M/s and Marriage "Proposals"

Kaya pointed me to a discussion on Fetlife about marriage proposals and Master/slave relationships. I've been absent from Fetlife, by choice, for a long while, but this has intrigued me enough to take me back there at least for now.

Beyond all of that, I am caught by the discussion of precisely how it might be that a Master would or should approach a slave regarding the question of marriage. The whole lengthy discussion appears to revolve around whether a Master can legitimately order a slave to marry, or whether marriage should be presented as a choice -- even though within the M/s dynamic the slave makes "no other choices." Opinions seem to vary widely. Imagine! Much of the wrangling, however, seems to pivot on some sort of distinction between the legal validity (and assumed permanence) of the marriage relationship compared to the perceived validity of the Master/slave relationship.

I think, as I contemplate this, that there are layers and layers of assumptions here that have not been examined, but which underpin the various contentions that people are making. Without understanding the notions that are fueling the fire, there's no way to untangle the confusion.

We live in a culture that views marriage in a very monolithic fashion. All of the language surrounding the act of marrying, carries deeply embedded meanings that we almost all share. That is the reality that allows the religious right in this country to define and hijack the debate about marriage equality with barely a challenge to the assumptions that they make. Theirs are assumptions that we nearly all share in a sort of unexamined, mob mentality, cultural, fuzzy-headed romanticism. It is all grounded in "happily ever after" fairy tales, and sappy Carpenter's musically invoked "We've Only Just Begun" imagery.

We believe, without any question, that it is the dream and the destiny of each one of us to engage in the dating and courtship dance that ends with the bended-knee proffering of the stunning diamond solitaire leading to a Lacy confectioner's sugared dress walk down the aisle with a handsome fellow in a classy tux. Cakes, flowers, limos, music, dancing, and all the rest are a shared fantasy that we don't even discuss because it just is the way it is supposed to be. There is an entire multi-billion dollar industry that thrives on our "marriage" dreams.

And, of course, participating in all of that folderol means that we are completely, totally, utterly in love and devoted to one another; going to be together forever; safe within the confines of marriage; never again to be plagued or worried about having to "go it alone" in the world of sex and relating.


If marriage is, then, such a huge step, and really the culmination of our personal journeys into adulthood, then it MUST be that the decision to marry or not is the single biggest decision any one of us will ever make. The marriage "proposal," wrapped as it is in tradition and history and expectation is really a short hand "conversation" about taking two lives that have, to this point in time, traveled their separate paths and setting them onto a single path from which there is no permissible deviation. Doing the proposal "right" is about acknowledging the customs and beliefs and expectations of the entire society. To do less; to eliminate the romance and dreaminess of the event is to deny the bride to be of her rights; her choice; her entire person hood. Simply shameful!


Of course, we all know that the "happily ever after" part of that story doesn't happen for all of us, or even most of us. But then, we also know that the "white lace and promises" part is an illusion in many cases too. Even in our culture, people marry for all kinds of reasons. Being "in love" is only one of them, and even that is often mixed into a stew of agendas, plans, and schemes that have very little to do with loving the partner. We marry for greed, for expedience, for appearance, for status, for security, for escape. We live inside of those marriages with whatever skills and personal relational talents we've brought to the bargain, and it sometimes works for every one's good. When it doesn't, we make decisions and choices about emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy, fidelity, persistence, and the meaning of vows that were made as much for show as for any other reason. What do the latest statistics tell us about divorce and cheating and spouse abuse and all the rest of the plagues that beset the institution that zealots would tell us is the very heart and fabric of our society?

Far too many of us buy the stories we've been told about marriage. Too many of us believe with an unshakable ferocity that marriage is "between one man and one woman," and that it has ALWAYS been that way. Our marriage myths are held in absolute contravention of the factual realities. What is true about marriage in our culture is that it derives its essential nature from the laws put forth by Roman emperors, and from policies promulgated by the catholic church as a mechanism to increase its own wealth and power.

