Master took exception to that thinking pattern. In His view, since I was "His," my self-denigrating talk was about HIS property, and therefore not acceptable. He reacted, on several occasions by restraining me bent over the end of our futon sofa, and giving me a severe blistering. He refered to this practice as "rebooting" me. I remember those events today, and my stomach still clenches. I experienced those sessions as traumatically painful and intensely aversive. I also remember that, afterwards, I would come up into a mind space that was gentler, calmer, and significantly more balanced. As difficult as those events were, they were also "good for me" in some very real way.
Of course, rebooting is a bit of computer jargon, and has nothing at all to do with BDSM. To reboot is to restart a computer and reload the operating system. The most common reasons to reboot are because the installation of new software or hardware requires it, or because applications are not responding for some reason. In Master's mind, the intense, punishment-style beatings He inflicted during those sessions "reset" my thinking and brought me back to a more appropriate set of responses.
I woke up this morning at just about 4AM. It is terribly dark at that hour, and awesomely quiet. Lying there blinking in the darkness, I found myself shaking internally, feeling very unsettled and very "small." I wriggled and squirmed, trying to get deeper into His embrace -- desperate for the warmth and security of His arms around me. I was just feeling terribly unsteady and unsure, and there is no real reason that I can identify for that. All I know is that I am feeling touchy and grouchy with the world, lately. I am worrying and obsessing about the outcome of the pending election. I am stressed, as we all are these days, about money. I have no patience for the "stupid" people of the world -- I find myself wanting to argue and fuss when I would normally simply shrug and walk away. I am not particularly sad, but I am not feeling steady either, and that makes me very nervous and jittery.
As I waited out the minutes until it would officially be "morning," I found myself thinking about those "rebootings" of so many years ago. In my head, I could hear the myself talking with myself. One very tiny and frightened voice whispers that I need to be "rebooted -- that it would be good for me." I can feel myself sort of nodding along with that, knowing that (at least in the past) I really did seem to benefit from that sort of treatment in the past. On the other side of the internal battle, is a voice that asks incredulously, "Are you out of your mind?! Rebooting is awful and painful and terribly scary. Just pull yourself together and don't even go there."
Sigh.I am feeling caught. I am wondering what it is that I really need and want. I feel as if I need to talk with Master about this, but I don't actually know what it is that I need to say, and I don't want to annoy Him with my lack of a definitive answer. I feel so lost...
swan
Wow. This image is really powerful. It seems so soft and hard all at once. I sincerely hope your day turns out better than how the morning started out!
ReplyDeleteWishing you peace and strength, and most especially, quiet from all the stupid things that stupid people say!
Radha
Swan, I have been right there. "Rebooting" is a perfect term. I personally think it may be hormones...not sure, but what ever it is, that kind of spanking works. However, I find I often don't want what I need...and asking for that...yikes. I know the dilemma well, and feel for you! Maybe it will all just go away? One can wish! Feel better soon! Sara
ReplyDeleteMmm...I'm with Sara about the term. Its a good one all right and its good to listen to your stories about Tom helping you with your self esteem.
ReplyDeleteLike Radha, I find the image striking. It reminds me of what I do with pillows sometimes. And many people with certain types of mental or emotional dysfunctions, like autism will use physical space to squeeze into like that. I suspect to block out the turmoil around them, to give themselves physical parameters that are very, very small when the world becomes overwhelming.
I think we all feel like that, its just that we don't act on it. I think its a primitive brain thing, but folks with differently wired brains, such as those with autism, don't find socializations important. We do things as children to create barriers, building castles and tents and creating an imaginary world to make things ours and manageable. We just learn not to do that any more as we grow older. I still think its normal to need the world to feel small and safe for awhile though...to want to reboot or squeeze yourself into a smaller space so you can have a controlled environment that's safe.
Within your little heart space of your little family, you are oh so very, very safe. *smiles*
Blessings
I can relate to both this posting and the comments, especially Greenwoman's. Over the years, I've often found myself feeling like this, usually as a result of stress overload. A pattern, which started in childhood, emerges then.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I feel this way, I find the need to establish order at home. I clean, and clear and sort and throw away.....drawers, cupboards, paperwork, the garden.....whatever I need to do until I get to the point where I feel that even if there are things beyond my sphere of influence and control, I've done what I can with what's within it.
Since I've been with M, I've also found that somewhere in all that activity, my mind gets a grip on what it is I need to talk to him about, even if its to ask for 'rebooting'.
Soft and gentle hugs, and much love xxx