Like for instance...
Dreams and fantasies. If I've got hold of some fantasy, then (please note my pouty face) it is MY fantasy/dream, and I do not appreciate having it messed with -- thank you very much!
Which is exactly where things got interesting last weekend.
I woke up from a dream that felt sexy. I was turned on and feeling positive and hopeful about what we might be able to do with that in terms of playing together if we could tag onto those feelings. One of the things that I struggle with in terms of our SM is that it is (from my perspective) usually intense right from the start. I almost always feel as if I am scrambling to keep up and hold on. There is never anytime for me to "catch" up with it and get the benefit of the endorphins that might help me ride the wave. And there is very little that feels "sexy" within that context, so there is the emotional/intellectual "pleasure" of knowing that I'm submitting (and hopefully pleasing Him), but generally no physical or erotic pleasure.
So, as
He woke up, I shared my dream with Him. It wasn't really complicated. I'd been dreaming of some small jaw-style hair clips being put onto my nipples and labia, and then as the pain of that built and built, I'd "slipped" into a spanking that was way more erotic than what I usually experience. It was, for me, a gateway fantasy -- an imagined pathway from small and building bits of pain up toward the more difficult levels where we usually play. Simple, I thought.
He woke up, I shared my dream with Him. It wasn't really complicated. I'd been dreaming of some small jaw-style hair clips being put onto my nipples and labia, and then as the pain of that built and built, I'd "slipped" into a spanking that was way more erotic than what I usually experience. It was, for me, a gateway fantasy -- an imagined pathway from small and building bits of pain up toward the more difficult levels where we usually play. Simple, I thought.Right away, as soon as I'd spoken the words, He took off with it. First it was, that He would put the clips on me and then send me out to cut switches. Then He decided to paddle me first before starting in with the clips, and then again once they were on -- using one of the more wicked paddles in the arsenal.
It just made me angry. No slow entry. No gateway. Intensity right from the start. By the time we finally got to the clips, I was OVER IT. It wasn't going to be MY dream. It was His. He'd taken what I'd given Him and run off with it. AND that wasn't the end of it either. The clips would need to be removed by whipping them off...
I was hysterically frightened and furiously angry. At some point, I was full on in flight mode, slammed up against the far wall, defiantly refusing to have anything to do with it all. I did eventually get back into position and back in line, but there was no joy and nothing sexy left in the whole business. It was misery and torment and anguish and panic.
It has taken me most of the week to work it out. To understand that I don't get to have MY fantasies; don't get to expect to have some sort of soft, easy, lead in to sessions. It has been a week where I've whirled through the seemingly mundane stuff of my "normal" life while I chewed on what felt like the complete disaster of that encounter.
My initial reaction, after it was all over with, was that I just need to stop sharing my dreams and my fantasies. After all, it never goes well and I just end up disappointed and frustrated. I knew, even as I thought that thought, that it was falacious, but I needed to calm down and consider before I could get hold of the understanding that I don't have the RIGHT to expect that my dreams or fantasies will be played out as I like them just because I might want it that way. This, too, is His and not mine.
That is not easy to accept. I want to, sometimes, be helped into this; to be gentled along just a little. It feels grim and dismal to face a lifetime of sessions which will be mismatched to my "speed," and therefore almost always terribly difficult and distressing. Part of me wishes there were some option, some alternative, some fall back position.
And then I remember myself. Try to find the quiet place. Try to settle down and remember that it won't always end in disaster. Try to remind myself that there are the times when I do fly. And try to stay clear that it doesn't matter because it is all up to Him.
swan
I'm just madly nodding like a bobble-head over here.
ReplyDeleteI think I've learned to not let myself go into the specifics of "my" fantasies, not even to myself. In that way I'm avoiding the inevitable crash when He fails to follow the "script" in my head.
kaya
i too have tried to share fantasies.. and i have never been sure swan.. if it was that the fantasy didn't translate to real life.. or if He changed it enough so that it didn't fit my fantasy but maybe His... i do know for sure that it didn't work on many levels.....
ReplyDeleteand the other thing i have to comment on .. "small jaw style hair clips"??!!! on your nipples !!! and labia!!! wow.. for me that is ONE impressive fantasy..that would have been it for me.. finished.. nothing left to give .... i would have been cringing and crying and turning into a total mess of blubbering subbie..
but as you know .. i too have times that i just hang on .. waiting for it to be all over.. white knuckling it i have come to call it...
sometimes what we do is just not sensual or romantic.. and no way to write to make it so... and sometimes the hardiest thing ! is remembering it really isn't about us.. but about THEM.. it does make me pout some days...
morningstar (owned by Warren)
this is a part of slavery i can't wrap any part of me around. which is not to say i'm in judgment about whether it's right or wrong or any one else might not have a different experience, etc. your post invites me to wonder again to what end we surrender our wants, our opinions, our sense of self, where is the line between what is mine and what is ________ (Master's, God's, my significant other's, my community's, family's, work's, etc.)? and wonder too, what do we deserve just by being and why? surely, you have given much of your power of choice to your Master. does that giving preclude having at least some of your individual wants or needs met in the manner that fits your well-being best? i ask that generally and not pointedly. i know that the way Tom loves and cares for you does meet many of your wants and needs. i mean the question more in broad terms of who's well-being, healing, wholeness comes first and why. whom do we serve, even when we dedicate ourselves to the service of others? i know you've talked about all this before in different ways. while i am not in situation and relationship as yours, i philosophically struggle with this issue in my own ways and find thoughtful community in your post.
ReplyDeleteI think Tom was to quick to please you...instead of listening to ur whole story....
ReplyDeleteMaybe if you write ur fantasies down...and work out a way that it can please u both...
Minnionette...
This whole topic still feels "HEAVY" to me. I think minionette has it right in the first and simplest sense -- it all happened too quickly in this instance. I was not "clear" enough in terms of the picture I had in my head (probably), and He didn't hear my whole story or, more importantly, what I had invested in that story. That's not uncommon for us I think. The truth is that, for Him, this works differently than it does for me and, since He drives things we usually do it His way. That is the nature of the dynamic we share. Perhaps writing things out would help, although I have my doubts since part of the issue here is the "now and again" nature of my sexual responsiveness... But it is worth a try.
ReplyDeleteAs for the bigger questions that are wrapped up in traveler's comment, I imagine there are plenty of people who wonder those same things. Sometimes, I wonder myself about those very questions -- call me a bad slave! I'll try and get my head wrapped around something coherent in terms of all of that in the next few days.
Ultimately, I think it is, as morningstar and kaya point out, there is risk in getting attached to a "script." It is, as I am learning, not about me, but about HIM. It isn't this event, but the larger process of noting where I'm still insisting on having it my way. The work of learning to serve Him is not something that happens all at once or is done once and then we can go on... There is continual work to do. So here I am now...
swan