To Hear or Not to Hear....that is the Question?

So in follow up to the preceding post we went off down the yellow brick road to see the Wizard......the Dr. ENT. We were taken into to an exam room with a sound booth and audio metric "stuff." We were treated very supportively and with deference to how wonderful it is that she seems to have sudden hearing improvement. They explained how different the new audio metric tools were (ear buds not ear phones, etc.) and proceeded to test her. There was first pressure to test the volume and response of the ear drum.............all normal....both ears.

Then there were hearing tests. In the early going the woman testing us said that there was evidence of some slight hearing response in her "deaf' ear. I was excited. Eventually the woman testing her brought in another more highly trained and credentialed person and they did a number of tests which control for conductivity (bleed over of hearing from the good ear or from vibrations effecting the skull which are sensed rather than via the auditory nerve.) The test was difficult and at times swan was in tears at feeling she heard "beeps" in her "deaf" ear. They told me they did tests that went beyond the usual regimen in light of her situation.


So we were ushered into the all knowing and all powerful ENT Dr. wizard guy. Everyone told us he is a huge expert in complicated hearing loss cases. It was obvious in responding to his early questions about swan's case that he had no knowledge of her history, but had reviewed the audio metric results. He explained that their testing indicated that she had 100% normal hearing in her "good" ear, and no hearing at all in her "deaf" ear. As for her suddenly being able to discern the direction from which sounds emanated, the degrees of sound,etc. he lectured us about the amazing ability of the brain to sometimes accommodate for the loss of discernment experienced by "unilateral hearers" to "learn" to interpret the sound heard by the good ear similarly to normal hearing. He told us that he expected her brain had learned some "new tricks" and that was a good thing. He had made it clear early on that he wanted to speak to her and not me (my lack of standing as a "real spouse"?.....who knows). He explained to her that her hearing loss is the result of a bacterial infection, a viral infection, or an auto-immune problem. He told her hers was clearly the result of a bacterial problem. Despite his disinterest in hearing from me, I asked if the fact that she had had simultaneous sudden hearing loss in both ears 16 years ago, with the hearing returning in one ear and not the other was pertinent? Suddenly he looked perplexed and said that if that was the case then it must be the result of a viral infection and not a bacterial infection. He also said that even in that case no one had ever had their hearing restored longer than three months after the hearing loss. To say that swan was/is disappointed and frustrated would be huge understatement.

We are left with unanswered questions.......some of which we asked Dr. Wizard with no real response. Why did they when they were first testing her get responses to beeps in her "deaf" ear when later they said the test indicated no hearing response? Why suddenly if a cell phone rings in our condo is she able to locate where the sound is originating when she could never do that before? Why can she suddenly tell the directionality of sound in her school? Is all this a "trick", some sort of magic neurological accommodation that suddenly came to pass Wednesday night, despite her continued deafness? How could he have failed to notice the "detail" that she originally lost hearing in both ears, with hearing eventually returning to one ear?

I don't doubt that Dr. Wizard is experienced and knowledgeable. He too appeared less than open to us (especially me).........and yes, I do know this is about her and not me.............but sometimes I do have a thought or two......that might add to the conversation. I was a witness to her event Wednesday night, whatever it was/is. He knows so firmly that no one's hearing ever returns, that I am left not feeling confident that if there had been evidence of her actually hearing, he would not notice it. It is a paradigm that is not to be threatened.........this irreversability of sudden hearing loss....or that is how I/we were left feeling. If there is a third option in the etiology of this, in auto-immune disease, why is that not explored? There is history of auto-immune disease in her family.

The fact is sue is perceiving things she has not for 16 years. Perhaps because of some sort of neurological accommodation.......and that is neat.

The unfortunate part of this, is she feels embarrassed...........like she has somehow deluded herself into some thing that is not real, and the style of interaction with Dr. Wizard didn't help that. I am telling her that perception is perception and the medical explanation is irrelevant. I am telling her how proud I am of her and of course how much I love her. T is right there as well. At least we have ruled out any medical problems....like a tumor or something.......as a cause for this change.

This test, which took over an hour, and the whole experience was difficult for swan........and certainly the disappointment too is hard.