In much the same way, there are a whole set of societal assumptions about those who practice BDSM, and when that practice reaches what some see as the "extreme" level of Master/slave, then the assumptions can get pretty wild.

The perceptions that most people have about BDSM are formed in large part by lurid and sensationalized material put forth for an audience that buys pornography. Just as the "vanilla" porn industry has little or no relationship to real life vanilla intimacy, BDSM porn doesn't come close to showing the truth of BDSM relationships. That is the fact, but it is very hard to overcome those entrenched and vivid images of Dommes with whips and serial murderers who go by the name of "Slave Master."

It is really pretty simple. "Normal" people tend to assume that BDSM practitioners are just perverts; sick fucks who don't form caring, committed relationships. And, our language is highly evocative. Tell someone that you are a "slave," or that You own a "slave," and that will surely elicit a visceral response. People who bother to discuss it at all will tell you that "slavery is not legal." Really. They will point to the fact that beginning such a relationship is a choice and that remaining in such a relationship is a choice, and that given that there are choices, there is no slavery involved. Don't you know that you are just playacting in an elaborate pretend scenario?
Never mind that SOME M/s folks really do have an intense connection that lasts for a lifetime. They're the ones who cannot live without each other and would not want to, for whom every action is made with an innate understanding of the other. It isn't "real."

I'd disagree. I do disagree. This is quite sincerely real. But that isn't the point here.

In the end there remains the question: can a Master order His slave to marry? Should He? Is the marriage proposal the ONE place where the M/s protocol should fall away and the "right" to make a choice be re-instated?

I come down on the side of those who say NO. The Master/slave commitment, where it is already in place, is all-encompassing and permanent. It is without the usual caveats that attach to most relational commitments (including marriage). Slaves don't promise to obey and serve when and however doing so pleases them, and Masters don't promise to never ask for or demand anything that might challenge the slave.

A marriage proposal, put forward as a non-proposal; in fact put in the form of command -- removes the thrill of romance, perhaps. The command encapsulates the legal commitment that is not recognized in the existing relationship, and refuses to acknowledge that there is any choice in the imposition of that legal status. To require a slave to enter into marriage conveys certain legal advantages on the partners; works to preserve and protect the integrity of the relationship; recognizes that marriage is a contract. For those already engaged in the contractual relationship that is the Master/slave dynamic, the layering on of an additional contract should pose no hurdle at all.

In the end, there is no refusal right granted to the slave. Maybe for some, there will be difficulty in this kind of a scenario -- a mourning for the wedding frippery that other girls get to have. Oh well. Life is like that. Belonging is better than a silly fluff of a dress any old day.

swan

Re-Booting

When I got to fussing about the "Sexy Blogger Awards," Amber wrote the following comment:

"If I were Tom ... I'd tie you up on that coffee table, give you the following mantra to repeat, "I am a beautiful, sexy woman and my Master loves me" and beat your ass every time you don't say it and say it like you mean it. Every day until it became second nature for you to believe it."

Now. My first reaction to that bit was that I hate it when slaves and submissives try to set each other up, and behave as if that behavior is cute or clever or somehow funny. But ... then I calmed down fairly quickly and I really do believe that Amber intended to be helpful and constructive in offering this bit of advice for Himself.

Actually, that approach is one that He used to use with me on a pretty regular basis. He would refer to it as "rebooting," just like one might do with a wayward computer. Generally, rebooting was His response when He would perceive that I was engaged in self-talk that was self-denigrating and emotionally harmful to my well-being.

"Rebooting" always felt just brutal to me. Those sessions were not "technically" punishment in the absolute sense, but there was a serious disciplinary intent to them. He meant to create change, and He meant to make an impression. With all of that in play, I generally came off a "rebooting" session with intense bruising and welts, and as my skin grew more and more likely to break and bleed from spanking, it was not uncommon for there to be significant blood splatter when it was all over and done with.

