Wimpy

We played together on Thursday evening.  It wasn't a terribly intense session.  He used His hand a good bit, and stroked with the tip of a knife.  At the height of things, He shifted up to a lexan paddle and a fairly light leather strap --

And...

I whined and sobbed and suffered from the very beginning until the very end. 

For some reason, on Thursday evening, every sensation seemed to be magnified -- and not in a good way.  The hand spanking caused me to gasp and whimper.  The knife blade traced my skin with searing sharpness.  I hung on and stayed put through the paddling, but it was agony and I was furious that "no one even cared" how I was suffering.  I ended up feeling like a total wimp.

It was such a markedly different session than the one that preceded it just a few days earlier.  On that occasion, I was "in the flow," and came through to the end feeling strong and empowered and thrilled with the connection between us.  What, I wonder, is the difference?  Why is my pain tolerance so wildly variable?  What is it that causes the same sensation to be pleasurable and erotic on one occasion and just miserable on another? 

Is it mindset?  I know from experience that when I go into a session feeling angry or frustrated or frightened, it is far more likely that I'll struggle. 

Maybe it is just a question of general well-being.  Starting into a spanking with a host of physical aches and pains makes it more difficult for me to get my head wrapped around the pain of a spanking on top of all the rest of it.

Maybe it is hormonal.  I know that, when I was still having menstrual periods, my ability to process and accommodate pain varied with my cycles.  Now, well past my surgically induced menopause, I wonder if there is yet some hormonal component to my variable responses to painful stimuli.  Researchers have found that estrogen can act as a natural painkiller. Higher estrogen levels result in a higher pain tolerance, and lower estrogen levels cause effectively lower pain tolerance.

I don't know.  I do wonder.  In the meantime, I get spanked when and how He decides -- and He seems as happy with my misery as He ever is with my more accomplished session responses.  

swan