I do serves and honors Him.



swan

Why do you Submit?

Greenwoman asked this question in response to the "Safe Words" post:

Do you yield in those moments of resistance because of fear of pain/displeasure or because you choose it....feeling curious. I've not had a punishment dynamic in my relationships really. So I read and watch closely about it when reading other blogs. I'm curious how you feel about it.

It is an interesting query. I don't think that I really spend much time contemplating and analyzing the "whys" behind my submission. Mostly, I think, it is what I do because it is who I am, and who we are together. Still, there are more than enough times when I struggle or pout or rage (and the act of submission becomes more conscious and more difficult) that it seems worth considering WHY, and how, I submit in those instances.

Let me address the nature of the dynamic between us first. I really don't see that what we have is a "punishment dynamic." There is, as anyone who has been around here for awhile knows, the potential for real punishment to occur in our relationship should my choices make that a necessity. He has the authority to determine when and if there has been some behavior that needs correction. It is always a difficult and challenging occurance for me physically -- and for us both on an emotional level. It is also relatively rare, and not at all the foundation of our relationship.

The real ground of our relationship is in the consciously chosen and deliberately defined power exchange that we practice. He has ownership of me, and I have consented to and fully agreed to that state of affairs. That arrangement/agreement between us arises out of our very significant complementaty sexual/erotic orientations, and is supported and enriched by our love for one another. In practice, it means that there are patterns and expectations that require my submission in all sorts of things -- and it means that (for the most part) that submission is to be freely given, not dragged from me.

Neither of us are inclined to a power exchange that is created out of force or coercion -- that would fall into the realm of abuse (at least by our lights). I give. He does not have to force that, drag it out of me, or beat me to achieve or maintain it. Generally, that understanding of what we are about means that we proceed relatively peacefully, and without a lot of drama and battling.

But, I am far from perfect. I can be moody, resentful, angry, out of sorts, and just plain bent over the seeming unfairness of things sometimes. All of those tend to ratchet up the level of difficulty that I have in coming to the place of willing and reasonable submission. If it happens that I am "having a moment," and that coincides with Him deciding to play "Uber-sadist," it is much more difficult for me to find my way to the "yes, Sir" that is really the requirement and expectation. In those moments, I (usually) make choices about submitting that are born out of a whole jumble of internal monologs that I can run if needed. I talk to myself about being good, about keeping my promises, about being His, about loving Him, about just getting through this one -- and this one -- and this one, about not wanting the control, about the meaning of the collar I wear, about where the anger or resentment belongs, about knowing that I will not die no matter what I might feel like in the moment, etc. There is even a dangerous, and volatile set of scripts that I can drop into that run along the lines of "I hate this, I hate YOU (Him), and when I get lose I am going to fucking KILL You, You bastard!" I try not to go there. The potential for falling off the edge into the darkness is way too great. Still, sometimes letting the anger and misery flow is a good way to work it.

I guess, the real answer is that belonging to this Man makes me happy. I feel most secure and most at peace when the connection between us is strong and vibrant. For both of us, that strong bond is, to some large degree, formed in the intensity of our SM interactions. I need to submit, and He is the One who can elicit that response from me.

Conscious power-based relationship dynamics can take us to places we might not anticipate or predict. Surely, for me as a submissive, the dynamic requires that I be willing to go wherever He chooses to take me (and us). I am completely aware that His choices in that regard are made with love, but not always with a view to what might make me happy in the moment. I am still willing to go where He leads. That is a willingness born of love, of deep knowledge of one another, and of rock-solid trust. It has grown as we have come to know each other better. It is different today than it was in the early days. I expect it will become more defined and more sure and more mature as we go forward together. That is the nature of good, long-standing relationships. I am not always easy with it; I still struggle; I have days when I fuss and fume -- but more often than not, I am there, where He wants me, with my heartfelt assent to His commands.

swan

Safe Words

Morningstar wrote recently about the place of safe words, and the whole BDSM slogan of SSC (safe, sane, and consensual). Her ponderings on the topic were triggered (at least in part) by kaya's recent experiences and her discussion of the lack of safe words within her relationship.

As I have followed the conversation, I've been made aware (again) of the philosophy regarding "safety" and the practice regarding safe words in our relationship.

First with regard to the general issue of safety, all of us believe and that those who participate in the lifestyle should pay attention to issues of safety, and that individuals must be responsible for ensuring their own safety. When we encounter people who are first reaching out to others and meeting relative or TOTAL strangers for the purpose of engaging in BDSM, we encourage, and even harp upon the use of common safety procedures and practices -- like safe calls. We have served as the safe call on more than one occasion, and YES we have called the police when a pre-arranged safe call did not come as scheduled.


Safe words are another practice that engenders a great deal of discussion among lifestyle practitioners. There are surely commonly understood protocols and widely taught procedures around how safe words work. We know all the "accepted" safe word theories and practices. We don't follow the "rules."

For us, the use of safe words is very clearly defined. I am expected, and even required, to safe word -- IF there is anything happening that is unsafe. The definition is very clear. Unsafe would be some condition that would threaten my health or well-being. So, if I am having chest pains or trouble breathing, or serious unusual or unexplained numbness, or a loss of vision, -- I better be making that clear to Him immediately. He absolutely demands that in a situation where my actual "safety" is jeopardized, I have the obligation and requirement to make sure He knows about it.

In His view, and hence, in mine, the fact that something He is doing hurts, or that I am panicked, frightened, angry, resentful, or just not in the mood, do not constitute safety issues. Any move on my part to end or control a session under those circumstances, results in immediate and convincing corrective measures. I don't get to grab the control in that fashion. It simply is not allowed. Safe words are to ensure my safety. Period.

I believe that, if I were allowed to pull that sort of power grab, I very likely would -- at least sometimes. It is not all that uncomon for me to feel pushed beyond what would feel like MY limits in a session. If I were given the freedom to make the call, I'd most likely call it off, and so miss out on the chance to go the distance and find myself on the other side. That would be a pity.

In actual practice, I very seldom find myself in any distress that He doesn't already recognize. I can, and have, asked for His indulgence if I find myself dealing with circumstances that are not "life-threatening" but are causing me distress. So for example, since getting my "old, creaky" frame arranged as it needs to be is not as easy as it once was, He may slow down and wait while I arrange or rearrange. Sometimes, He will allow me extra time, or take a break while I work out a cramp. Those kinds of situations are not my call -- I may ask but I don't control the situation. He deals with whatever information I might give Him in those instances as He will.

I know that there are many who always play with safe words. We do play in public venues where there are accepted norms for how and what works as a safe word. For those who are "new" and "exploring" and possibly playing with multiple partners, it probably makes sense to have some sort of understanding about communicating things like "continue" and "stop" and "slow down" -- especially in cases where the power dynamic is still in the formative stage. It just isn't our way.