At The Heart of Everything

I wear the BDSM emblem. So does He. So does T. I realize that, within the community, there is not complete agreement about the symbol and the propriety of using it to represent our community. It isn't my intent to address or attempt to reconcile that. For me, the symbol suffices.

I've heard many interpretations of the meaning of the triskelion motif. If you poll any group of lifestylers who use the symbol, you'll get a range of ideas:

It stands for the largest divisions in the practice of BDSM -- bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism.

It stands for the sexual/gender variations within our community: homosexual/heterosexual/transgendered and (or) bisexual.

It stands for the underlying principals upon which BDSM relationships are founded: "duty, honor, obedience," or "respect, honor, obedience."

I, personally, ascribe the latter set of meanings to the pendant that I wear. When obviously vanilla people ask me about it, this is exactly what I tell them: "It reminds me that I have dedicated my life to the principals of respect, honor, and obedience."

Given that, I try to take the events and cycles of my life and use them to teach me about living that ideal. I believe that there are lessons in just about everything that comes our way, and that, on the days when things aren't exactly as I might once have dreamed them, there is still good to be garnered, and something to learn and grow from.

That has been a place where I've been diving deep in the last couple of weeks. Our relationship was placed in an enormous spotlight this summer, and the things that I took away from that have been difficult to wrestle down and find words for. I've known that it was important for me to be quiet about it until I could make some sort of sense out of it, and do it without the tinge of emotion that has accompanied the whole experience.

Some things have been painted in very clear contrast to "other" relationships which I've come to know. One of those things is that Respect is absolutely foundational to our relationship. We don't always agree. I know that may come as a surprise to some, but it is the reality. We are all mature, educated, strong-willed adults, and we have a range of ideas and opinions on a whole variety of issues. We come from different backgrounds and different perspectives, and sometimes that variance shows up. Whatever our differences of approach or opinion however, we absolutely value the person at the other end of the exchange. Agreement or disagreement doesn't become the criteria for addressing and treating each other with kindness, gentleness, and respect. There are real skills to managing an adult relationship without stepping outside the boundaries of respectfulness. We work hard at managing our language, our tone of voice, our body language, our choice of words. All of those basic communication tools reflect what is woven throughout the fabric of our lives and our values: each one of us, regardless of role or status in terms of the lifestyle is a human person of value and worth. Without that basic understanding and belief, none of the rest of this works for very long.

Or, perhaps, the first part of the triad set of commitments is "duty" rather than "respect." Duty is surely an ongoing, operational assumption in our day to day life. It isn't a glamorous word -- not at all sexy, but it is, in fact, a very real part of our commitment to one another. T and I understand the duty that we undertake to serve; to make sure that there are clean clothes, and wholesome meals, and a pleasant and rejuvenating environment for us all to live inside of. We all know that we have the absolute duty to be THERE for each other in whatever circumstance life throws our way. Hence, I had a "cheering section" for that colonoscopy business on Friday, and T and I played backup and support when we got word yesterday that His father was headed to the hospital after a fall at his home. We listen to each other and look for ways to be present and good for each other. This "triad" is built on the sure knowledge that the other parts of the family have your back no matter what is happening.

The notion of "Honor" is another facet of this. It is a word that isn't used a whole lot in our modern society. It feels almost old-fashioned. In our dynamic, it is simply the given that He is honored as the Head of our family, the Dominant, the Master. All of those terms acknowledge the role He plays and the position He holds within our lives. But it goes deeper than the role He plays. It is an honor to be part of His life, to be alive in the glow of His love, to be included in supporting who He is in the world. I know I've brought down criticism before when I have spoken of this relationship in terms that border on religious or spiritual. I understand that there are some who find it difficult to comprehend the tone that makes it seem that He is like a God in my life. I try to be sensitive to that, and not be over the top with it, but the fact is that I belong to this Man, and I am so honored that He found me, brought me to Him, and keeps me in His world.

Lastly, in the triskelion symbolism, is the notion of Obedience. For us, this is glue. It keeps everything running no matter what else is going on. I obey. T obeys. We don't have big elaborate protocols or rituals or long lists of rules. We do what He wants, and take care of what He needs, and we work really hard to live up to His expectations. We want His happiness, and when that is "there," then there is happiness here in our small kingdom. Ours is a household that runs on obedience willingly given. There is very seldom any need for discipline, punishment, or correction. We work to make sure that we are doing what He wants done. It isn't all that complicated: smart and capable adults who have agreed that it is His world, and so it is and shall be.

We tend to do all that, woven around all the stuff of our lives and our work and our families, and never give it a second thought. It becomes so routine and so much the norm, that it is really almost invisible. At least is seems invisible until we see others who do not structure their lives in that fashion. Then, oh then, the contrast is so stark that it is almost painful. It is uncomfortable and unpleasant. It is disturbing.

I've always maintained that this way of life isn't for everyone. I don't recommend it and I don't encourage people to seek it or to try and create it for themselves. After this summer, I am even more convinced that, unless you are quite special, particularly mature, committed and determined, self-aware and self-disciplined, and more than just a little lucky -- you don't stand a chance. We are special. In ways that I think I never really fully appreciated. What a marvelous, fabulous gift we've been given!

swan