I am sure that I must have written about those events here or at The Swan's Heart, but I can't seem to find any reference to them, so maybe not... It is just that I really think that there were people who commented about it -- who were often shocked and appalled at the whole idea. There were people who were quite serious about telling me that it was not possible to spank someone into changing their internal belief system. How can it be that I remember comments to posts that seemingly never existed? Hmmmm...

Anyway. There has not been a "rebooting" in a really long time. I'd like to say that He convinced me that negative self-talk is something I just don't ever do, but that is really not the case. I can still get pretty down on myself by times. I think that it is much more a matter of His adjusting what He does with me to accommodate my changing capacities. He is surely naturally inclined to be sadistic, and He remains entirely Dominant with me, but He also loves me; wants the best for me; does not want to cross some line that would put Him in the position of feeling that He was harming or abusing me. I don't know if He made some conscious decision at some point, or if it was just the way things evolved between us. I only know that it is what it is now.

So, thanks for the thought, Amber. Not a new idea around here -- maybe just something that has gone the way of other things that were part of our lives when we were both younger. I don't know... don't really have to know.

swan

Feral

The surgery was seven weeks ago. The recovery is coming along pretty well at this point and things are coming back to the way life should be. Both Master and T are feeling stronger each day, and while we still are coping with what kinds of foods are best for them both, we are learning quickly.

He is moving back His accustomed role and mode with me, and that is exactly what I've been waiting for and longing for all these weeks.

Except that I am feeling as if I can't come "back in." I am feeling stuck in hyper-vigilant, control-freak mode. I am so tired and so worn out, and I just can't seem to let go and relax back into place. A feral creature is defined as having escaped from domestication and become wild. That's a really good description of where my head seems to be... just wild and unable to remember the more "tame" nature that I left behind to try and make it all work through this.

I snarl and snap at the least perceived slight.

I get my feelings hurt over things that I can't even name.

My collar lays on the counter in the bathroom, and I can't seem to bring myself to put it on.

I am working my way through our sessions by telling myself over and over that "I am nothing but a slave." It keeps me calm, but leaves me feeling sad and hopeless.

We make love, but I have once again lost just about all my sexual responsiveness.

I know this is something going on inside my mind. It isn't like the depression I once fought my way through, but it does feel like I've gotten sidetracked, and I am lost and afraid -- unsure what I need to do to bring my heart and head back into some kind of harmony and balance.

I'm not looking for anyone to "fix" this, but if I seem quiet, you will know what I'm up to here.

swan

Spanking Intent or Maple V. Ash

It's odd the way unexpected things can serendipitously trigger memories and stories that relate to development of key aspects of your life. I'm beginning to catch up on reading Blogs of friends whose writings I haven't looked at while I've been recuperating from my surgery. One of those that I enjoy is Hermione's Heart. I think Hermione enjoys spanking and is as endlessly drawn to it as I am. A few days ago she wrote a semi-tongue in cheek post exploring the comparative attributes of spanking paddles made of maple vs. ash ("Watch out for Splinters" ). It is not difficult to imagine a Canadian's desire to explore the potential superiority of maple as the prime component of a highly prized implement:) Oddly this triggered a long dusty memory from the early days of my becoming a practitioner of adult consensual spanking.

When I first became serious about focusing on spanking women as a key aspect of my life, I developed a "toy bag." My early toy bag consisted of all manner of everyday things, intended for other purposes, diverted to the end of spanking friends and paramours. There were the classic ping pong paddles, tomato stakes, and lovely brown very slender, whippy plastic rods that lawn spray companies left in our lawn with warning tags on them when they sprayed our lawn with chemicals. There were mixing spoons, and a wooden slapper, that was actually a percussion implement from an orchestra, used to make the sound of a whip crack (Jingle Bells) or even a gun shot. It was shaped very like a paddle, and I glued the two slats of hinged wood that were intended to smack together, so they formed a solid slender paddle about 3/4of an inch thick. The unfortunate women whom I spanked with it frequently howled and cried. I was too new to realize it would always leave dark, deep, lasting bruises on the bottoms it smacked. I learned that (I wish sororities and fraternities would learn this) 3/4 inch thick dense wood is not a spanking paddle, but a club, and should not be used to strike human buttocks, unless you are desirous of harming the people you are hitting as well as inflicting pain. Of course, too, there were several belts: belts that were meant to hold up pants not spank bottoms, and so on. I had visited a local lawn and garden farm supply store too, and found a virtual treasure trove. There I picked an actual riding crop, dogging bat, and dressage whip. I am sure most spanking practitioners go through this early stage of gathering everyday "stuff" which they have long fantasized about using to administer spankings, into a supply of "spanking implements."