Thank you to all of you who have responded so warmly to us as this has evolved.

All the best,

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

Deaf

The appointment at the ENT lasted well over two hours. Much of that time was spent with some unbelievably intense testing of my hearing. By the time it was over with, I was incredibly shaken and feeling very wiped out. I was also very emotional.

Master sat in during the hearing test, and His feeling/understanding was that the audiologist found some slight but documentable hearing in the formerly deaf ear. When the testing was done, we were sent back to the waiting room to wait for the doctor to see us. I think we waited about 15 or 20 minutes. Then, we were called back to the examination room, and waited a bit longer.

When the doctor appeared, he was blunt: "there's no hearing in that ear."

It was like being kicked in the stomach. Master and I went back over the history (the doctor had clearly not read the chart information), but the story did not change. Nerve deafness, likely caused by a viral infection way back a decade and a half ago. Nothing that can be done. If there were going to be any recovery from this, according to this doctor, it would have happened in the first three months.

Still, I am adamant that what has changed has changed. I can detect the directionality of sounds. I can sense the relative distances of sounds. I am aware of resonances to voices and music that I haven't had any inkling of for years and years.

The doctor had no real explanation. He indicated that it was the brain, making accomodations for the loss -- after all this time. His take: "the brain does amazing things."

OK.

I am disappointed at some level. But it is an odd, disconnected sort of disappointment. I had a lot invested in this "restored hearing" phenomenon. Still, when I consider the "outcome" here, I am left with improved functioning. I AM hearing more and better than I was two days ago. Whatever the explanation, whatever the limitations of the science, whatever the dismissive bent of this medical professional, I hear what I did not previously.

Thank you all for investing in the possibilities with me and for me. Whatever we choose to call this, it is for me a huge and wondrous gift.

swan

Hearing

Just over sixteen years ago, I was sitting at home in my living room, grading students' school work. I was home alone, when suddenly, I heard a huge roaring sound.

That night, I lost my hearing. In the beginning, I was completely deaf in both ears, hearing nothing at all but that atrocious roaring. Within the first three days, the hearing in my right ear recovered, but my left ear was completely, profoundly, stone deaf.

I went through a very long, very challenging period of rehabilitation to learn to stand upright, to learn to read people's faces and lips, to learn to live well in my half and half world between the deaf and the hearing.

The best guess of the medical professionals that I saw at the time, and since, was that some sort of viral infection had damaged the auditory nerve. It has come to be the norm of my world. I simply do not hear on that side, and I've learned to cope pretty darn well.

Last night, around 11:00 PM, I was sitting in the living room talking with Master when suddenly there was a sensation in my deaf ear, much like the sort of popping that happens when our ears adjust to pressure changes. Suddenly, His voice was deeper, lower, more resonant and booming. I shook my head and shifted my seat, but the sensation remained.

Somehow, after more than a decade and a half, some part of my lost hearing has returned. Tonight, about 24 hours after the initial event, I am slowly accommodating the shift.

Last night, sleeping snuggled into His side, I discovered that I could hear the rhythmic in and out of His C-pap machine. Most nights, as I drift off to sleep lying on my good ear, I lose the ability to hear His machine making its noises, and I frequently wake up afraid because I haven't heard Him "breathe." None of that last night... I HEARD Him breathing even as I slept comfortably on my hearing side.

Today, the sounds in the school seemed layered. Always I've been aware of the "rumble" of the school around me, but the sound has never been differentiated. It is just the roar of my world. This morning, as I stepped into the hallway, I could tell that the 8th graders down the hall to my right were humming away, discussing some bit of history with their teacher. Down the central stairway, I could detect the sweet, young voices of a group of 2nd graders reading with an aide in the hallway, and off to my left, there were 5th graders making excited sounds in their classrooms that are away and around the corner from me. All of that is about direction; the where of sound, and it is an awareness that I've not had for a very long time.

Tonight, driving in the car, listening to the radio, I was able to stop up the "good" ear and feel the sound shift to a lower volume, and away to my levt and behind me. Now, I know the sound isn't moving around me, but this business of having sound "sound" different based on coming into one ear or the other is a "new" experience.

