M/s and Marriage "Proposals"

Kaya pointed me to a discussion on Fetlife about marriage proposals and Master/slave relationships. I've been absent from Fetlife, by choice, for a long while, but this has intrigued me enough to take me back there at least for now.

Beyond all of that, I am caught by the discussion of precisely how it might be that a Master would or should approach a slave regarding the question of marriage. The whole lengthy discussion appears to revolve around whether a Master can legitimately order a slave to marry, or whether marriage should be presented as a choice -- even though within the M/s dynamic the slave makes "no other choices." Opinions seem to vary widely. Imagine! Much of the wrangling, however, seems to pivot on some sort of distinction between the legal validity (and assumed permanence) of the marriage relationship compared to the perceived validity of the Master/slave relationship.

I think, as I contemplate this, that there are layers and layers of assumptions here that have not been examined, but which underpin the various contentions that people are making. Without understanding the notions that are fueling the fire, there's no way to untangle the confusion.

We live in a culture that views marriage in a very monolithic fashion. All of the language surrounding the act of marrying, carries deeply embedded meanings that we almost all share. That is the reality that allows the religious right in this country to define and hijack the debate about marriage equality with barely a challenge to the assumptions that they make. Theirs are assumptions that we nearly all share in a sort of unexamined, mob mentality, cultural, fuzzy-headed romanticism. It is all grounded in "happily ever after" fairy tales, and sappy Carpenter's musically invoked "We've Only Just Begun" imagery.

We believe, without any question, that it is the dream and the destiny of each one of us to engage in the dating and courtship dance that ends with the bended-knee proffering of the stunning diamond solitaire leading to a Lacy confectioner's sugared dress walk down the aisle with a handsome fellow in a classy tux. Cakes, flowers, limos, music, dancing, and all the rest are a shared fantasy that we don't even discuss because it just is the way it is supposed to be. There is an entire multi-billion dollar industry that thrives on our "marriage" dreams.

And, of course, participating in all of that folderol means that we are completely, totally, utterly in love and devoted to one another; going to be together forever; safe within the confines of marriage; never again to be plagued or worried about having to "go it alone" in the world of sex and relating.


If marriage is, then, such a huge step, and really the culmination of our personal journeys into adulthood, then it MUST be that the decision to marry or not is the single biggest decision any one of us will ever make. The marriage "proposal," wrapped as it is in tradition and history and expectation is really a short hand "conversation" about taking two lives that have, to this point in time, traveled their separate paths and setting them onto a single path from which there is no permissible deviation. Doing the proposal "right" is about acknowledging the customs and beliefs and expectations of the entire society. To do less; to eliminate the romance and dreaminess of the event is to deny the bride to be of her rights; her choice; her entire person hood. Simply shameful!


Of course, we all know that the "happily ever after" part of that story doesn't happen for all of us, or even most of us. But then, we also know that the "white lace and promises" part is an illusion in many cases too. Even in our culture, people marry for all kinds of reasons. Being "in love" is only one of them, and even that is often mixed into a stew of agendas, plans, and schemes that have very little to do with loving the partner. We marry for greed, for expedience, for appearance, for status, for security, for escape. We live inside of those marriages with whatever skills and personal relational talents we've brought to the bargain, and it sometimes works for every one's good. When it doesn't, we make decisions and choices about emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy, fidelity, persistence, and the meaning of vows that were made as much for show as for any other reason. What do the latest statistics tell us about divorce and cheating and spouse abuse and all the rest of the plagues that beset the institution that zealots would tell us is the very heart and fabric of our society?

Far too many of us buy the stories we've been told about marriage. Too many of us believe with an unshakable ferocity that marriage is "between one man and one woman," and that it has ALWAYS been that way. Our marriage myths are held in absolute contravention of the factual realities. What is true about marriage in our culture is that it derives its essential nature from the laws put forth by Roman emperors, and from policies promulgated by the catholic church as a mechanism to increase its own wealth and power.

In much the same way, there are a whole set of societal assumptions about those who practice BDSM, and when that practice reaches what some see as the "extreme" level of Master/slave, then the assumptions can get pretty wild.

The perceptions that most people have about BDSM are formed in large part by lurid and sensationalized material put forth for an audience that buys pornography. Just as the "vanilla" porn industry has little or no relationship to real life vanilla intimacy, BDSM porn doesn't come close to showing the truth of BDSM relationships. That is the fact, but it is very hard to overcome those entrenched and vivid images of Dommes with whips and serial murderers who go by the name of "Slave Master."

It is really pretty simple. "Normal" people tend to assume that BDSM practitioners are just perverts; sick fucks who don't form caring, committed relationships. And, our language is highly evocative. Tell someone that you are a "slave," or that You own a "slave," and that will surely elicit a visceral response. People who bother to discuss it at all will tell you that "slavery is not legal." Really. They will point to the fact that beginning such a relationship is a choice and that remaining in such a relationship is a choice, and that given that there are choices, there is no slavery involved. Don't you know that you are just playacting in an elaborate pretend scenario?
Never mind that SOME M/s folks really do have an intense connection that lasts for a lifetime. They're the ones who cannot live without each other and would not want to, for whom every action is made with an innate understanding of the other. It isn't "real."

I'd disagree. I do disagree. This is quite sincerely real. But that isn't the point here.

In the end there remains the question: can a Master order His slave to marry? Should He? Is the marriage proposal the ONE place where the M/s protocol should fall away and the "right" to make a choice be re-instated?

I come down on the side of those who say NO. The Master/slave commitment, where it is already in place, is all-encompassing and permanent. It is without the usual caveats that attach to most relational commitments (including marriage). Slaves don't promise to obey and serve when and however doing so pleases them, and Masters don't promise to never ask for or demand anything that might challenge the slave.

A marriage proposal, put forward as a non-proposal; in fact put in the form of command -- removes the thrill of romance, perhaps. The command encapsulates the legal commitment that is not recognized in the existing relationship, and refuses to acknowledge that there is any choice in the imposition of that legal status. To require a slave to enter into marriage conveys certain legal advantages on the partners; works to preserve and protect the integrity of the relationship; recognizes that marriage is a contract. For those already engaged in the contractual relationship that is the Master/slave dynamic, the layering on of an additional contract should pose no hurdle at all.

In the end, there is no refusal right granted to the slave. Maybe for some, there will be difficulty in this kind of a scenario -- a mourning for the wedding frippery that other girls get to have. Oh well. Life is like that. Belonging is better than a silly fluff of a dress any old day.

swan