"They say that sex / orgasms are mostly in the brain........... I think BDSM is mostly in the brain too...... The building of excitement / anticipation is just like really good foreplay ..."It is no secret to anyone who has read here for any amount of time that I have had my very real struggles with both my sexual response and my BDSM response in the last few years. I've consistently pointed back to that December 29, 2005 moment when, undergoing a hysterectomy and oophorectomy, I found myself thrust suddenly into the land of menopuasal femaleness. It was the day that everything changed for me physically and hormonally. It sucked. It sucks. There is no going back, and there is no recovering what was lost. If I had known then what the consequences would be, I'd have never consented to the surgery. Never.
However. I am now convinced, nearly 5 years later, that it isn't all about the hysterectomy. The fact, that morningstar pointed to, is that (at least for me) sex and BDSM and sex and BDSM and sex and BDSM and sex and BDSM are the same. Those two things are NOT two things -- not for me. I am a female and a masochist and, sex and BDSM are wrapped entirely around one another in my experience. I cannot and do not respond sexually when there is no sadomasochistic valance. Conversely, I cannot and do not respond masochistically when there is no sexual component. Plain, old, garden-variety, vanilla sex excites me in exactly the same way as doing the ironing, the dishes, or the floors. I can do it. I DO do it. It is a very "workman-like" sort of task -- get on it, get it done, get on to the next thing. In the same way, tie me down and beat me SM leaves me empty and sad. I know there is some sort of soaring and powerful connection to be made, but if I gut it out through a session, telling myself that it doesn't matter, that I'm just a butt (or just a slave), and feeling no sense of male-female connection in the midst of the pain, then there is no joy or release or pleasure for me in the event.
And...that weird, jumbled up reality just confounds Him. He doesn't get it; doesn't understand how it works; reads it all as some sort of recalcitrance on my part. Foreplay, sexual or sadomasochistic, isn't part of our repertoire. The business of spanking and fucking is just that around here -- all business. SM isn't supposed to be "pleasurable," and sex is a pretty neat, but very prosaic activity that involves getting Him hard and then getting Him off.
So, my initial visceral response to that post of morningstar's was really a stomping, pissy, mental diatribe with that sort of incredulous sound to it -- "FOREPLAY? Really? What the hell? Who does that? Waaaaaa, waaaaaa, waaaaa! Poor, poor, pitiful me..."
I don't know. He claims I don't tell Him what to do, or what I want. He feels frustrated that I can't give Him specifics and some sort of road map -- touch here and rub there... I wish we could explore more -- slowly and tentatively and without some rush to "get there," and "get on" with the REAL stuff. He just wants to know what to do -- how to FIX this. How "guy" is that?
I don't know -- Google really isn't much help here. There is no how to do good foreplay in 10 easy lessons book or website (at least not that I can find). Somedays, like today, I feel pretty hopeless about the whole business. After all, I'm 55 -- not some cute, young honey just starting out. It is way too late to be renegotiating the whole sex thing with a lover and a Master. There are lots of things that are in the rearview window of my life -- I'm never going to play concert piano, and I'm not likely to ever get to the summit of Mt. Everest, and I'll never travel the world. There comes a time when a person ought to just grow up and live the life that is -- and this is a good life. I am well and healthy and I have people who love me. I have work that matters, and that I enjoy. My home is comfortable. My kids are grown and good. It ought to be enough.
swan
Never, say never morningstar has changed her feathers lately so you can too!!
ReplyDeleteI one thing I would strongly do, that I didn't do, is communicate with Master. We men might ( ok, ok ARE ) slow in some areas but we do catch on as long as there is communications you should be ok...
Please just don't make the same mistake I did, talk, show...
"It ought to be enough."
ReplyDeleteBut it obviously isn't.
It is very interesting to me to read what people take from my blogs... even when I believe I have said something straight out - black and white - people tend to put their own spin on it.
I read your blog entry - went back and read what I had written - and came back and re-read what you had written again.
And the first thought I had was that "Excitement" was just my opinion. But you of all people know that !
Then I thought about the anticipation which brings my excitement... and how the excitement is not easy to duplicate in a relationship that is 10 years old - versus my 4 week old adventure into freedom.
And then I thought about the differences between us. I never was .... never could be.. the good submissive/slave you are. That is a fact! The truth of the matter is.. I am a BRAT. I challenge and test and am plain cheeky. S&S say I "poke the Dom" and I guess to some extent I do.
I am lucky to have found a couple who are content?? happy?? able to survive??? the brat that is me.
I'm not entirely sure what I am trying to say here.. except maybe .. I spent too much of my life using someone else as a measuring stick of what/who I should be. (from parents to husband to partners to Dominants). So please don't use me as any sort of gauge or voice of authority (god don't do that !!) cause what do I know swan?? truthfully??
When I come to visit we will talk and talk and talk.... and maybe we will sort out world peace and world hunger. BUT as to what will work for you?? I think only you and Raheretic can solve that one........
morningstar
*smiles* Its so good to read this post and the one to come after.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like the two of you are on your way to figuring this out. I am so happy for you both.
You mentioned that there's no handbook on foreplay...but I think there is. Rather its more a handbook on connecting and that includes touch. Perhaps it will help. Perhaps it will not, but the teachings and techniques of tantra seem to fit very well to me in enhancing my submission or my dominance and its useful for making the head space of both roles into a deeper place for me. Things you've said over the years of reading here lead me to believe that you both have a deep spirituality so perhaps the teachings of this book will be useful as well. Margo Anand wrote a book called The Art of Sexual Ecstacy. You can find it easily on Amazon.
It is very much all about foreplay...the journey into touch, which is spiritual, emotional and physical combined that makes me juicy. Like, you swan, I'm unresponsive if only bdsm or only vanilla sex is shared...and I found that this book gave me either useful exercises or else ideas of my own to try. Its more the principles and the fact that there's a language to share that I thought might be of use to you both because you spoke of language being a barrier for you. If you read the book together, you might just discover some words that could help you describe to each other the needs you both have. Just a thought...