What's the Answer?

We've settled into a sort of pattern these days. It comes from agreeing, tacitly, to not look too closely at the "THING" that continues to lurk in the corner that we try not to acknowledge. Our pattern, therefore is that we "play" sort of, and then, because that always works to get Master turned on, we fuck.

And that is a good thing. Sometimes, it is even a playful sort of thing. I'll not embarass Him by sharing all the secrets about how exactly that occurs or the delightful and joyful ways that He expresses the pleasure that He finds in that. It does give me a good deal of happiness, though to know that I am able to make Him so happy.

So, I was surprised, the other day, when He asked me, "you really don't get anything out of this, do you?" The question just caught me off guard, and I honestly didn't know what to say...

It's got to be obvious that I'm not achieving orgasm. Can we not get into THAT discussion? Please.
It isn't terrible. Not painful. I'm not disliking the activity, itself.
I'm glad that it is good for Him.
I wish something else were happening.
I'm trying not to be too hung up on that, one way or the other. Trying not to let the "not" part of that be an issue in the equation here, because there's nothing He or I can do about it...
I'm sad and disappointed and wistful, but life goes on. Right?

Not sure any of that was the "right" answer. Truthful, but maybe not the right way to respond. Sigh. Damn!

We'll go to the Sex Doctor again next week. He'll have his blood work back, and I guess maybe there'll be suggestions about what we do next. What the steps are to take to begin moving forward here. I feel like Dorothy, having watched the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Lion all get their goodies from the Wizard of Oz... I'm pretty sure there's nothing in that bag of tricks for me... It's going to take way more than a hot air balloon to "get me back to Kansas..."

Meanwhile, I find myself with late night fantasies that I cling to for some small bit of release -- faint and fleeting. Generally, it is an indulgence that I find myself engaging in at 3AM when the world is dark and still. The story in my head is quite definitely D/s and SM; quite surely about He and I, but one that I am afraid to think about too clearly, to even share out loud, because I am so wimpy these days that I know I'd never make it through what He'd do with my dark longings...

So, we go on. He spanks as He will. I hurt and fuck whenever. Life continues to swirl us along.

We have this day together. More than we once imagined we would be given.

swan