My pesky swan set up her last post (which will counter-intuitively appear on the Blog as the post following this one) to not be able to be commented on. This will not keep me from responding though (I too have the capacity to post here:)
Dear, yes, we are changing......both of us. And as I push on to 60 years old it seems that there are more "changes" all the time. As we age there will be more and more of them.
Each change is an ending. It is also a beginning. You and I are together for the remainder of our days with T. That is unending. We are not spending the remainder of our lives mourning what was. We are going to live and enjoy our future by living in the present.
As for the question of what you are to be called, let me clear this up for you. You are swan, my slave, the one who had my initials carved into her back, and who is mine always and all ways, and whom I love. That has not changed. It will not change. It is unchanging!!
As for SM, if you think your inability to enjoy spankings is about to exempt you from them.........all I can say is NICE TRY! Dear I am a sadist. While it pleases me occasionally to be sensitive to whether or not you are gratified by a spanking or whatever, I often absolutely love it if you find your sessions quite difficult. I absolutely do not session you as we once did, out of concern for health and safety, but we are in no way ending this aspect of our expression of intimate connection, excitement, power exchange, and our love.
I realize you are wrapping your self around the concept of your aging, but you are still mine, and you will continue to live as I see fit.
If any of you wanted to respond to swan's post "Things Are Changing-Have Changed" but were prevented from commenting by her block, feel free to do so here. I will assure you she will read and respond to each of them.
swan I love you, and cherish you, and own you, and will for as long as I am able. There are no changes that will effect that in the slightest.
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
thank you, Tom, for giving us a place to wrap our arms around, too!
ReplyDeletemy dear swan, you are hurting. you are depressed. you are stuck between who you really are now, and the stories you're telling yourself about who you should be based on who you used to be. that sucks, no doubt about it.
i hope you find a way to see the excellent possibilities and passions of where you really are, of how dearly you are loved and accepted. i hope you can embrace a whole new level of understanding of what it is to be a "slave" - one that fills you with purpose and joy!
i have rarely read here, but came over now precisely because of the discussion of change. so you must forgive me for a comment that doesn't deal with your own specifics since i'm not that familiar with them except for what i've read on the current page.
ReplyDeletebut the issue is a real one and a common one, especially at our age (i'm 59). we change. our bodies change. our minds change. our health changes and our hormones sure as hell change. if you're anything like me, your hormones could be sending you on a nauseating roller coaster ride which can wear out you and everyone around you.
try to trust the people who love you, who say that they love you, and trust the ability of their love to adjust to the realities of each new day. remember what is so rich and special about bdsm as the basis of a relationship. remember how rooted it is in trust. take strength from their trust that you are still who you always were, and take their hands and go forward as you grow and change together.
and then tell me to stuff it if this sounds like too much to swallow.
First, thank You, Sir, for insisting that I read and hear your response to all of this. You were quite definite, when I came back to the house yesterday afternoon, that I would READ your words here. Then, with paddle in hand, You made sure that we walked together through that familiar litany that establishes what I am and to whom I belong. Punctuating each of my answers to Your queries with paddle smacks, You made certain that I understood where You stood.
ReplyDeleteI do know I am loved, and I do absolutely love You and T. I am, most definitely, disappointed in my failure to "get back" to what I remember of my ability to be Your partner in SM play. I know that has changed, and while I hoped that it would return as I have healed, I am certain now that it isn't happening. To hear You confirm that is difficult, but not really something I didn't already know.
It was You who suggested that I put the content of that conversation here on the blog. It is a valid piece of information for us to share with those who read here, and it was important for me to do that as honestly as I could. I have always hated those who write blogs that are filled with fantasy and make-believe. As hard as it is to admit the shortfalls in my capacity, it was, for me, about integrity to simply say what was true. I did block comments for that post. I did not, and do not want a "pity party" over all of this, and I am ever mindful of our old friend, Jack's accusation that this blog is really only a vehicle for me to surround myself with sycophants whose words serve only to build up my ego.
