Staying Put

Getting back into some higher end, and more regular, SM play presents the (for me) recurrent challenge of "being good" in that context. I WANT to be "good" -- I intend to be "good."

For me, "being good" in a session has some pretty simple parameters. I am required to be respectful; required to address Him as "Sir;" required to stay in position; and of course, required to not do anything to interfere with whatever He is doing. We have a few "protocols" or "rituals" that are related to how spankings get finished, but beyond that, it is all pretty straight forward.

Most often, we play in the bed. That is easier on His joints, and it resolves the issues that I have with balance (which can make me very insecure in some classic spanking positions). He very seldom uses restraints, and never does "bondage." Our most used bit of "spanking equipment," aside from the actual implements themselves, is a very simple backrest/TV pillow like this one. We flip it over on its "face,' and that provides a nifty sort of hill that I can get in position on top of. It gives me support, and causes that nice "elevated" effect that He likes.

I tend to lay on top of a "down" throw blanket, and to wrap it (in a sort of figure eight) around my wrists. I get a death grip on the chain mail links in my collar, and try to hold on. It really is a battle that I fight all on my own:

Stay Put!

The fact is that I can kick my feet; I can bang my head on the mattress; I can wave my arms; I can twist and turn my spine every which way -- it is all fair game as long as my ass stays right there on that pillow. I think He likes all that flailing.

I work myself into a sweat trying to do that sometimes. There comes a point in nearly every session when the thoughts in my mind are something along the lines of, "Fuck this, I'm going to kill this son of a bitch with that goddamn paddle!" Thank goodness there is no speaker that broadcasts the voices in my head out into the room!

That is the dangerous edge that I walk, however. That flash of fury and anger can launch me off my pillow perch and into a full on storming, stomping exit -- which is never, ever well-received. That sort of behavior breaks ALL the rules.

So, I have to stay conscious and alert and on guard. I have to prepare, going into a session, for the likely moment of "maddness" that I know I'll encounter -- and I have to stop the progression from willing, to angry, to defiant before it rips me out of the place where I want to be. I need to work and plan to "stay put."

I'd imagine that it would be an interesting internal dialog to tap into in that moment. All I know is that I am left relieved, amazed, and emotionally drained on the other side of it -- to come up at the end of the session and know that I stayed. That's really it, all of it, showing up and staying put. I don't have to do anything else in the final analysis. Which is good, because there are plenty of times when that is all I can manage. It is particularly scary when a session starts off feeling "difficult" That sets me up knowing that I'll have to battle nearly the whole way, and that the climb will be way more steep.

I'm afraid I'm just that plain and prosaic about what it is I do. No great soaring goals or achievements to share. I stay put. And I am damned proud of that, too.

swan