Why do you Submit?

Greenwoman asked this question in response to the "Safe Words" post:

Do you yield in those moments of resistance because of fear of pain/displeasure or because you choose it....feeling curious. I've not had a punishment dynamic in my relationships really. So I read and watch closely about it when reading other blogs. I'm curious how you feel about it.

It is an interesting query. I don't think that I really spend much time contemplating and analyzing the "whys" behind my submission. Mostly, I think, it is what I do because it is who I am, and who we are together. Still, there are more than enough times when I struggle or pout or rage (and the act of submission becomes more conscious and more difficult) that it seems worth considering WHY, and how, I submit in those instances.

Let me address the nature of the dynamic between us first. I really don't see that what we have is a "punishment dynamic." There is, as anyone who has been around here for awhile knows, the potential for real punishment to occur in our relationship should my choices make that a necessity. He has the authority to determine when and if there has been some behavior that needs correction. It is always a difficult and challenging occurance for me physically -- and for us both on an emotional level. It is also relatively rare, and not at all the foundation of our relationship.

The real ground of our relationship is in the consciously chosen and deliberately defined power exchange that we practice. He has ownership of me, and I have consented to and fully agreed to that state of affairs. That arrangement/agreement between us arises out of our very significant complementaty sexual/erotic orientations, and is supported and enriched by our love for one another. In practice, it means that there are patterns and expectations that require my submission in all sorts of things -- and it means that (for the most part) that submission is to be freely given, not dragged from me.

Neither of us are inclined to a power exchange that is created out of force or coercion -- that would fall into the realm of abuse (at least by our lights). I give. He does not have to force that, drag it out of me, or beat me to achieve or maintain it. Generally, that understanding of what we are about means that we proceed relatively peacefully, and without a lot of drama and battling.

But, I am far from perfect. I can be moody, resentful, angry, out of sorts, and just plain bent over the seeming unfairness of things sometimes. All of those tend to ratchet up the level of difficulty that I have in coming to the place of willing and reasonable submission. If it happens that I am "having a moment," and that coincides with Him deciding to play "Uber-sadist," it is much more difficult for me to find my way to the "yes, Sir" that is really the requirement and expectation. In those moments, I (usually) make choices about submitting that are born out of a whole jumble of internal monologs that I can run if needed. I talk to myself about being good, about keeping my promises, about being His, about loving Him, about just getting through this one -- and this one -- and this one, about not wanting the control, about the meaning of the collar I wear, about where the anger or resentment belongs, about knowing that I will not die no matter what I might feel like in the moment, etc. There is even a dangerous, and volatile set of scripts that I can drop into that run along the lines of "I hate this, I hate YOU (Him), and when I get lose I am going to fucking KILL You, You bastard!" I try not to go there. The potential for falling off the edge into the darkness is way too great. Still, sometimes letting the anger and misery flow is a good way to work it.

I guess, the real answer is that belonging to this Man makes me happy. I feel most secure and most at peace when the connection between us is strong and vibrant. For both of us, that strong bond is, to some large degree, formed in the intensity of our SM interactions. I need to submit, and He is the One who can elicit that response from me.

Conscious power-based relationship dynamics can take us to places we might not anticipate or predict. Surely, for me as a submissive, the dynamic requires that I be willing to go wherever He chooses to take me (and us). I am completely aware that His choices in that regard are made with love, but not always with a view to what might make me happy in the moment. I am still willing to go where He leads. That is a willingness born of love, of deep knowledge of one another, and of rock-solid trust. It has grown as we have come to know each other better. It is different today than it was in the early days. I expect it will become more defined and more sure and more mature as we go forward together. That is the nature of good, long-standing relationships. I am not always easy with it; I still struggle; I have days when I fuss and fume -- but more often than not, I am there, where He wants me, with my heartfelt assent to His commands.

swan