As my experience, and eventually my training and development evolved, it occurred to me that a key aspect of how a bottom partner experienced a spanking was the intent of the spanker. The effect of the spanker's intent on a spankee's resulting experience is an undeniable truth. Thus, it occurred to me, that if one used a strap, or paddle, or whip, or rod, that was specifically designed, and fabricated for the express purpose of inflicting corporal punishment, then that fundamental aspect of the spanking, the implement used, would communicate and enhance the crucial "spanking intent" dynamic.

I began collecting professional quality spanking implements. Included were my very first floggers, whips, canes, straps, and last, but totally not least (in fact most:) my favorite spanking implement genre....PADDLES. Early on there was the question of how to find spanking products. The Internet was not as developed as it is today nor were the spanking community's businesses.

I came to know about Hanson Paddle Company. I am not sure if I discovered Hanson via a referral from someone, or if I simply encountered them online. Hanson Paddle manufactured a wide variety of high quality spanking paddles: paddles composed of all sorts of woods and synthetic materials, in every shape and size, with and without holes. I was still married in a totally vanilla marriage with a wife who wasn't open to missionary position sex, let alone consensual spanking, so there was the question of where to have online purchased materials delivered. I used my then office and made sure that I timed my orders so the deliveries would arrive on Friday or the weekend. These were times when I could get to the mail before anyone else and pull my deliveries out before they were discovered. (Hmmm......why would the Executive Director have ordered two or three different full size spanking paddles of different woods and some sort of clear acrylic material? Wouldn't that have been sweet to try to explain?).

As I embarked on all this, I found myself confronted by an array of options. Paddles of various sizes, shapes, woods, and a synthetic called lexan, that I became fascinated with(and am to this day)were among the options for me to choose from. I had not the experience to make an informed choice. Hanson Paddle Company published their phone number on their website. I phoned, and lo and behold, none other but the guru of paddles and spanking technique, John Hanson, answered the phone. He was as personable as an old friend I was renewing a relationship with.

In one of my prospective acquisitions I was considering ordering a classic Spencer-style full sized paddle of Hard Rock Maple. I've always had a thing for maple. I love maple flavor, and especially pure maple syrup (something my health has not permitted me to eat for a dozen years or more.) Likely this is my Canadian heritage bleeding through. I inquired of John Hanson about the attributes of a maple spanking paddle. He told me the wood was beautiful, dense, and heavy, but there was one characteristic that could be a problem. You see, Maple tends to shear along the grain with impact. It was not uncommon for maple paddles to split and break length-wise. Link to our post about our broken paddle. I asked about a better alternative and he told me ash was a better and more resilient option. I purchased a half inch thick Spencer-style ash paddle with holes, a paddle I still own proudly today. I have used that paddle a great deal and it is totally resilient. I don't use it much any longer preferring lighter, thinner (often synthetic) paddles today, which create greater sting, less thud, and a great deal less bruising and potential for skin breakage.

So yes, Hermione, they do make ash paddles, and they are functionally superior to maple. It is interesting that major league baseball has come to learn what John Hanson could have told them long ago. Baseball bats of maple will break readily on impact and ash bats will endure impact.

Hermione, you see, your frivolous maple vs. ash paddle post sent me down a memory maze that has enabled me to write my first post-surgical spanking related post.

All the best to everyone,

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

Captive to a Stereotype

I have become entirely caught up in the cascade of responses that were evoked in me by being included in the "sexy blogger" award rage that is currently passing through our corner of cyberspace.

