About Moving forward with Intention and Integrity

I am going to try to do this without projecting too much of my own life and assumptions onto this set of questions, but there is just too much here for me to let this go without a statement that makes my position clear. The "anonymous" commenter on my last post wrote:

"You and i have only conversed just briefly in my endeavors, but your situation then, makes for very close makings of the situation that i currently set in, although i am not the "mover."What advice would you give to someone in your shoes? Especially someone who is relocating not just within the US but someone who is relocating from Canada? Also, since the situation is slightly different (the significant other in her life is not aware of the relationships outside and is completely unaware of the plans...) is there anything you could say that might make this any easier for them?I have pointed them to this blog, but would love some advice to pass along. It's been two long years for her to be with her Sir, and I... well, I KNOW how difficult a move is and how sometimes even if you are not happy, to leave comfort and have change is not easy. I personally, would like to see her commit to a date...."



Honestly, I am not at all sure who this person is, but it just doesn't matter. THIS does --



When I and WE made the decisions that we made to embark on the polyamorous nature of our relationship, we did that with the full knowledge of everyone involved. We worked really hard at making sure that everyone had all the time and support and understanding and space they needed to be able to come to that decision with awareness and openess and intent and integrity. We were as careful as we knew how to be that our process was honest and straightforward and open at every step.



Even with all of that, we struggled mightily, and there were costs and losses and hurts. The changes that we undertook were not easy and the adjustments that we made were demanding and involved every one of us in some really intense growth. Even with all of our best intentions and efforts, there was a divorce and that was not something that any of us planned on or expected when we set off on this path. I think, in retrospect that it turned out for the best, but that doesn't change the fact that it was a difficult and demanding and painful loss and transition.



When I say that I wouldn't trade a single day of this last five years, I mean that sincerely. However, I do not encourage others to follow the path I followed, and I surely do not believe that anyone ought to do what I did without making sure they understand the risks and costs that may come to be part of the path ahead. I don't regret paying the cost because I believe I gained way more than I gave up in the transition, but that doesn't mean the costs weren't there. They were.



I guess, since the "anonymous" person asked for advice, I'd say, "STOP! If there is/are significant other(s) who do not know about these relationship dynamics, then there is a huge gap in the information that needs to be conveyed before any sort of moving forward could occur with any sort of openeness and integrity. Until everyone is "in the loop," and aware of what is going on, there isn't anything that seems like "polyamory," and maybe poly isn't the goal here. Perhaps, the end result is that there is going to be one relationship ending as another begins. That happens far more often in these circumstances than OUR kind of solution does. Still, it does seem to me that it is important to know what is intended. Until that is clear, the decision to "move" can't be addressed.

I think it is easy to imagine that when I got that very clear directive to "get here this summer" that there were no antecedents to that. It simply isn't that case. We'd done the work ahead of that to make the command and the response to it make sense -- not just for He and I, but for the others around us.

This is grown up relating that we are talking about. It challenges us to handle our emotions and our attachments with maturity and responsibility and wisdom and compassion. If there are tough choices to be made, that is as it may be. But to move recklessly and without due caution and attention to the realities is foolhardy and unkind and asking for disaster.

swan