I am a Masochist

Master worked very hard, when we first met, to convince me that I was, in fact, a masochist, and then to help me accept and come to terms with that self-description.  It was a label that scared me, and one that I fervently and adamantly denied -- for a really, really long time.  Eventually, I grew to embrace the obviously accurate nomenclature, and life went on.  It does not bother me, anymore, to claim that label for myself.  In a sense, I am even proud of the gift that it represents in my life -- although to be sure, there are very few opportunities to actually give voice to the declaration.  Among all the declarations of who I am that are perfectly normal and entirely acceptable (I am a liberal, a teacher, a lover, a friend, ...), the one self-descriptor that would stop most conversations, and create huge difficulty is that one:  "I am a Masochist." 

I did hear myself saying those exact words in a conversation just a few days ago (with someone who is fairly new to all of this), and I was struck by the odd, airless feeling that they create in the room.  No one blinked, and no one evidenced any judgement, and the impact of those words was undeniable.  I let the sound of them sit there between us for just a minute, and then I went on to try and explain my particular experience of that reality -- and life resumed its usual cadence. 

For myself, it feels as if my masochism has revived.  I am drifting in and out of a variety of masochistic fantasies -- both awake and while dreaming.  I am experiencing a sense of being sexually alive, and for me, that is indistinguishable from being masochistically hungry.  I am finding my way back into some sort of affirmative relationship with sadomasochistic play, tolerating pain and accomodating intense sensation better than I have for a longish while.  I am actively initiating SM interactions between He and I, and finding my way through those interactions with less emotional trauma or anger than has been the norm for the last few years.  To me, that feels good and positive and healthy.  I feel like it calls for a c e l e b r a t i o n.  I do.

Unfortunately, when I search for positive and affirming information about the way I am, it is seriously lacking.  Type in Internet search terms like "masochism" or "libido+masochism" or "healthy masochism," and page after page after page of results will describe how dysfunctional and unhealthy people like me really are.  Even as work is continuing to remove BDSM lifestyle choices from the DSM, the word has not spread very far.  As far as the society at large is concerned, as far as the average person can tell, the way I am, the things I do, the life I live is simply sick and wrong -- in need of immediate and intensive psychiatric interventions.  How sad. 

What that means, in practical terms is that essentially nothing at all has changed in the last 10 or 12 years.  There has been no effective shift in the perceptions of the mental health professionals that WE all have to deal with when issues arise for us in that realm -- and then no shift in the perceptions of the ordinary people who are our neighbors and co-workers and wider community.  What that means is that, no matter how I am experiencing my intimate life, I must travel about in an environment that perceives me in the most negative and damaging terms.  It doesn't change who I am, and it really doesn't have an enormous impact on my day to day life, but it does cause me to be more aware of my assumptions.  No matter how I see myself, it is probably important to understand that my view is in a very serious minority. 

swan