"If I were Tom ... I'd tie you up on that coffee table, give you the following mantra to repeat, "I am a beautiful, sexy woman and my Master loves me" and beat your ass every time you don't say it and say it like you mean it. Every day until it became second nature for you to believe it."
Now. My first reaction to that bit was that I hate it when slaves and submissives try to set each other up, and behave as if that behavior is cute or clever or somehow funny. But ... then I calmed down fairly quickly and I really do believe that Amber intended to be helpful and constructive in offering this bit of advice for Himself.
Actually, that approach is one that He used to use with me on a pretty regular basis. He would
refer to it as "rebooting," just like one might do with a wayward computer. Generally, rebooting was His response when He would perceive that I was engaged in self-talk that was self-denigrating and emotionally harmful to my well-being."Rebooting" always felt just brutal to me. Those sessions were not "technically" punishment in the absolute sense, but there was a serious disciplinary intent to them. He meant to create change, and He meant to make an impression. With all of that in play, I generally came off a "rebooting" session with intense bruising and welts, and as my skin grew more and more likely to break and bleed from spanking, it was not uncommon for there to be significant blood splatter when it was all over and done with.
I am sure that I must have written about those events here or at The Swan's Heart, but I can't seem to find any reference to them, so maybe not... It is just that I really think that there were people who commented about it -- who were often shocked and appalled at the whole idea. There were people who were quite serious about telling me that it was not possible to spank someone into changing their internal belief system. How can it be that I remember comments to posts that seemingly never existed? Hmmmm...
Anyway. There has not been a "rebooting" in a really long time. I'd like to say that He convinced me that negative self-talk is something I just don't ever do, but that is really not the case. I can still get pretty down on myself by times. I think that it is much more a matter of His adjusting what He does with me to accommodate my changing capacities. He is surely naturally inclined to be sadistic, and He remains entirely Dominant with me, but He also loves me; wants the best for me; does not want to cross some line that would put Him in the position of feeling that He was harming or abusing me. I don't know if He made some conscious decision at some point, or if it was just the way things evolved between us. I only know that it is what it is now.
So, thanks for the thought, Amber. Not a new idea around here -- maybe just something that has gone the way of other things that were part of our lives when we were both younger. I don't know... don't really have to know.
swan
swan - you may not have been able to find the blog entry on rebooting but i remember reading about it...
ReplyDeleteSir had a similar approach to my negativity ... and it too has stopped... not my negative thoughts - but His form of "rebooting"....
i seriously wonder if rebooting really did any good ......... or did i just push those negative feelings further down inside ???
anyway - that's it for my brilliant comment this morning.. sorry ... i seem to be a wee bit brain dead........ hope you got the gist of what i was trying to say
morningstar (owned by Warren)
both morningstar and your blog bring up some issues for me that I've thought a great deal about - basically it is sort of heretical… like maybe sometimes it’s ok to let things just be pushed down, away, ignored ? It seems to me that sometimes pulling of scabs just causes a lot more infection …
ReplyDeleteI certainly recall Amber's comment and was very tempted to comment then, but never got to a point of sorting through my mixed reactions to her suggestions to compose a response. A large part of that reaction was grateful appreciation for her suggestion. It provided validation for some of the very intensive disciplinary blisterings I'd given swan in the past for seriously denigrating her self-worth. Amber, I don't know how seriously you menant to suggest this intervention, or if you were being more tongue in cheek. In any case, you were very much on the mark in describing some previous interventions I've made with swan.
ReplyDeleteI was tempted of course to follow through on your suggestion, and I am sure that part of swan's reaction to it was comment's potential to increase the likelihood of her being severely whipped. These interventions have not b een "fun" for either of us, but most certainly not for her.
I pride myself on having a sense of when this sort of discipline would be consructive. Times when I have done this in the past, swan's consciousness was so filled with, and actively engaged in, self-loathing that there was little room in her phenomenology for anything else. If there was anything that was accomplished by my spanking her so severely, it may well have been a significant interruption of her internal monologue: an interruption that derailed her previous thought process to the extent that a void remained--a void that had to be replaced with a new thought stream.
Those folks who believe you cannot significantly change someone's internal belief system by spanking them, have likely not been extremely severely blistered by someone who knew what he was doing and with whom they had a very intensive love. When I did those spankings I did not enjoy them. I was performing a role and technique I had perfected during pursuit of my sensual erotic orientation, to reach out to someone I loved and communicate that I would no longer tolerate her harming herself and thus hurting me, and to make it way too costly to her, and to me, for her to continue. The effect was always profound. No, it did not remove her ability to ever have negative thoughts about herself ever again, but it did cause that to diminish almost completely, even if that was through huge supression. It permitted a new phenomenology to begin. These were times of crisis, when run away cycles of self-loathing seemed to preclude any option for improvement.
So far I have felt that swan's and our current situation is different. She has had to behave for a couple of months in ways that are contrary to our usual relationship. To an extent our power exchange has beeb itemporarily intentionally reversed. I was so ill at times during my surgery's aftermath that she very much became caretaker and to a degree was Dominant. It is not difficult for her to find those skills in her reportoire. She is Dominant in may ways in her personal life and certianly in her professional life. Our power exchange is seminal to our relationship, our love, and her security at a level that approaches spirituality. It required a suspension of this key dynamic for her to become Dominant in the interest of caring for me and of becoming aggressive advocate to have me well cared for after my surgery when I was too weak and ill to be that for myself. It is confusing for her to do that and has required her to sacrifice this dynamic that nurtures her soul and reinfices her security. She is trying to regain her orientation now that I am to a great degree recovered.