Now, as I sit here, writing this bit of a story, we have the stereo on, and I am surprised about the subtleties I've been missing. There are base notes, and resonances, and amazing riffs that I've never noticed. It brings me to tears.

Tomorrow morning, at 9:30, I will see an ENT to explore what I might do to extend, capture, and enhance this wondrous new experience. It wasn't easy to make that appointment happen. Doctor's appointments in the morning during school days are very complicated events. I managed to find a substitute to cover me in the morning, and I dragged myself back into school tonight to set up the necessary plans for him. So, it is all set. I'll see the specialist tomorrow, and we'll begin the process of learning how I might re-enter the hearing world.

I don't believe in miracles. Still, I am going to tell you that I never expected to hear anything in that ear again. I am just wide-eyed. Amazed. A little scared.

I just wanted to tell you all...

swan

Reboot

In the first couple of years after I moved to be with Master and T, there were occasions when I'd get into a space where my internal monologue was pretty negative. I'd get down on myself and begin to be very critical of my looks, my abilities, my intellect... You name it, I'd get started fussing, and pretty soon, I'd be convinced that I was worthless and good for nothing.

Master took exception to that thinking pattern. In His view, since I was "His," my self-denigrating talk was about HIS property, and therefore not acceptable. He reacted, on several occasions by restraining me bent over the end of our futon sofa, and giving me a severe blistering. He refered to this practice as "rebooting" me. I remember those events today, and my stomach still clenches. I experienced those sessions as traumatically painful and intensely aversive. I also remember that, afterwards, I would come up into a mind space that was gentler, calmer, and significantly more balanced. As difficult as those events were, they were also "good for me" in some very real way.

Of course, rebooting is a bit of computer jargon, and has nothing at all to do with BDSM. To reboot is to restart a computer and reload the operating system. The most common reasons to reboot are because the installation of new software or hardware requires it, or because applications are not responding for some reason. In Master's mind, the intense, punishment-style beatings He inflicted during those sessions "reset" my thinking and brought me back to a more appropriate set of responses.

I woke up this morning at just about 4AM. It is terribly dark at that hour, and awesomely quiet. Lying there blinking in the darkness, I found myself shaking internally, feeling very unsettled and very "small." I wriggled and squirmed, trying to get deeper into His embrace -- desperate for the warmth and security of His arms around me. I was just feeling terribly unsteady and unsure, and there is no real reason that I can identify for that. All I know is that I am feeling touchy and grouchy with the world, lately. I am worrying and obsessing about the outcome of the pending election. I am stressed, as we all are these days, about money. I have no patience for the "stupid" people of the world -- I find myself wanting to argue and fuss when I would normally simply shrug and walk away. I am not particularly sad, but I am not feeling steady either, and that makes me very nervous and jittery.

As I waited out the minutes until it would officially be "morning," I found myself thinking about those "rebootings" of so many years ago. In my head, I could hear the myself talking with myself. One very tiny and frightened voice whispers that I need to be "rebooted -- that it would be good for me." I can feel myself sort of nodding along with that, knowing that (at least in the past) I really did seem to benefit from that sort of treatment in the past. On the other side of the internal battle, is a voice that asks incredulously, "Are you out of your mind?! Rebooting is awful and painful and terribly scary. Just pull yourself together and don't even go there."

Sigh.

I am feeling caught. I am wondering what it is that I really need and want. I feel as if I need to talk with Master about this, but I don't actually know what it is that I need to say, and I don't want to annoy Him with my lack of a definitive answer. I feel so lost...

swan

A Meme

Sara tagged me. I don't usually DO memes. Probably, in all the years I've written here, there have been one or two memes that I've participated in. This will up the count by one...



The Rules-
* Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
* Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog - some random, some weird.
* Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
* Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I am the oldest child in my family -- I had three younger brothers who, if you paid attention to my dad when he was angry with one of them, seemed to all be named "HangGreggKurt."

2. I spent 18 years working in the oil and gas and minerals industry. I remember when we thought it would be "heaven" if oil would hit $20.00 a barrel again.

3. I carried a petition in Wyoming for the Equal Rights Amendment to the US Constitution.

4. I was pregnant with my son before I married his father.

5. I was raised Catholic. I teach in a Catholic school. I am not Catholic -- nor am I "Christian" in any sense that most folks would recognize.