My initial reaction was simply, that's nice but it doesn't make any sense because I am clearly not in the same place as all the cute young things that are working this one. Sometimes I really do feel like the old lady on the block... wouldn't you all like to come in and have some tea and look at my doilies?

Then, my move to say, "Thanks but no thanks," was met with protests from a number of commenters -- all working to assure me that "sexy" is in the mind after all. It's a nice sentiment, driven by great kindness, but it doesn't work for me. It puts me right back to my gangly, awkward adolescence when I was known as "very bright," but clearly not "date bait."

So I suppose I have fallen victim to sexual and gender stereotyping that would likely get me divested of my feminist membership card, but the truth is that I know what I think of when someone says, "that is one sexy woman." The images that statement evokes haven't got one thing to do with all those positive attributes that people tried to lay on me...

So, maybe what I'm really stuck with here is a "linguistic" variance of the same caliber as those discussions of what words like "slave" or "ownership" or "property" mean. For me, "sexy" means something very specific, and for right or wrong, that is about a physical presentation in the world. I am simply not able to get to that place where being a really good cook or an excellent musician or a really accomplished homemaker becomes "sexy."

Language is like that. For all of us. The words we use are symbols that we use to designate meaning and sense. We build language out of shared meanings, and those meanings are evocative of our sense of the thing itself. So, if we designate some object as "tree," we are using the linguistic symbol to represent the actual botanical organism. Our ability to comprehend what is meant by the word, is deeply rooted in our senses with regard to the trees we have encountered over time. That means that, in my mind, the word tree evokes images of majestic, dark, brooding evergreens, but the same word may bring up images of tall, slender palms against a tropical sky for someone else. We generally cross over one another's meaning "senses," and we come to generally encompass a wide collection of images for each of the language symbols we use. However, when our experiences diverge too widely, we run into trouble because we absoluetly believe what our senses tell us about the content of the term in question. When that occurs, nothing will dissuade us from that point of view and our ability to communicate breaks down.

Burned into my consciousness, is the experience of being physically awkward, gangly, too tall, unpopular, buck-toothed, pimply-faced, outcast. Bright, serious, and shy, but never the one who got invited to parties, and never ever asked to a prom or a home-coming. I saw girls, and later women who were defined and described as "sexy" and "hot," and they were completely alien creatures from my vantage point. I knew, from early on, that I'd never join the ranks of the sexy, genetic stars that glimmered so far beyond my reach.

Don't use that word to describe me. It doesn't fit. I don't feel it, don't believe it, don't like it. It makes me feel snarly and frustrated and as if the joke is at my expense somehow.

Or perhaps I'm just feeling grumpy and out of sorts. Maybe I'm raining on everyone's parade for no reason. That's possible. I think this was meant to be fun, and it really does feel to me like there is very little about life that is fun or light-hearted. I'm experiencing this as work, as serious, as very real. There's no playfulness in any of this for me just now. I can feel that that is my problem and not being caused by anyone else. It is reactive on my part. I apologize. Maybe try me again later?

swan

It has been going around. One of those things. You know -- it gets started somewhere, and the requirement to play is that you do this or that or the other thing and then tag 3 or 4 or 5 or more of your very best blog-world friends.

Sometimes these chain-y things are sort of interesting, and it is really a good way for each of us to recognize one another and offer support and encouragement and affirmation. Those are all good outcomes from this sort of interaction.

So, I really do appreciate the thought that led Carrie Ann at A View From The Floor to include me in the "Sexy Blogger Awards." Thank you, Carrie!

But, NO. I am not going to play on this one. I could maybe feel flattered and charmed, except that "sexy" is just not part of the repertoire anymore, AND having a great piece of "flogging furniture" does not make ME sexy. It just means that I have a coffee table that causes the grandparent types who sometimes visit my home to question what the idea behind it all ever was...

It is easy to find the definition for the word "sexy." Mirriam-Webster's gives the definition: seductive or stimulating, interesting or attractive. There. You see? Stop for just a minute, and get a clear picture in your mind...

