Immovable

The latest "Spanko Brunch" topic at My Bottom Smarts centered around what makes a "perfect" spanker. Lots and lots and lots of conversation about strength and sensitivity and goodness and consistency. I read and found myself shaking my head; noting a sense of unease and internal disagreement. I'm entirely sure that every single commenter at Bonnie's place is sincere, and that what they write about what makes a perfect spanker it absolutely the truth of it all for each and every one of them -- and it doesn't get close to the heart of the matter for me.

Now, probably the real fact of the matter is that He is NOT a "spanker." He is utterly Dominant, and He is a sadist whose primary sexual/erotic orientation and expression falls almost entirely into the realm of activities that could be grouped under the heading of "spanking" (although I'd probably argue that "impact play" is a more accurate description).

There is no question that He is a "good" person. There are very few men who work as hard, or bring as much personal committment or sense of mission to doing "good" in the world than the Man that T and I serve. The purity that fires His efforts on behalf of those He works for in our society is absolutely unwavering, and has driven a career that has spanned over three decades. It is a value driven life that has seen choices made in favor of service over riches and "power." He absolutely embodies the qualities of goodness, honor, and integrity.

He is unbelievably, stunningly, awesomely bright, perceptive, kind, and sensitive. He can be completely charming. Those who know Him socially, and professionally, often find that those traits are lavished on them. His Dominance wears a politically polished face in public. He cleans up really nice.

With us, at home, where He is in His element, things are His way. Always. That can mean many things. The world inside our walls, behind our doors, reflects His mood, suits His whim, IS exactly as He makes it to be. If the mood strikes Him, He can be completely generous, loving, tender, and sentimental. Or... He can be totally self-absorbed, arrogant, nasty, judgemental, inconsiderate, and even mean-spirited.

There are times when He does something that is so gosh darned sweet that it just drops me to my knees with amazement at His tender-heartedness. Those are the times when I am reminded that I am the luckiest of women. Those are the times when I am confirmed in the choice that I made back so many years ago. Those are the times when it all fits and feels right.

Then there are the times when I am ready to declare that He is an absolute, complete, unmitigated bastard. In those instances, I wonder what on earth I was thinking to have ever contemplated putting myself into this situation. I run the whole set of "non-option" options. I notice, mull over, brood upon, savor, pick at the scabs of -- the unfairness of it all. Oh yeah... I'm pathetic and pitiful.

Through that all, He remains exactly what and who He is -- who He has been from the very beginning. Older, yes -- but not one jot removed from the Man I first came to know eight years ago.

Which is the thing that is perhaps the one trait that none of Bonnie's commenters mentioned, but which, for us (for me) is essential: He's immovable.

I put my life in His hands, and no matter what happens; no matter what I toss at Him; no matter how emotionally bumpy my moods get; no matter how wimpy I feel; no matter how easy I am with the direction He drives us -- He remains. The foundation of our life is solid. Sure. Secure. I can BE insecure because I know that He IS secure.

That immovable certainty that forms the ramrod core of His being makes Him the perfect partner for me. It isn't always easy. There are times when I have to find a place to vent the fury the boils up in me when my stormy nature bangs into His determined solidity. There are probably plenty of people who would look at the tussling that I sometimes go through and see "trouble." I suppose, I might be some trouble for some. He seems to manage me just fine. Immovable.

He sets the course. He will have what He will have. He will go where He will go. He wants, and hopes for the happiness of all of us. He recognizes and supports whatever needs and feelings come up in the course of whatever comes up with all of that. Still, we go His way. Not the other way around. His goodness, strength, perceptivity, integrity, sensitivity are all traits that come into play in the relationship, certainly, but He is not in service to me. He knows this. So do I, and if I ever become confused about it; He simply slips a finger under the collar I wear and reminds me.

swan