6. I love oyster stew.

7. I am deathly afraid of spiders.

I'm not going to tag anyone else. If you want to play, please do.

swan

Kitchens

Our living arrangements have been discussed here before. We live, side by side, in two condominiums which have identical, although mirror-imaged, floor plans. We've laid stepping stones, both front and back, that allow us to ramble between the two places and treat them as one household.

We sometimes talk, and dream, and imagine the possibilty of one home, under one roof. Inevitably, in doing that, we come to wonder how we might establish that single address without giving up the things we value in having our two "homes" that are one "home." One thing that comes up, every time we talk about it, is the "kitchen situation."

We have two kitchens; two stoves, two ovens, two refrigerators, two sinks, two dishwashers, two working pantries... We each have our own cookware -- the pots and pans and utensils that are the commonplaces of any kitchen. Our tastes in these items is divergent. T likes hers and I like mine -- my pans, my knives, my glasses... We keep our pantries and our refrigerators differently, and we stock different items. In our two kitchens we are simply different, although each of us fancies ourself a pretty good cook.

Not surprisingly, perhaps, in all the time we've spent together, our only serious scrapes have been in the kitchen. We are careful to not step on one another's toes in the kitchen. Help? Of course. We both do what we can to help and assist, but we've learned through years spent doing this dance, that we may share a great love and that is good. We just need to stay out of one another's kitchens.

And that is the practical truth of living polyamorously.

swan

When It Isn't "Fun"

Every now and then, something comes up in the daily round of “blogs that I read” that goes beyond the convivial on-going "conversation between friends" level that we all engage in a lot of the time. I don’t mean that in any sort of disparaging sense – I really enjoy our slow and relaxed and friendly chatter back and forth. Sometimes though, someone starts down a path that is way more intense – a place where it becomes NECESSARY to respond more thoughtfully and more deeply than we might otherwise. We do that for each other, and it is a good thing.

That’s exactly how it feels when I read the recent posts from my friend, Sara. If you don’t follow closely there, then perhaps a bit of background will help. Sara, and her husband, Grant, practice Domestic Discipline – and have for about four years. Sara and I have had some really good conversations about the similarities and differences between our respective power dynamics (here, here, and here), and I believe we’ve both grown as a result of that dialog.

Sara’s father died about three months ago, after a long illness, and as anyone can understand, she is deeply immersed in the work of mourning his loss. Too, Sara has a young adult son who struggles with mental illness. As a parent of a child with mental health issues, I can attest to the pain and worry that can arise when our children are in crisis. There is only so far we, as parents, can go to help – beyond that is a place of worry and desperate fear, and yes, anger.

Stop, for just a minute or two, and try and feel your way into the space that my friend is living inside of at this moment… Once you have done that, you are ready to start reading through the conversation we are having…

Sara first broached the subject of her current struggle here. She writes (in part):

"I cannot remember ever feeling really disinterested in spanking. Our ritual spankings twice a week are pretty much the corner stone of our Dd dynamic. Recently, though, it has become a bit of a struggle for me. I just don’t want to be spanked. I have been anyway. My husband has learned through trial and error that consistency is everything, and my Mr. Steady, he keeps going…I have complained a bit, wheedled a bit, pouted a bit, and then been spanked anyway. The spankings are making me cry, and I don’t want to. I am already wrestling with keeping myself together, and when he really spanks, I come unglued… he says I need to let go and cry, and spanks harder… I am angry… and have been pulling away a bit… He is not fixing this…he is as helpless as I am. He is supposed to be the guy in charge. That means he should have the answers, know the way, can protect me and make things right…"

I responded that I’ve “…been there and done that,…” and offered some words of support and affirmation.

