Contact Info --

Email us --

Our Other Blogs --
We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.


Captive to a Stereotype

I have become entirely caught up in the cascade of responses that were evoked in me by being included in the "sexy blogger" award rage that is currently passing through our corner of cyberspace.

My initial reaction was simply, that's nice but it doesn't make any sense because I am clearly not in the same place as all the cute young things that are working this one. Sometimes I really do feel like the old lady on the block... wouldn't you all like to come in and have some tea and look at my doilies?

Then, my move to say, "Thanks but no thanks," was met with protests from a number of commenters -- all working to assure me that "sexy" is in the mind after all. It's a nice sentiment, driven by great kindness, but it doesn't work for me. It puts me right back to my gangly, awkward adolescence when I was known as "very bright," but clearly not "date bait."

So I suppose I have fallen victim to sexual and gender stereotyping that would likely get me divested of my feminist membership card, but the truth is that I know what I think of when someone says, "that is one sexy woman." The images that statement evokes haven't got one thing to do with all those positive attributes that people tried to lay on me...
So, maybe what I'm really stuck with here is a "linguistic" variance of the same caliber as those discussions of what words like "slave" or "ownership" or "property" mean. For me, "sexy" means something very specific, and for right or wrong, that is about a physical presentation in the world. I am simply not able to get to that place where being a really good cook or an excellent musician or a really accomplished homemaker becomes "sexy."
Language is like that. For all of us. The words we use are symbols that we use to designate meaning and sense. We build language out of shared meanings, and those meanings are evocative of our sense of the thing itself. So, if we designate some object as "tree," we are using the linguistic symbol to represent the actual botanical organism. Our ability to comprehend what is meant by the word, is deeply rooted in our senses with regard to the trees we have encountered over time. That means that, in my mind, the word tree evokes images of majestic, dark, brooding evergreens, but the same word may bring up images of tall, slender palms against a tropical sky for someone else. We generally cross over one another's meaning "senses," and we come to generally encompass a wide collection of images for each of the language symbols we use. However, when our experiences diverge too widely, we run into trouble because we absoluetly believe what our senses tell us about the content of the term in question. When that occurs, nothing will dissuade us from that point of view and our ability to communicate breaks down.
Burned into my consciousness, is the experience of being physically awkward, gangly, too tall, unpopular, buck-toothed, pimply-faced, outcast. Bright, serious, and shy, but never the one who got invited to parties, and never ever asked to a prom or a home-coming. I saw girls, and later women who were defined and described as "sexy" and "hot," and they were completely alien creatures from my vantage point. I knew, from early on, that I'd never join the ranks of the sexy, genetic stars that glimmered so far beyond my reach.
Don't use that word to describe me. It doesn't fit. I don't feel it, don't believe it, don't like it. It makes me feel snarly and frustrated and as if the joke is at my expense somehow.
Or perhaps I'm just feeling grumpy and out of sorts. Maybe I'm raining on everyone's parade for no reason. That's possible. I think this was meant to be fun, and it really does feel to me like there is very little about life that is fun or light-hearted. I'm experiencing this as work, as serious, as very real. There's no playfulness in any of this for me just now. I can feel that that is my problem and not being caused by anyone else. It is reactive on my part. I apologize. Maybe try me again later?


  1. just sending hugs and reassurance that I get what you're saying. I think it was really sweet of Carrie Ann to nominate you (and I understand completely why she did)- but I also know that snarly, uncomfotable feeling - as if being in a spotlight - as if someone is setting you up. I`m just sorry you feel that way - but youre entitled to - and you`re entitled to bitch about it too and tell people that you`re not comfortable with it.

    Having been that tall, awkward (acne-NOT just pimples), in my case, small chested girl - I SO understand where you`re coming from.

  2. ya know what??? selkie said it all...


    morningstar (owned by Warren)

  3. Impish17:24 PM

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now. Things have been so tough for you for so long now - thinking of you.
    Make no mistake, though, Swan - the joke is never on you. You have shown yourself to be a woman of great substance here - that gawky girl is gone forever!

  4. Swan,
    I don't want to bug you about this, to make you feel uncomfortable or even snarlier. But, tell me this, do you think Tom is sexy? Does he think you are? What about T?

    Sexy is far more about mind than about body for me. Someone who gets what turns you on, and bothers to do it, that's sexy...

    Just my opinion.

  5. oh swan, i know soooo very well what it is to feel that "i'm old, i'm not a hottie, all these people are young and beautiful" mindset. i'm 51, short, round and wrinkled. The other day my Master took a pic of me in a very less than modest position. i didnt know He had taken it and when He oh so happily showed it to me all i could say was OMG!! For the life of me i couldnt figure out why He would show me! i was mortified as i looked at every single glaring imperfection. It actually made me wince. Then i stopped dead in my tracks as i looked at His very sincere joy. He showed me because to Him, i was sexy, hot, beautiful and he wanted to share it with me. Not for one second did He think anyone, including me, could look at it and see anything other than a sexy slave girl.
    Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder and usually our own eyes are the most damning of all.

  6. Anonymous2:57 AM


    oh the sexy blog thing is b.s. and i wouldn't want to be included in it either. and i can tell you for a fact that SOME of those involved are outright hypocrites and have in the past made demeaning remarks regarding "fat, unattractive subs".

    but putting all that b.s. aside, have you ever found a man sexy and hot for reasons other than his appearance? i do consistently. the last man i was hot over was skinny, wrinkled and suffering from e.d. no matter. he is still the sexiest man in the world to me. why can't we apply the same standards to ourselves? i for one am going to try to start.


  7. Tom said:

    You are absolutely sexy to me physically and in terms of all of the other aspects of our life that make our relationship so exciting and vital.If *I* were Tom (and I'm not suggesting anything or nuthin' like that, no no no, not me) but if *I* were Tom, I'd tie you up on that coffee table, give you the following mantra to repeat, "I am a beautiful, sexy woman and my Master loves me" and beat your ass every time you don't say it and say it like you mean it.

    Every day until it became second nature for you to believe it.


    (PS - I have had a similar thing done to me and guess what? It works.)

  8. ACK! We do NOT want Swan thinking T is sexy.... (oh the burning!! My Eyes! My EYESSSSS!!!!)


  9. Swan,

    One of the sexiest women I know is a 65-year-old submissive. She looks like anyone would expect a woman that age to look.

    But, when I see her at a play party, in a scene with her Master/husband (who is the same age), she is breath-taking. Her joy in her submission infects everyone around her. Her pride in her service just oozes from every pore.

    And, seeing that.....well, she's sexy as hell! And every man there, of every age, thinks so. They are all thinking about what they would give to have someone like her.

    So, Swan, YOU are sexy, too!

    Love to you and yours,


Something to add? Enter the conversation with us.