Moving to Change Your Life

Just a bit ago, I was involved here in a sort of "conversation" with a commenter who was hoping that I might offer some advice or encouragement about the decision of moving to be with a partner in this lifestyle... The conversation was not all that clear and I'm not sure that the answers that I gave were very satisfactory. In the end, what I think might have been the root question: "what did you have to do to get to the point of making the move?" has stuck in my mind.



So, since I have done this and (at least by my own lights made a pretty good success of it), let me see if I can put some useful words around this.



To begin with, it probably should go without saying that everyone is different with different needs and desires and goals and requirements for this kind of decision making. I understand that, and I am not trying to be at all prescriptive here. I do, however, think that there may be some "scaffolding" that could be put around the thinking one might do in preparation for this kind of decision point thta might be both helpful and somewhat portable from situation to situation. That's what I'd like to outline here.



Three areas I'm going to address: time perception, resource availability, and intensity of connectivity.



Time Perception:

In making a major, life-changing decision like a move across the country to enter an alternative lifestyle relationship, there are two "time" anchored perceptions that impact the way we contemplate the process. There is "history" and there is "future." All of us come to the decision point with personal histories, and most of us have hopes for the future. These two time "spaces" and how we think about them have an enormous influence on the way we consider a move that changes our present reality.

I think it is important to understand that neither the past nor the future are "real" in the sense that they do not actually exist as does the present moment. Personal history shapes each of us. It instructs and informs and forms the path which we see whenever we look back to where we come from. Our personal history is the story about who we have been and where we come from. It is the collection of memories and keepsakes that are stored in our memory, and without it, we would have no present in which to stand. And it is not real.

Too, the future is a projection. Future time exists as a "potential," or more correctly a collection of potentials. This is the classic rhetorical "what if." One of the things that makes projecting into the future so difficult is that we cannot reliably predict what may come to pass in that "time space" because, like the past, it isn't real. It is imaginary. It simply does not exist as a reality. We will, should we continue living, move forward into a time which is beyond what we can perceive of as present, but when we arrive there, it will be our present.

As we contemplate making a major life changing move, investing large amounts of energy in preserving the past, or protecting the future can put us into a state of paralysis. Moves necessitate leaving much of the past behind, and they plunge us into situations where the future becomes increasingly difficult to predict. If we acknowledge that it is only the present that actually exists, it becomes much easier to pack up a few treasured mementos, make a reasonable plan for a bit of future security, and then strike off boldly into the life that is standing right in front of us.

Resource Availability:
Leaving a place of familiarity and comfort and heading off to someplace and someone new to begin a whole new life is an awesome undertaking. It is best to understand exactly what reserves and resources are at your disposal when you set out on such a journey. Far too many people leap off into the void on the strength of a wish or a dream, and without adequate provisions for the trip. This is simply foolishness.

Not all resources are financial, although it is helpful to have some reasonable way of supporting oneself, or at least an understanding of how that necessity is going to get taken care of. If there is going to be a need to acquire employment in the new location, what is that going to involve and how difficult will that process be? Will there be some lag time in securing an income? How, exactly are the necessities of daily living going to be handled? Life becomes very grim very quickly when there's no place to live and nothing to eat and no decent medical care. Moving can be an expensive undertaking.

If the financial end of things seems clear, then it is prudent to contemplate what other resources are available to you as you make a transition to another life. Relocating can be stressful in the short term, but the stresses of learning to live comfortably in a new place can go on way past the point where the moving truck departs. It takes time to become comfortable; to understand how to find the grocery and the post office and the veterinarian and the pharmacist; to comprehend the way the weather moves through an area; to know the local "slang." So, it is good to understand how flexible you are, how adventurous, how resilient, how good-humored, how sturdy, how trusting. All of these are resources that will be called upon to get you through the first weeks and months in a new place. There are other resources as well -- do you have friends where you are going? Will you have outside interests or hobbies that you can attach to? How will you make contacts within a new community? Evaluate the resources that you have at your disposal in order to understand what it is that you carry with you into your new life.

Intensity of Connectivity:
This last seems obvious to me, but I am often surprised at how often people jump to relocate to relationships where there is very little to base the connection on. A shared fetish, or a congruence of fantasies is hardly sufficient to stand one's whole life on its head. Our lives are not uni-dimensional, and when we contemplate creating a life with a partner who will form a major focus of our world, there ought to be some significant connection beyond the "slap and tickle" of it all. This is a very difficult and dangerous area of this process because the drive toward sexual coupling is extremely compelling in the human animal, and no matter what anyone tells you, what we do is sexy at very deep levels. New relationship energy is a very tricky beastie. So, it is critical to watch and pay attention to how the relationship develops. Is there any foundation beyond the "heat" of it all? What do partners know about one another? Have they woven a rich tapestry of connection between them?

I realize there are no answers here. I'm no guru. I only know I made the transition once and it was and has been good. I'm not sure I analyzed all of this so critically or clinically. Perhaps I should have. I had no one to give me any direction. I don't think, with all of this in the balance, I'd have chosen differently, but that's just me...

swan