Powerfully Gentle

Isabella by Christian Ethan Mosconi Dec 2005

There is something in this painting that evokes the spanking from last night for me. It was such a different sort of experience for the two of us, that I am not entirely sure of my capacity to capture it in words... In simplest terms, He played with me in a far more gentle and more sensual fashion than is the norm between us. His usual approach to sadomasochistic play is to go for intensity; to push as close to the edge as He can get; to always, always, always take things to the place where I am struggling to hold on -- and then a bit further than that.

Last night, He didn't do that. No "blistering." There was spanking and strapping and paddling, but it was so interwoven with lots and lots of stroking and rubbing and playing with a wide variety of knives that it was as if He lifted me out of my usual fear and frustration to something that was (eventually) almost mystically soft and sweet. If I had known that it was going to go that way, I might have dropped right into it and enjoyed it and floated along with it. I just expected to be hurt and suffer and struggle through the whole thing, and so the first part of it was lost on me.

He talked about it afterwards -- said He felt that He was evolving toward some different style, and He told me that He really enjoyed it (and hoped I did too).  He seemed a bit mystified and amazed.  I am pretty sure this isn't anything that He expected from Himself or for the two of us.  I imagine that a few years ago I'd have experienced that as a "failure," knowing that the mere fact that He'd decided to "go easy" on me was an indication of how far I have fallen from what we once had together. 

Last night's play didn't have that sort of feeling -- no scintilla of failure.  I felt that I was every bit as engaged as ever in "being there" for whatever He had in mind, and (once I finally calmed down) I found myself carried off on the staccato rhythm being played out by His toys.  And so I danced to the tune He played -- danced under the swirling stars, and felt the full force of the power He wielded so gently.

swan