I'd Sure Like to Dom u...

I have, lately, been accosted by a Yahoo Messenger "visitor." He is golden retriever eager, and self-identifies as "dom." He found me, it seems, through one of the group lists that I am part of, and, when he chooses to initiate conversation, he always begins at what I would consider the 6-week point (and I'm not even going to address the cyber-speak which, in my humble opinion, marks a person as too lazy to engage in simple English discourse):

"are u married?

are u submissive?
are u permitted to play with others?
I sure would like to dom u."

I find that I want to take this poor would be "dom," and shake some sense into him. Because it is clear he has no sense at all of where he is missing the boat in that little monologue.

In the first place, that eager, puppy, tail-wagging, can I please sound just does not "get it." If you expect to sell someone on the story that you are a "dominant," then act the part. Step up and take control. Assume the mantle of authority and responsibility. Don't whine, wheedle, plead, and beg. It is unseemly and inappropriate. If you are going to grovel like a sissy-maid submissive, take it somewhere else.

Another bit of advice that I want to give the poor fellow is that he needs to learn about some basic manners and rules of engagement. I wonder that he doesn't seem to understand that it is extremely bad form to attempt to play with someone else's toys without permission. From the very first time he approached me with his desire to "dom me," I made it clear to him that I was "owned," not looking for another "dominant," and encouraged him to contact Master about his interest in playing with me. He did actually have a chat with Master who made it clear to him that I wasn't interested in playing with him, and also was clear that I wasn't "up for grabs." Anyway you slice it, he doesn't "have permission."

But... even if there was "permission;" even if there was some sort of desire for the potential of D/s play between this person and me, that would develop from a relationship. I would have to know something about this person. Master would have to know something about him. There would have to be some information that told us something more about him than the fact that he thinks that he is a dom. How is it possible that this character fails to understand that this might need to begin with something as simple as "getting to know each other?" Is it so difficult to conceptualize that something as intense and vulnerable as a D/s relationship might be founded on something more than 20 words on an IM screen -- especially when half of those words aren't even written in what looks like legitimate English (oops -- is my bias showing here)?

I think that we are pretty open and welcoming people. I imagine that someone in our local area who took the time to get to know us, and who let us get to know them; who presented themselves in our world as a multi-dimensional, well-brought-up, civilized, respectful human being with some integrity, might quite easily find themselves invited to dinner -- and perhaps be welcomed to join in some levels of "play." We are not shy. We play in public dungeons whenever we have the opportunity, and we've actively sought out and welcomed "friends" into our lives and homes. But, we don't play on street corners with strangers. What we do is not something that we do lightly or without sincere consideration. We don't engage in it without knowing who we are and we don't "mess" with those who demonstrate that they have no concept of the true nature of what it really is -- or who seem to have no interest in growing into that understanding. Too, for us, friendship is a precious and treasured gem and we take it quite seriously. If you want to be included in our circle, you need to act like a "friend," and not like some "smash and grab" thief who is only interested in taking what you think you want.

swan