Might it be that were I to stamp my foot and say, "OK enought of this! I am back, and I am in charge and I am going to blister you so you know it," perhaps this reorientation would be resolved more rapidly? When I have done this before my decision to do this was based 75% on intuition, and 25%on reason. My instincts now, and so far, have not lead me to that approach. It is not to say I will not feel that eventually, but for now I am letting her work her way through this without my "rebooting" her.
Is this because it would not help her? Is this because I am not sure I am ready? Is this because as Selkie has suggested I am letting healing occur with the scab unmolested (sertainly an evocativ e analogy in this household recently:)? I am not sure, other than I am sure what my decision is at this point.
It has been helpful for me to explore this and my own feelings. Thank you to amber, morningstar, Selkie, and of course my swan for bringing this discussion to fruition.
All the best,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
Forgive me if I sound spacey today as I have a horrible cold and had to take some dayquil which wipes me right out but Swan, yes, you are right, I *so* did NOT mean to set you up the way I have also seen done and don't care for either. I meant it honestly as constructive advice and I'm glad you saw that.
ReplyDeleteBut I forgot you are often conflicted about the discipline, swan. I relate; I don't like hard, long spankings either which is why we stopped that years ago. Dan doesn't care how it gets done as long as it does, so when spanking didn't work, it was no biggie for him to change. He still smacks me when it's appropriate but not like we started out doing. Because it didn't help me either, in fact, it caused me to act out in ways we didn't understand for years after, not fully.
So I was speaking from my perspective today, where when I need a "rebooting" (love that term!) Dan slaps me across the face or breasts or ass as an attention getter and reminder of my place as I repeat mantras back to him. If I don't speak quickly enough or sincerely enough, I keep getting smacked and lectured until I do.
I actually love sessions like that although I won't admit it beforehand.
But I understand Tom's POV, too, which is, the Dominant naturally wants to help the sub when we are down on ourselves. For his/her own good. What they want for us is our happiness, that's what they really want. Obedience, compliance, fulfillment and peace.
I guess what I meant to say was that whatever works for you two in your dynamic to help bring her back, do it. If it's letting time work its magic, if it's a "come to Jesus meeting" (saw that on Kaya's blog and it's quite apt for some of OUR meetings, hahaha), or, as I erroneously thought the tie-down-and-beat, whatever it is, as long as it works and you are all happy.
And Tom you obviously love swan, know swan best and what will work best for her and that's what's important.
Another thought, swan, is to simply kneel. Simply kneeling seems very easy, doesn't it, and don't we do a lot of it? But sometimes that's the hardest thing to do of our own accord outside of a formal scene.
Easier to accept the "corrections".
Hard to voluntarily be that vulnerable. At least for me it is. Sometimes.
Anyway, in my drug-induced haze, I babble, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry I assumed when I shouldn't have but I'm glad it brought about some discussion for ya'll. :)
Although after reflection I think if someone had said such a thing in my comments, I would have been pissed. Well, actually, I HAVE had people say such things in my comments and I have gotten pissed, lol! As in, "OH YEAH? What do YOU know about it? MEH!"
But it always made me think, too.
Anyway, see how I babble? I should write a blog, for god's sake, and not take up all the commenting space, sheesh! :)
I, too, remember reading something about 'rebooting", Swan, so you did write about it at some point. We change, we grow, we age; we become different people, and so need different things at different times.
ReplyDeleteTom, I just wonder as I read what you wrote if you don't read Swan so very effectively now that you know what she needs, and that even if something else is called for later in your mind, you recognize a need for time to think and process now. I read in your words great understanding, gratitude, admiration, and respect - with all that you will both surely find your way.
As much as you speak of "rebooting", or "maintenance", (and i am not that younger) your relationship after such a trial will be irrevocably changed, at least in subtle ways. There is no system restart, or do not pass go, lets go back to the way before. i have been there, i know. i have found we have to go on loving each other and living life, do what you can for each other.
ReplyDeleteMy Master has something called "Reminders" which are a similar concept. It's probably the most severe thing I've ever experienced, and it's only happened two or three times in our five years together. I too have mixed emotions, but it certainly clarifies things if nothing else. Brings everything into sharp focus.
ReplyDeletemorningstar and selkie--You may both be right that there are some things that are better off left alone. Some hurts do just heal on their own and are better if we don't mess with them too much... I'm not convinced, though, that it is true for everything. I suppose that the tricky thing is to know the difference.
ReplyDeleteAmber, I really did understand your intent here, and I appreciate the concern...
ReplyDeleteI think that one of the things that you point to in your comment is the need for remaining open and vulnerable. I think that what I'm struggling with is finding my way back to the sense of security that allows the vulnerability. That will, I think, in this case just take some time. As He feels stronger, I feel safer. The balance will return.
swan
Impish-- and others who remembered those earlier posts, I did eventually find at least one called Reboot, and so that may be what I remembered, but who knows.
ReplyDeleteYou are right that He knows me so well, that His judgement about how to approach my skittishness is just about unerring.
swan