Thank, You, always, for Your love and Your care. I am so glad that You found me, and brought me into Your world. I am so honored to still be Yours.
swan
traveler-- thank you for stopping in and offering your words of support. I am not depressed. I am deep in the transitions from where I was to where I am, and mostly, I am doing that pretty well. There are, surely, "days" when I would give anything to have it all back. I am realist enough to know that is a silly longing, but it does come flashing in from time to time. One bad day, or one bad scene does not translate to a crisis or a mental meltdown. It is just me, fussing my way along. Sometimes, when the storms are raging, I simply need reassurance and a re-setting of the boundaries and direction of things. It would be better if I could diagnose that and simply ask for what I need. Perhaps, with time, I'll learn that trick.
ReplyDeleteswan
oatmeal girl -- Welcome to our little place. I am glad you have joined the conversation. There is no need to apologize for not being "up on" all the history and background. Good grief -- if we expected everyone to read all the gazillion words that have poured out here in the years that this blog has been in place, no one would ever catch up enough to say, "Hi!"
ReplyDeleteThe short version of my story is that I am aging and I am not happy about it. I had a "necessary" hysterectomy (and surgically induced menopause) at the end of 2005, and I've suffered a significant loss in terms of my sexual functioning and responsiveness in the aftermath. Not happy about that either. I shouldn't be experiencing any "hormonal roller coastering," but I'd swear that I still have periods when that is how it feels.
Sometimes, as I wander my way along to some kind of equilibrium with what IS, I tip over and drop back into grief and anger. It always exhausts me and baffles Him. We keep on weathering the storms, but it does constitute an "event" in our dynamic and our lives. So... that's what you've tumbled into.
You are right, that it is about "trust." I've not talked much about trust in the last couple of years. Perhaps that is a conversation to delve into again.
Feel free to join in anytime.
swan
Swan/Sue
ReplyDeleteI know what I wish to call you, it is mentor and friend. You are an inspiring woman in so many ways and none of these are to do with SM. They are to do with you being a wonderful, caring and loving human being. I am so priviledged to have been able to meet you for real and to have had the benefit of your wise counsel, it has changed me for the good and allowed me to be brave and to step out to follow my dreams.
Thank you.
Hil
P.S. Tom you are also not so damn bad yourself, wise man!
P.P.S. T take care of her, you two are such a powerful sisterhood.
As a cancer patient who has encountered many recent body changes - and who will undergo more drastic changes to my body very soon - I will share a small piece of advice that was helpful to me.
ReplyDeleteTry to find and focus on the "New Normal." Things will never be the same for either one of us again. We have to find a way to mourn the loss, let it go, and find a new normal. It is hard.
Hil--
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you found meeting our family helpful as you explore your own path. I hope you continue to find good friends and mentors as you learn and grow.
swan
jojo--
ReplyDeleteI think some people handle change better. I seem to be very attached to my "old normal," but will try to put your good advice into practice. Thank you for sharing.
swan
swan,
ReplyDelete"I realize you are wrapping your self around the concept of your aging, but you are still mine, and you will continue to live as I see fit."
Print that out, tape it everywhere you spend time...keep a copy in your pocket, a copy on the fridge. On the dashboard in your car.
Reading that thrilled me, gave me goosebumps. Tom summed it up QUITE nicely!!!
Be still and listen. You are a wonderful woman in service to a wonderful man with a wonderful *sister* (I hope that's appropriate) in T.
Oh your future is beautiful and full and there are still adventures in love to be had with your family! Onward and upward!
melissa,
A reader in CO
Swan, I do realize I am a bit late to the party and do not have anything really profound to say, just that I feel for you. I don't like change much unless I am in charge of it, of course! My outside world is changing (kids growing up) just while my inside world is too (aging, etc), and darn I do feel out of control and insecure with it all at times! I am sure feeling those boundaries was helpful, at least it is for me. Really nice that Tom understood and knew what was needed.
ReplyDeleteMy best, Sara
melissa -- thanks for stopping in and offering your good words here. I do appreciate it and I hope you'll stop by again.
ReplyDeleteswan
sara -- always good to have your voice here. I hope that as I keep working through my set of changes, you'll find yourself easier with all that is changing in your world.
ReplyDeleteswan