Which of you had the very clear image of a 54-year old, parochial school teacher? Anyone? No. I didn't think so.

That's because "sexy" implies someone with youthful curves and perkiness and eager freshness. To be "sexy" there has to be some internal, personal belief that it is possible to become sexually responsive. That business of being "sexy" is about being sure and confident of one's own femininity. To show up as "sexy," a person has to know and believe that they are "hawt." I'm not.

I'm strong, and I'm healthy, and I'm a hard worker and a decent cook. I earn my keep, and I can hold up my end of a conversation. I've got curves, but I'm carrying a few extra pounds and a lifetime of gravity is starting to take its toll. My skin isn't bad thanks to a lifelong tendency to burn which has kept me out of the sun for the most part. I am not dreadful to look at (I hope), but I am not "sexy" by any definition of the word.

So, thanks for stopping by, but no awards here this week.

swan

Polyamory Observations #15

I received an email last weekend from someone who has known our family from before we WERE family. She wrote wondering about "poly" issues, and having made that response, I have not been able to let it go entirely. I can't shake the feeling that there is something worthy in the responses that I made over the weekend -- something that might be shared with others who are thinking about changing their lives radically to begin a poly relationship.

The short version of our story is that when we met, we were two couples living 1200 miles apart in Cincinnati and Denver. We first connected online in a couple of Internet chat rooms dedicated to the practice of domestic discipline. I was married to the father of my children. T was collared to Master. We began a conversation on line that was, initially, driven largely by my growing curiosity about BDSM and its relationship to domestic discipline. He was remarkably cordial, patient, and tolerant of my questions. Over a period of two years, we came to know one another very well. We traveled to visit in one another's homes. We played together. We spent hours and hours and hours on line and on the phone. In time we came to be in love, and to believe it was the right thing for us to come together and be a family. There is plenty more of detail and nuance and growth and feeling to that story, but that outline will suffice for the purposes I have in mind here.

Saying all of that like that makes it all seem easy. In fact, there were parts of our evolution into the family that we are today that were very easy and great fun. We learned about one another as we went along, and that journey formed the foundation of our lives together; shaped our memories and family traditions, and gave us a basis for managing our lives. On the other hand, there have been parts of this that have been difficult or challenging. We've wrestled with combining households, finances, schedules, careers, goals, families, traditions. We've had to work through all sorts of "details" that any other folks might have to address in any committed relationship -- except every interaction impacts the three of us, and that multiplies the complexity. We haven't just skated along all happy and sunny. Most telling, perhaps was my divorce from my husband of 27 years. The end of my marriage didn't arise FROM our poly, but it was likely driven by it. The marriage should have dissolved long before it did, but the event was painful nevertheless.

So, when we talk about our poly household, and our poly lifestyle, we've got the chops. We've paid our dues, and we've worked out all sorts of wrinkles. We know at least some of what this entails.

My correspondent has a husband and children -- those "children" are not babies, toddlers, or even school-agers. They are likely in their late teens or perhaps twenties. She is younger than I am, by a good bit. She told me that she'd met a couple on line; that they'd known each other "for awhile;" and that recently they'd met face to face for drinks. The outcome of that meeting was that she and they have come to believe that they are deeply and emoionally bonded to each other and should be together for life. She is also intrigued with the prospect of becoming sexually intimate with both of them. She is contemplating a cross-country move to be with these people. She hasn't discussed any of this with the husband. She wondered if I could give her some ideas or advice about how to proceed.

I did that. I haven't heard back from her since. I guess she didn't like what I had to say. That's a pity, but here is the blunt truth of this from my perspective -- for her, but for anyone else who is thinking about "poly," and believing that it will all be easy and simple:

1) New Relationship Energy (NRE) is a very real and very potent force. It makes people crazy, and it makes them stupid more often than not. When a relationship is very new, it is filled to overflowing with excitement. Infatuation is a dangerous thing because we simply do not see clearly when we are infatuated with someone -- or someones. Too, in the throes of NRE, it is common for a person to look at an existing relationship and see it as dull, boring, tired or tiresome, lacking in romance, and maybe even expendable. When we are all wrapped up in NRE, it is nearly impossible to remember the time when we felt that same excitement for our existing partner. Judgements made in the midst of NRE are often faulty.