Master, wrote at some length, from the perspective of the Dominant part of the exchange:
“Sara, these are difficult phases, especially for you, but for Grant too. They require steadfastness and honesty from both the Top and Bottom from my experience.
You need to be spanked consistently and unrelentingly despite your not “enjoying” it. We’re talking about spankings here…they’re not intended to be inherently enjoyable experiences after all.
Your increased emotionality during your spankings is likely an appropriate expression of your very understandable current phenomenological frame and general emotional state. The drama of routine unavoidable spankings and the threat of even more spanking, if you would behave to warrant that, likely are providing both a degree of diversion, relief, and security from what you are living through. That said too, being spanked is difficult and down right aggravating...
I do think the mythos that surrounds DD makes this more difficult. The Internet guru’s of DD, while they succeed in empowering couples to rationalize away the stigma they’d feel if they admitted they were engaging in SM behavior, also set DD couples up for a more difficult time when they encounter these phases where things just don’t work the way DD philosophers tell everyone things will be...
…we have gone through these phases, at times for protracted periods. swan still got spanked…There were times when her anger grew to such an extent that she literally physically attacked me in blind rage…She knows that I am here for her and that she will be spanked……for joy, for connection, for fun, for intimacy, for security, for eroticism, for discipline, whether she likes it or not………when she feels good as a result and when she doesn’t."

Sara – responded with some more comments, thoughts, and explanations of her own. She also asked for clarification on Master’s DD comments.
And then, she posted the “next installment:” which was largely a window into her internal monologue with Master:

"Here’s the real problem for me. I know that spankings hurt…get that. But what you do with that hurt inside, where it goes, what it triggers is a different thing entirely. Maybe the libido is at a low or maybe it is just being emotionally full with hard stuff, but the pain that often takes me to better places inside me, and ultimately makes us feel more connected, instead taps into anger and fear, and then the pain is just pain, and I have enough inside right now, without the pain of the spanking…thanks very much. I get angry, feel more distant, sad that the experience didn’t help me/us…Getting through a painful spanking just for the sake of it seems pretty harsh…for what? If we cannot reach the goal right now…to feel better, to connect, find that us place we get to, and if there is not a punishment to be had…why spank?…if I am not getting anything out of this, and we need to keep going for us, why the heck is it, always and every time, my butt on the line???"

All of that is so convoluted and so complex and so painfully honest about what it feels like to be in a power-based relationship when the “magic” stops working, and it feels like nothing “good” is coming out of the struggle. Here’s at least some of the discussion and thought process we’ve been engaged in on our side of the conversation:

We both remember, so clearly the very difficult couple of years that followed my hysterectomy. I battled through some severe depression, and wallowed in huge anger at the changes to my sexual responsiveness in the aftermath of that surgery. It seemed, to me, that there was something terribly unfair about having to still engage in the very challenging and painful process of BDSM spanking play when my body was seemingly devoid of any sort of libido that might take me to some sort of “pay back.” I careened from emotion to emotion, always feeling like somehow, He was to blame for the state of affairs in my life. It was, most assuredly, “my butt on the line,” but it was both of us on the line with our hearts and our fears. We survived and have come to a very good place, and neither of us believes that it was simply luck or the passage of time. The truth is that our BDSM dynamic informed the decisions that we made, provided us with models and guides to follow, and helped us to understand and cope with the range of emotional responses that we encoutered along the way.

That is, in very large part, the truth that underpins the comments that Master made regarding DD. Domestic Discipline is a unique and interesting subset of the BDSM universe. For the most part, people who find and ascribe to DD, especially as a singular practice, tend to hold to a world view that their lifestyle is somehow more wholesome than what goes on in BDSM. It is possible, and even pretty commonplace, to find people who practice Domestic Discipline, who will express real discomfort with labels like “masochist” and “sadist.” DD puts itself out as a way to create harmonious relationships, establish order in the household, and create a clear leadership ladder within the family structure. It is sometimes couched in language that makes it seem consistent with mainstream religious beliefs, or perhaps it is garbed in a patina of being just the “natural way” between men and women – a way to reinforce and affirm the masculine and feminine sides of our human selves. It is entirely possible to spend a good long time within a domestic discipline framework, and not come to any sort of confrontation with the underlying personality that is quite likely an intrinsic part of an attraction to the practice of adult consensual spanking.

