When It Isn't "Fun"

Every now and then, something comes up in the daily round of “blogs that I read” that goes beyond the convivial on-going "conversation between friends" level that we all engage in a lot of the time. I don’t mean that in any sort of disparaging sense – I really enjoy our slow and relaxed and friendly chatter back and forth. Sometimes though, someone starts down a path that is way more intense – a place where it becomes NECESSARY to respond more thoughtfully and more deeply than we might otherwise. We do that for each other, and it is a good thing.

That’s exactly how it feels when I read the recent posts from my friend, Sara. If you don’t follow closely there, then perhaps a bit of background will help. Sara, and her husband, Grant, practice Domestic Discipline – and have for about four years. Sara and I have had some really good conversations about the similarities and differences between our respective power dynamics (here, here, and here), and I believe we’ve both grown as a result of that dialog.

Sara’s father died about three months ago, after a long illness, and as anyone can understand, she is deeply immersed in the work of mourning his loss. Too, Sara has a young adult son who struggles with mental illness. As a parent of a child with mental health issues, I can attest to the pain and worry that can arise when our children are in crisis. There is only so far we, as parents, can go to help – beyond that is a place of worry and desperate fear, and yes, anger.

Stop, for just a minute or two, and try and feel your way into the space that my friend is living inside of at this moment… Once you have done that, you are ready to start reading through the conversation we are having…

Sara first broached the subject of her current struggle here. She writes (in part):

"I cannot remember ever feeling really disinterested in spanking. Our ritual spankings twice a week are pretty much the corner stone of our Dd dynamic. Recently, though, it has become a bit of a struggle for me. I just don’t want to be spanked. I have been anyway. My husband has learned through trial and error that consistency is everything, and my Mr. Steady, he keeps going…I have complained a bit, wheedled a bit, pouted a bit, and then been spanked anyway. The spankings are making me cry, and I don’t want to. I am already wrestling with keeping myself together, and when he really spanks, I come unglued… he says I need to let go and cry, and spanks harder… I am angry… and have been pulling away a bit… He is not fixing this…he is as helpless as I am. He is supposed to be the guy in charge. That means he should have the answers, know the way, can protect me and make things right…"

I responded that I’ve “…been there and done that,…” and offered some words of support and affirmation.

Master, wrote at some length, from the perspective of the Dominant part of the exchange:
“Sara, these are difficult phases, especially for you, but for Grant too. They require steadfastness and honesty from both the Top and Bottom from my experience.
You need to be spanked consistently and unrelentingly despite your not “enjoying” it. We’re talking about spankings here…they’re not intended to be inherently enjoyable experiences after all.
Your increased emotionality during your spankings is likely an appropriate expression of your very understandable current phenomenological frame and general emotional state. The drama of routine unavoidable spankings and the threat of even more spanking, if you would behave to warrant that, likely are providing both a degree of diversion, relief, and security from what you are living through. That said too, being spanked is difficult and down right aggravating...
I do think the mythos that surrounds DD makes this more difficult. The Internet guru’s of DD, while they succeed in empowering couples to rationalize away the stigma they’d feel if they admitted they were engaging in SM behavior, also set DD couples up for a more difficult time when they encounter these phases where things just don’t work the way DD philosophers tell everyone things will be...
…we have gone through these phases, at times for protracted periods. swan still got spanked…There were times when her anger grew to such an extent that she literally physically attacked me in blind rage…She knows that I am here for her and that she will be spanked……for joy, for connection, for fun, for intimacy, for security, for eroticism, for discipline, whether she likes it or not………when she feels good as a result and when she doesn’t."

Sara – responded with some more comments, thoughts, and explanations of her own. She also asked for clarification on Master’s DD comments.
And then, she posted the “next installment:” which was largely a window into her internal monologue with Master:

"Here’s the real problem for me. I know that spankings hurt…get that. But what you do with that hurt inside, where it goes, what it triggers is a different thing entirely. Maybe the libido is at a low or maybe it is just being emotionally full with hard stuff, but the pain that often takes me to better places inside me, and ultimately makes us feel more connected, instead taps into anger and fear, and then the pain is just pain, and I have enough inside right now, without the pain of the spanking…thanks very much. I get angry, feel more distant, sad that the experience didn’t help me/us…Getting through a painful spanking just for the sake of it seems pretty harsh…for what? If we cannot reach the goal right now…to feel better, to connect, find that us place we get to, and if there is not a punishment to be had…why spank?…if I am not getting anything out of this, and we need to keep going for us, why the heck is it, always and every time, my butt on the line???"

All of that is so convoluted and so complex and so painfully honest about what it feels like to be in a power-based relationship when the “magic” stops working, and it feels like nothing “good” is coming out of the struggle. Here’s at least some of the discussion and thought process we’ve been engaged in on our side of the conversation:

We both remember, so clearly the very difficult couple of years that followed my hysterectomy. I battled through some severe depression, and wallowed in huge anger at the changes to my sexual responsiveness in the aftermath of that surgery. It seemed, to me, that there was something terribly unfair about having to still engage in the very challenging and painful process of BDSM spanking play when my body was seemingly devoid of any sort of libido that might take me to some sort of “pay back.” I careened from emotion to emotion, always feeling like somehow, He was to blame for the state of affairs in my life. It was, most assuredly, “my butt on the line,” but it was both of us on the line with our hearts and our fears. We survived and have come to a very good place, and neither of us believes that it was simply luck or the passage of time. The truth is that our BDSM dynamic informed the decisions that we made, provided us with models and guides to follow, and helped us to understand and cope with the range of emotional responses that we encoutered along the way.

