In a New Place

Master does not engage in Punishment casually. Correction that is intended to bring my service into closer alignment withHis wishes happens whenever He feels something needs to be adjusted, and is often gentle and nurturing, but punishment for serious infractions is another matter altogether. It is a rare event, and when it occurs, it is intended to make a major change and leave a lasting impression.

This time was no exception. The attitudinal change He evoked was immediate and definitive. The impression was certainly lasting. I am ALMOST healed. The bruising that was left disspated farily quickly. Whip marks cut deep... The whole event sent me deep, emotionally. Not into darkness, but into quiet and still places, where I drew close to Him in ways I have not done for a very long time. I've found myself pulled back into His orbit again, steadied in the force of His energy. I have found a sense, once again, of who I am... a sense that has felt very dilute for a very long time.

It is difficult to slave when you lose your center -- when you are consumed by an elemental and unexplainable fear that simply will not go away. For many, many months, I've done all the nominally "right" things, and withheld the essential core of my being. I've "submitted," but with reluctance and without any true joy. The sheer delight in being His has been gone; there's been no "lightness" to this for me. When two people know each other as we do, that cannot be hidden. He has accepted what I've given, and been disappointed and saddened.

I don't think that the punishment was, in itself, the turning point; although perhaps the storm that precipitated it might have been part of that. Perhaps I needed to simply come to the peak of my own personal crisis of faith and be willing to lay all that ugliness and self-doubt and anger and bitterness at His feet, and in His lap (even the parts of it that were aimed at Him -- rightly or wrongly), in order to let it go enough to move on. Whatever, I am quieter in my mind, and lighter in my heart. The "issues" that have plagued me are NOT resolved, although "The Wizard" is working on it. I am a little bit hopeful, maybe...

In the meantime, there is this -- I went to Him yesterday, for the first time in a very long time, and asked (in a tiny, scared, little, bitty voice) if He might have just a few minutes in His very busy schedule for a bit of spanking... DEEP BREATH... It is always a risk to ask this sort of thing of Him. There is no controlling the outcome from that moment on. No asking for a "nice" spanking. No backing out. No changing my mind.

He was, I think, thrilled to oblige me. At least, my ass, feels as if that must have been the case. He went after it all with great enthusiasm, and I was able to ask for the things that help me cope in the beginning of a session: my collar, some restraints, the "fluffy" throw that gives me something to hold on to... It seemed He worked a lot with the 5-fingered tawse. That can be intense, but at least it is leather and not wood or lexan. I managed, after a bit to breathe some, and catch the rhythm, and at some point, I think I slipped into a good space and flew for a bit -- to a place where I haven't been in an awfully long time.

After that, I'm not entirely sure... Clearly, from what I can see, today, there was more... Even more than that, I feel good about that knowledge...

swan