That may not present any sort of difficulty as long as things go along smoothly and easily. Trouble can ensue however, when the story goes bad. If DD is supposed to make everything more harmonious and more peaceful, then when the peace and harmony is shattered, it is hard to reconcile what is happening. Anger is a natural result. If the DD “Head of Household” is supposed to lead, supposed to manage, supposed to decide, then that person ought to darn well make sure that life is good, happy, peaceful, and fulfilled. It makes for a very good story, but it doesn’t work that way in real life. No person, no matter how naturally inclined to run the show, can keep all strife at bay. Death and disease and trauma and adversity are part and parcel of the human condition.


Sara points to the dilemma that is presented in this: "I know that spankings hurt…get that. But what you do with that hurt inside, where it goes, what it triggers is a different thing entirely." In the world of BDSM, there is a familiarity with this response. We BDSM'ers are aware that spanking taps into places in the human psyche that may be angry, hurt, mistrustful, damaged, scared, or simply very primitive in some way. We spend time talking about that potential, and we discuss the process of managing those emotional and psychological "land mines" so that we are prepared, in some fashion, for the actual eventuality of bringing up huge emotional responses. Within the lifestyle, it isn't viewed as unusual, or particularly bad for this to occur. It simply is. We know about it, and we deal with it -- just as we might deal with a blood sugar drop, or a vascular event, or any other unexpected "emergency" in a scene. Within BDSM practice as well there is study and technical work on the "how to's" of internal processing of this sort of reaction to pain play and finding ways to turn them into a growth experience if they can't be transmuted into a gratifying one. There are conferences and workshops and books and conversations on line and it support groups that deal with these and other dynamics. A not exhaustive, but typical reading list to begin with might inclued The Topping Book, The New Topping Book, The Bottoming Book, The New Bottoming Book, and The Compleat
Spanker (all available from Amazon and I'm sure the other major Internet book purveyors.)

Another interesting and unique situation that tends to arise with people who follow the DD path is that they almost always deny that they fit into the categories that the BDSM community identifies with the labels of masochist and sadist. Those are words with very specific connotations that are sometimes viewed as disparaging. It can be a bit of a "leap" to embrace personal descriptors that challenge our self-image as it has been molded and shaped within our dominant/normative culture. The trouble that comes from not “making friends” with your inner sadist or your inner masochist is that all of this spanking stuff becomes an artificial construct that is put in place and held in place by routines and protocols and expectations – all of which require attention and energy to maintain and support. That energy has to be invested by both partners and it has to be invested every single day, no matter what else might be happening. It leads to that very plaintive sort of questioning:

If we cannot reach the goal right now…to feel better, to connect, find that us place we get to, and if there is not a punishment to be had…why spank?…if I am not getting anything out of this, and we need to keep going for us, why the heck is it, always and every time, my butt on the line???

The only reasonable answer to those questions is that this IS us. It is who we are. I am a masochist, and He is a sadist, and that remains true -- even when it isn't fun or easy or feeling good. There is no “goal” in doing this except to express ourselves with one another and to one another in the most intimate and vulnerable and honest way we know. There is no “pay back” beyond the moment, beyond what we find in the journeying into the darkness together. We keep going, precisely because we are a matched set – masochist and sadist, and in the balance, we create our life as uniquely our own. Sometimes that is grand and joyfully erotic. Sometimes it is painfully angry and full of sadness. Always, it draws us to one another with wonder and a breathless awe at this truth that we share.

Grief cannot knock us from the peak that we share. Illness does not change who we are to and with one another. The daily slogging through necessary tasks and chores and worries does not dim the power that shimmers between the two of us. We are clear and at ease with what we are. Knowing that embeds us in a vast community of others who live lives informed by the same sort of self-awareness that is ours. We can go on, no matter what, because we understand the currents that carry us along. We don’t question the foundation – it is strong. When we feel, as we sometimes do, that our own energies are not sufficient to keep on, we can find hope and strength in the store of knowledge and experience that belongs to our BDSM family.



I don't personally care what words anyone uses to describe their life or their relationship dynamic. It simply doesn't matter to me. I understand that there are an array of reasons and personal reactions that cause people to use one set of descriptors rather than others. That's just fine. However, it has been my experience that claiming the vocabulary that describes my nature and my life has freed me to simply live as I will without having to insist that it all be something other than what it really is. That simplifies things immensely.



swan