That is, in very large part, the truth that underpins the comments that Master made regarding DD. Domestic Discipline is a unique and interesting subset of the BDSM universe. For the most part, people who find and ascribe to DD, especially as a singular practice, tend to hold to a world view that their lifestyle is somehow more wholesome than what goes on in BDSM. It is possible, and even pretty commonplace, to find people who practice Domestic Discipline, who will express real discomfort with labels like “masochist” and “sadist.” DD puts itself out as a way to create harmonious relationships, establish order in the household, and create a clear leadership ladder within the family structure. It is sometimes couched in language that makes it seem consistent with mainstream religious beliefs, or perhaps it is garbed in a patina of being just the “natural way” between men and women – a way to reinforce and affirm the masculine and feminine sides of our human selves. It is entirely possible to spend a good long time within a domestic discipline framework, and not come to any sort of confrontation with the underlying personality that is quite likely an intrinsic part of an attraction to the practice of adult consensual spanking.

That may not present any sort of difficulty as long as things go along smoothly and easily. Trouble can ensue however, when the story goes bad. If DD is supposed to make everything more harmonious and more peaceful, then when the peace and harmony is shattered, it is hard to reconcile what is happening. Anger is a natural result. If the DD “Head of Household” is supposed to lead, supposed to manage, supposed to decide, then that person ought to darn well make sure that life is good, happy, peaceful, and fulfilled. It makes for a very good story, but it doesn’t work that way in real life. No person, no matter how naturally inclined to run the show, can keep all strife at bay. Death and disease and trauma and adversity are part and parcel of the human condition.


Sara points to the dilemma that is presented in this: "I know that spankings hurt…get that. But what you do with that hurt inside, where it goes, what it triggers is a different thing entirely." In the world of BDSM, there is a familiarity with this response. We BDSM'ers are aware that spanking taps into places in the human psyche that may be angry, hurt, mistrustful, damaged, scared, or simply very primitive in some way. We spend time talking about that potential, and we discuss the process of managing those emotional and psychological "land mines" so that we are prepared, in some fashion, for the actual eventuality of bringing up huge emotional responses. Within the lifestyle, it isn't viewed as unusual, or particularly bad for this to occur. It simply is. We know about it, and we deal with it -- just as we might deal with a blood sugar drop, or a vascular event, or any other unexpected "emergency" in a scene. Within BDSM practice as well there is study and technical work on the "how to's" of internal processing of this sort of reaction to pain play and finding ways to turn them into a growth experience if they can't be transmuted into a gratifying one. There are conferences and workshops and books and conversations on line and it support groups that deal with these and other dynamics. A not exhaustive, but typical reading list to begin with might inclued The Topping Book, The New Topping Book, The Bottoming Book, The New Bottoming Book, and The Compleat
Spanker (all available from Amazon and I'm sure the other major Internet book purveyors.)

Another interesting and unique situation that tends to arise with people who follow the DD path is that they almost always deny that they fit into the categories that the BDSM community identifies with the labels of masochist and sadist. Those are words with very specific connotations that are sometimes viewed as disparaging. It can be a bit of a "leap" to embrace personal descriptors that challenge our self-image as it has been molded and shaped within our dominant/normative culture. The trouble that comes from not “making friends” with your inner sadist or your inner masochist is that all of this spanking stuff becomes an artificial construct that is put in place and held in place by routines and protocols and expectations – all of which require attention and energy to maintain and support. That energy has to be invested by both partners and it has to be invested every single day, no matter what else might be happening. It leads to that very plaintive sort of questioning:

If we cannot reach the goal right now…to feel better, to connect, find that us place we get to, and if there is not a punishment to be had…why spank?…if I am not getting anything out of this, and we need to keep going for us, why the heck is it, always and every time, my butt on the line???

The only reasonable answer to those questions is that this IS us. It is who we are. I am a masochist, and He is a sadist, and that remains true -- even when it isn't fun or easy or feeling good. There is no “goal” in doing this except to express ourselves with one another and to one another in the most intimate and vulnerable and honest way we know. There is no “pay back” beyond the moment, beyond what we find in the journeying into the darkness together. We keep going, precisely because we are a matched set – masochist and sadist, and in the balance, we create our life as uniquely our own. Sometimes that is grand and joyfully erotic. Sometimes it is painfully angry and full of sadness. Always, it draws us to one another with wonder and a breathless awe at this truth that we share.

Grief cannot knock us from the peak that we share. Illness does not change who we are to and with one another. The daily slogging through necessary tasks and chores and worries does not dim the power that shimmers between the two of us. We are clear and at ease with what we are. Knowing that embeds us in a vast community of others who live lives informed by the same sort of self-awareness that is ours. We can go on, no matter what, because we understand the currents that carry us along. We don’t question the foundation – it is strong. When we feel, as we sometimes do, that our own energies are not sufficient to keep on, we can find hope and strength in the store of knowledge and experience that belongs to our BDSM family.



I don't personally care what words anyone uses to describe their life or their relationship dynamic. It simply doesn't matter to me. I understand that there are an array of reasons and personal reactions that cause people to use one set of descriptors rather than others. That's just fine. However, it has been my experience that claiming the vocabulary that describes my nature and my life has freed me to simply live as I will without having to insist that it all be something other than what it really is. That simplifies things immensely.



swan