Retirement

We've battled -- well really, He's battled -- for many years now to keep the non-profit agency that He directs afloat in very difficult economic waters.  For the most part, He has been alone fighting that battle;  the board that should have backed Him up, supported the work, and beaten the bushes for funding and partners, has been inert except when it has been openly oppositional.  With each passing day, as the picture grew more and more gloomy, He has struggled to maintain His optomism and enthusiasm for the work.  It has been a very wearying road, and He has about run out of energy and enthusiasm. 

In the last weeks, He has begun to consider the path toward retirement -- after 35 years, He has just about decided it is time to give up this work and move on.  It is not an easy decision, and it will necessitate some moves to pare down and scale back.  We've calculated ways we can save money, and we've calculated expenses versus potential income, and we think that it adds up financially.  We are believing that there are ways for us to make this work, but it is a scary time for Him and for us all.  On the other hand, there is the potential for much more freedom and much less stress.  After years of fighting dragons on behalf of those who most needed His advocacy, He might have the opportunity to pursue His own agenda and His own interests...  Perhaps you will all see more of His writing here in the months to come.

There is something odd and almost surreal about how this is going -- on one hand, we are living our lives, going on about our business, doing what we have always done.  But then, there have been days and weeks of worry and distractedness and pricky-ness always ready to boil to the surface.  He is dealing with some significant stress, disappointment, and anger, but too, He is looking forward to being released from the continuing battle.  It's such a strange transition to navigate. 

His has been a long life of working to help those who were least able to speak for themselves in our culture.  It has been an honorable and worthy career.  It seems unfair that, here as it comes to an end, there will likely be few accolades and even fewer words of thanks from anyone -- simply an ending, and if we are lucky, some months of unemployment insurance to help bridge the gap between now and the time when He can begin to draw on His social security.  Those who would speak their thanks almost to a person have no words to speak at all...  Knowing the good that had been done for so many years, for so many people ... will have to suffice.

I know that part of Him is looking forward to not having to go out to slay dragons day after day anymore, but I worry about what He will do...  He is too alive and too vibrant to come home and sit in a rocking chair for very long.  Perhaps, there will be freedom and time to do some of the other things He loves.  Perhaps He'll find a way to be in "the lifestyle" community with more energy and personal openess than have been possible before.  I don't know.  Neither does He.  The only thing that seems clear is that the immediate future will be different than we imagined.  We will find our way, love one another through the scary and challenging moments, live our lives with joy and courage, and look forward to the mornings we have to wake up with one another...  Always and all ways.

swan