He is moving back His accustomed role and mode with me, and that is exactly what I've been waiting for and longing for all these weeks.
Except that I am feeling as if I can't come "back in." I am feeling stuck in hyper-vigilant, control-freak mode. I am so tired and so worn out, and I just can't seem to let go and relax back into place. A feral creature is defined as having escaped from domestication and become wild. That's a really good description of where my head seems to be... just wild and unable to remember the more "tame" nature that I left behind to try and make it all work through this.I snarl and snap at the least perceived slight.
I get my feelings hurt over things that I can't even name.
My collar lays on the counter in the bathroom, and I can't seem to bring myself to put it on.
I am working my way through our sessions by telling myself over and over that "I am nothing but a slave." It keeps me calm, but leaves me feeling sad and hopeless.
We make love, but I have once again lost just about all my sexual responsiveness.
I know this is something going on inside my mind. It isn't like the depression I once fought my way through, but it does feel like I've gotten sidetracked, and I am lost and afraid -- unsure what I need to do to bring my heart and head back into some kind of harmony and balance.
I'm not looking for anyone to "fix" this, but if I seem quiet, you will know what I'm up to here.
swan
No 'fixes' dear friend. We both know that at times like this the answers have to come from within, and they will, in their own time.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime....lots of love and lots of hugs xxx
I keep wanting to say something but I don't know *what*. Especially since you said you don't want anyone trying to "fix" you.
ReplyDeleteBut I've had the feelings you're having myself before and I'm currently going through a similar feeling of "loss" due to outside changes in our own lives, so...is it so bad to just wait until you feel the urge again? Just give yourself a break right now?
You've been holding it together for them for so long and now that they are "back", maybe you just need to recoup, regroup and re-energize. Be surly and grumpy and get it out of your system instead of trying to stomp those feelings down.
Keep your arms crossed until you feel like uncrossing them. Maybe. Dunno, that's what I try to do and it usually works.
What *doesn't* work for me is trying to force myself to feel something I do not, I know that much.
nothing from this end .. 'cept one massive HUGE BIG hug..........
ReplyDeletemorningstar (owned by Warren)
Feral animals are agressive because they are fighting for their survival. It takes time and experience before you can let down your guard and trust the comforts of domesticity.
ReplyDeleteSuggestion for a new spanking mantra: "I am happy to belong to a healthy master."
Sending well wishes.
jojo
Will keep you close in mind and heart. Thanks for letting me in and telling me what you need; I do worry a bit when you're missing. Hope you find your rhythm soon.
ReplyDeleteHi sweetie! This was one of those moments where I feel as if I was destined to click on your blog! I feel much the same way, of late, though for different reasons. And sad as I truly am for you, I feel a little better to know I'm not alone with these feelings. Feral... such a perfect description. How could I have missed the animalness of that in trying to describe my own feelings and state of mind lately?
ReplyDeleteYou will find the answers, in your quietest, most introspective moments... as will I. It's just hard waiting for them to come... and I send you lots of cyber hugs to get you through the roughest times!