The week of prescribed paddlings ended, explosively. All the paddlings delivered as promised. When the time came for the last one, I was bitter, resentful, enraged, hurt. My anger boiled over and I exploded. Broke all the rules. Raged and stormed and flailed.
He simply held me and let the storm expend itself. When I was done and exhausted, the penalty was extracted in full. That there were antecedents for the outburst is not important. That the penalty has been paid is.
The marks and bruises will fade in time. The week is finished. I am calmer. We will go on.
swan
I have nothing to offer whatsoever on this post.. but I hope you can forgive me just saying.. thank GOD that miserable spider is no longer showing when I load your page!
ReplyDelete*hugs*
You say you are calmer but did the daily paddling have the effect you both desired?
ReplyDelete"keep me more clearly mindful of who I am and to whom I belong"
"will limit the tendency to crank up into emotional hurricanes"
I had my own 'emotional hurricane' (to steal your words) this last weekend, something I'm still, and again, trying to rationalize and make sense of.
And more importantly, how *does* your butt feel? ;-)
~kaya
glad that the waters have calmed for you for a bit.
ReplyDeletekaya -- If I had goals, I don't know that I achieved them. If He had goals, He'll have to speak to how He feels about the "level of accomplishment." That the routine came to an end seems to speak to that as far as I'm concerned.
ReplyDeleteI survived. It is sufficient.
I ended up feeling dreadfully bruised by the end. And then I escalated things and making it much, much worse. Add to that, now, significant damage due to the whipping and the state of my butt is -- notable. I'll heal. Am healing. Enough said.
swan
Swan is much less depressed and agitated, we are much more connected, and she is behaving far more respectfully than at the beginning of this forray into routine discipline. I think she acted out and catharted a good bit of angst and anger about her post surgical sexual dysfunction. Her sense of betrayal by the Dr.s, and life, and me in this process seems to be lessened. She also is reminded very emphatically what the limits of appropriately repectful behavior are in this household no matter how saddened or angry we become.
ReplyDeleteShe feels like my swan again when I hold her. She was not feeling that way at the beginning of this week. That makes this all feel worthwhile.
All the best:)
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
"She also is reminded very emphatically what the limits of appropriately repectful behavior are in this household no matter how saddened or angry we become."
ReplyDeleteOy. There's a lesson that's hard to learn.
Thank you for responding. :)
kaya