2) Polyamory is, by definition, a relationship model that is grounded in honesty and openess. If you are practicing polyamory, all your partners and potential partners are included in the information loop. Everybody involved knows what you are about, and everyone has standing to feel the way they feel about that. You are not responsible for anyone's emotional reaction, although you may care, but you are not entitled to work to short-circuit their ability to react. If you are lying (by omission or comission), if you are hiding, if you are sneaking or going behind a partner's back, if you are keeping secrets, if you are actively cheating, if your partner is left out, discounted, or excluded, then what you are doing is NOT polyamory. There are names for that sort of behavior, but it never even approaches being polyamory. Lack of honesty will kill your existing relationship, and likely eventually, the habit of dishonesty will poison the ground for all your relationships.

3) If you have come to the conclusion that you are really "done with" your current relationship, the responsible and mature (and ultimately kindest) thing to do is to clean up the details of ending that relationship. Do that as directly and as gently as you possibly can, but do it. Polyamory (or the pretext of being polyamorous) should not be used as a wedge to drive off the current partner that you are angry with, or bored with, or whatever.

4) Deciding to enter into a long distance relationship of any kind is a serious undertaking. Long-distance relating is terribly hard. There are people who do it and do it well. They make the choices, make the sacrifices, pay the costs, and reap the rewards. But, it is not a life choice for the weak or selfish.

5) If entering into a new relationship means that you must move some distance, think very carefully. Deciding to move away from your home and your community to start over new someplace else is a very big deal. Leaving the place that you have your roots is wrenching. We seldom recognize all the ties we have to a place. There are favorite hangouts, and friends, and jobs, and familiar patterns. The places where we live have sounds and smells and a particular play of light and shadow that cannot be duplicated in another locale. Missing the old place is almost always part of moving to a new place (even if the new place has charms and delights of its own). And, missing the old place can go on for a really long time. Becoming attached and rooted someplace new takes time and the adjustment is exhausting.

6) Not everyone that we meet on line is honest about who they are. People sometimes lie. Surprise! If the thought is that there will be a joining of lives and loves, there are practical considerations. Things like housing and income and insurance and bills and the like must be considered. I'd suggest investigating potential new partners fairly carefully. Background checks, and references, and sexual histories, and STD testing are all things to think about BEFORE making the leap into the deep waters of fulltime, live-in relating. I didn't do that, and I've had no regrets, but that doesn't mean I was wise or careful or sensible.

7) Living in a poly world is not easy. I think that people who first encounter the notion think that it is all about lots of sex and lots of choices and lots of variety. Maybe that happens for some people, and maybe it really does work out, but living in poly relationships is hard, and all that imagined sexiness can get buried in the realities of negotiating all the relational dynamics. Living day to day in a multi-partner relationship requires huge effort and energy. Everyone involved has to take responsibility for their own stuff. The communication has to be clear and open and consistent. You have to talk to each other about things even when you don't want to -- especially when you don't want to. You cannot duck the hard things. You can't always get what you want. No one can. So you have to be sure about what you will feel like and what you will do when your own wants and needs get put on hold for the benefit of someone else. There are great potential gains to choosing a poly relationship dynamic, but there are costs as well.

I have a friend who refers to "Pollyanna Poly's." They are the ones who will wax poetic about the joys of poly. I am not one of those. I love my partners, and I wouldn't trade our life for the world, but I wouldn't recommend this as a choice for most people. So, I guess I'm not the person to ask if you are wanting the "seal of approval" on your plans to stand your life on its head for a chance to become poly. If poly grabs you by the throat and won't let you go, then you should do your best to figure it out. Otherwise, there are way easier ways to get through life.

swan