Well, so many of you continue to support and encourage and cheer from the sidelines, and I am so very, very grateful -- you can't know...
And then there was this "interesting question" from jo, that set me to thinking in a different direction -- Could it be (just something that crossed my mind reading you) a reaction about something else than the surgery? You wrote often how disturbed you were about Tom searching for another submissive... Could it be disturbing enough to take you away from the relationship... Like disinvesting yourself from it in advance, because of the pain you expect and looked at as being 'replaced'?
That's the sort of direct and blunt question that I was initially inclined to duck, because there's hard stuff there. But, I've tried, as long as I've done this, to tackle the hard stuff, so let me see if I can talk my way through some of the bits that are attached to that...
The "truth" that I think lies here exposed is that I've had a year that has challenged and "disturbed" me on many levels.
The hysterectomy certainly has been a very large and real part of that. I was not nearly prepared for the enormity of the physical or emotional challenges that I would face following what was presented as a pretty straightforward "fix" to what had been very difficult "girl" issues that had plagued me for many years. To say that my doctor soft-pedaled the potential impacts of that "fix" would be a huge understatement. You've all read it -- in full, miserable detail...
But my world was rcked before all of that, and jo has got a piece of what that is about -- but it is more more complicated than I think her question implies...
The connection late last summer and into the early fall with "jewels" taught me several tough lessons:
- I learned what should have been obvious to one who claims the label of slave: "that I am not in control in this relationship." It just didn't matter that all my instincts were that there were real questionable "undercurrents" from the start, but my instincts weren't going to change the course of events.
- I learned that He loves me, but that even that fact won't sway Him from His direction. It may pain Him that a chosen direction causes me emotional pain, but He will leave me to deal with that if I insist on taking that on.
- I learned (again) that I am a person who has control issues. I've elected to cede control to Him, and that is good for me, but it is not always easy... When I am frightened, that becomes even harder.
It really didn't make anything better, when it was all over and done with, that my instincts were proven correct. The foundations had been rocked. The neat, tidy, little world we'd built together as a family -- that I'd come to understand -- had been blown wide open, and I was left feeling as if I'd dropped into metaphorical interpersonal freefall...
So, jo has it partly right -- there has been some part of me that pulled in and pulled away. I did react, and try to "protect" myself emotionally from some pretty intense emotional responses and reactions. That's, I think, a simple reality. It isn't one that I'm especially proud of.
Maybe He saw it happening. Maybe He believed it would just work itself out. Maybe He felt some of it was justified. Maybe, in all the swirl of everything else, it was simply too difficult to figure out what was what with me...
Whatever, the impact of the stew has been to create storms and struggles and hard places. No one ever said this was going to be easy. We've elected, both of us, to stay with it. He has not let me go. He has, sometimes gently, and sometimes more forcefully, exerted His ownership and His control. He has asserted His right to choose to relate as He will and where He will. Through it all, He has loved me, guided me, supported me, cared for me, insisted that I stay present, open, and honest.
I've learned. I've grown. I've struggled. This is the life I chose. The life I choose.
swan
I think all this is true, but too, we have hard data from the women’s sexual health specialist, who has now analyzed swan's hormone study, that she in fact is testosterone deficient and that there is every reason for her to be medically unable to acheive arousal, orgasm, or to have libidinal drive. The fact is that for women to function sexually there is an endocrinologically very complex combination of (we're told) 17 hormones that have to come together in just the right balance. Swans's is way out of balance in the aftermath of her surgery. He is prescribing hormone replacement therapy to restore that. While all sorts of psycho-sexual dynamics could be in play, as always in any relationship, the reality is that, at present, and until the replacement therapy takes effect, swan's sexual response is a physiological impossibility.
ReplyDeleteWe are all hoping that her hormonal equilibrium will be restored soon.
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
This post reminded me (and ugh at the memory, lol) of my January this year. Right smack in the middle of trying to find a place for each of us in the triad we were trying to create, right as I was starting to feel uncomfortable vibes from Liz that B just wasn't seeing, we spent another evening together the three of us. It was the first time that I'd had Liz in my home, my own personal space, our bed, etc.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't orgasm for almost exactly a month afterwards.
And that was after feeling that the evening had gone exceptionally well, smoothly, and was a success.
Don't want to make this all about mememe, because I know that one month without cumming is nothing like what you've been experiencing. My meds can contribute to difficulties which find me crying with frustration and B saying "you can't, can you, babygirl?" and petting and soothing me... but it's an occasional thing, so I don't complain.
I guess I just wanted to say that while the physical parts are clearly at issue, it's good that you recognize there may be other factors in play. And I'm still pulling for you and sending you the best.
(had to be a long comment since it's been so long since I posted one, lol)